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  #11  
Old 06-02-2013, 01:14 AM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Ry-they are talking about alone time which I am encouraging. Their hesitation is with trying to respect me and what I want. Even though I've told them I WANT them to have alone time. I think once they finally do have a date and I don't freak out they'll feel better. Idk. Im rolling with it right now and not forcing a convo. Hard for me-but it seems like the only way.
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  #12  
Old 06-02-2013, 01:36 AM
Becca Becca is offline
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Just speaking from my own experience as a unicorn-- it is actually totally valid to want someone to come home to, a partner, a partnership that is supported in public and semi-public spaces, something that community acknowledges as a family. It sounds like she's feeling a longing for that.

She may very well want to hold onto that as a long term goal. And at the same time, she may be really into you and your partner. Maybe what she wants is something temporary, which can be a good and valuable thing. Is that something you're open to?
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  #13  
Old 06-02-2013, 04:01 AM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Becca-it is SUCH a valid feeling. And I am absolutely ok with it being temporary and valuable in its own right. I'd love to take the advice of the others and go with the flow-but ultimately it's MD who gets hot and cold. She pulls away and stops the flow. Sigh.
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MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #14  
Old 06-02-2013, 02:38 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
Becca-it is SUCH a valid feeling. And I am absolutely ok with it being temporary and valuable in its own right. I'd love to take the advice of the others and go with the flow-but ultimately it's MD who gets hot and cold. She pulls away and stops the flow. Sigh.
Relationships EBB and flow. You are getting frustrated that there's ebb and no flow. You keep putting it all on her and her actions. Seriously, find me a place where you DON'T put it on her actions? The only thing you can change is how you behave and how you react. If all you do is say "Hey I don't like how this is going." Then not get what you want, then blame others for it not going the way you want then let's look at the common denominator here. YOU. What can you change about how YOU handle things? How YOU deal with them.

I recommend the book "Why Talking is not Enough." It's about how you handle things, about how you change how you think and feel and act in order to make a relationship flourish. How people relax, and act in kind based on how the other person is behaving and treating them. If after trying those things, the relationship doesn't get better, the other person still isn't seeming to give you more hope in the relationship then you may come to the conclusion that the relationship is not for you. However, it's about how YOU behave. How what you put out there, how you react and act towards others influences how they react and act towards you. It's taking some action instead of just complaining that others aren't doing what you want or like and how frustrating it is.

NO one is going to do things the way you want in a relationship all the time. EBB and Flow, not just flow. You are happy with flow, you don't like the ebb, sorry, that's like saying that because YOU don't want things to slow down she doesn't have the right to slow them down.
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  #15  
Old 06-02-2013, 05:39 PM
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Well-I am specifically asking whether I'm being unreasonable or not in how I am reacting to her actions. So I am being detailed about her actions to try and give the whole picture. You obviously think that I am being unreasonable-and thats fair. And I appreciate your point of view. I absolutely take responsibility for my part in the comminication problems. I definitely tend to over communicate and MD tends to shut off communication when it's hard. In fact-my need for communication makes her want to shut down which i fully recognize as something i need to handle differently. We are still figuring out how to relate to each other. And as Ry said-add in job stress, 6 kids, trouble with her mother, scheduling....really this list could go on and on-there are other reasons she has pulled away-and by that I mean stop talking completely. And then she'll gradually start talking again and start back up. She can slow things down-i have no problem with that-its just that its not just slowing it. Its been a pattern of stopping and then going right back to how it was before. That makes me feel like i am being jerked back and forth.

I am working on several things. Making sure I give her the space she needs to be comfortable talking or not. Actively listening when she does tell me what she needs and respecting that need. Not reading into the things she does or doesn't say. Enjoying the moments as they come.

Thank you for the book recommendation. Sounds like something I could really benefit from reading.
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FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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