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  #1721  
Old 05-31-2013, 04:17 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I feel nothing. No love for anyone, nor much care either. I'm completely on my own as far as I can tell. I wonder if anyone notices from the outside. I feel as if I am paying lip service to my relationships with everyone.
Please go see a doctor about depression. This has been plaguing you for so long, it doesn't sound like exercise and sunshine will be enough to get you through it. I'm no expert, please talk to someone who is.
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  #1722  
Old 05-31-2013, 06:21 PM
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Please go see a doctor about depression. This has been plaguing you for so long, it doesn't sound like exercise and sunshine will be enough to get you through it. I'm no expert, please talk to someone who is.
Maybe you are right. I am no expert either although I do know that when no one is around and I am grounded, done my self talk and have found a way to smile, I'm okay. For longer times.

I am going through it. Its hard. I will go to the doctor if it gets worse, but its not yet. I would like to feel it all. Every moment. I am hoping that I will learn the most that way. If its getting better all the time then its not the time I figure.

My concern is that getting better means leaving what I know and starting again. Bailing on everyone and everything. Its my instinct I am fighting. Holding on and living through the motions when they come up, writing about it here at the worst points and carrying on is all I want right now.

Maybe more positive posts. Lol.
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  #1723  
Old 05-31-2013, 06:57 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Redpepper, "not feeling" is part of the identifying features of clinical depression.

For anyone who knows someone with depression or who might think they are depressed, this comic/blog was extremely enlightening.
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  #1724  
Old 05-31-2013, 07:29 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I'm learning to be seperate and in my body. Its coming. I had sex and did it only for me. No connection to my partner. It was strange. Empowering and sad at the same time. Practice I guess will help.
RP, you've said elsewhere that sex without connection deeply hurts you. It's one of the reasons you don't have casual sex anymore.

Why are you learning to do something that is so harmful to you?

We change and learn and grow but, for you, this seems so extreme and very unlike you.

You are going through major shifts in self and relationships. You will jettison things that were once dear. But this seems like self harm.

I don't want to contain you - we are all more than what we write here. And I will accept and enjoy whoever the new RP is at the end of this particular hard time. But go read some of the things you've written about the kind of sex and connection you want and need to be healthy. You will see why I am so startled that the quote above was written by you.

In combination with the writing about feeling nothing, I, like lots of other people, am really worried about you. Please go see a professional.
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  #1725  
Old 05-31-2013, 07:43 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I had the same reaction as others, that this sounds exactly like depression to me. My Mom has been hospitalized for depression more than once, and two of my three current partners are also sufferers (as weird as it is to say on a topic like this, I guess I... have a type?). My point being that the signs become very familiar and you are showing them clearly... loss of interest in the things you once cared about, loss of a normal range of feelings, loss of a sense of connection to yourself and the world.

Sure, you could wait until it gets worse to get help... but, by the time it's worse, will you care enough about yourself to bother? I would strongly recommend seeing someone sooner rather than later.
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  #1726  
Old 05-31-2013, 07:50 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I don't get how to do poly wih this state of mind. It seems pointless and almost laughable. Maybe I will get it eventually. I feel nothing. No love for anyone, nor much care either. I'm completely on my own as far as I can tell. I wonder if anyone notices from the outside. I feel as if I am paying lip service to my relationships with everyone. Part of rebuilding maybe?
Maybe. You sound like I felt for years after my mother died (2001). I am just recently, coincidentally perhaps with resuming my old relationship, joining roller derby, & losing the weight I gained, starting to feel like my old self again.

I'm not sure exactly what happened to you to cause this, nor do I have any ideas for you on how to get through it. When I went through my phase, the one thing that helped most was my spouse. Well, two things - my Spouse and my cats. They make a mess; I clean it up. We tried it the other way around - I make the mess and they clean it up - but that didn't work as well, so we went with what works best.

ETA: agreed about the depression. they might just offer you drugs, but you don't HAVE to take them. sometimes they help though. and you don't have to take them forever if you decide to. i know you know this already, but maybe you need to be told it too.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 05-31-2013 at 07:54 PM.
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  #1727  
Old 05-31-2013, 08:59 PM
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It comes down to this; I don't want to be poly any more. I want to be free of it. I'm stuck with it for now. I don't want to share Mono. I'm stuck with that. I don't want to do most of the things going on in my life right now and I have to. No amount of medication is going to change that. Time and figuring it out will. I have been through this before. Its not uncommon for me in my life. I reach a place where it all hits the fan and I have to decide to start again or make do.

NYCindie: you were right, in part. I fucked up. If Mono were ever available for a monogamous relationship or even one with just PN and I would take it. He isn't though. He never has been. He likely never will be.

My losing Leo and dating Brad set us on a course that I didn't know would end up with his need to try out poly. If I had known I likely would of done something to try and stop the course. Everyone knows that is not possible so here I am anyway.

It was all coming to this point where I would find myself facing everyone I love starting new relationships. I cannot handle it without removing myself emotionally. Its a defence I know really well and its useful to me. Its not perminent or forever but its my coping mechanism until I do what I need to do (after I figure it out). I know it hurts people and I know it seems ridiculous and maybe even childish but I am working on it and I come here to dump the residue of that work.

The way I see it is I have lost an important love of my life. He was never going to be monogamous with me ever. Its not his nature. I want that with him or at least that chance but I am pretty sure what the out come will be. More cheating and more upheavel. For some reason I thought it was different or maybe things changed for me along the line. Its caused me to reaccess the future I had in mind for us eventually that will never be. That will take time. I need time. Its caused me to look at everything in my life and to change my long term plans in major ways. I'm creating new goals. That is not a joyous task for someone who is deeply hurt and mourning what she thinks she had with someone. A future she thought she had.

People can say until whenever that I should get over it and just deal but I love more deeply than most I think and its not possible yet. All I have is what I know and that is to gain perspective by distancing myself emotionally from everyone and everything. I know poly theory like the back of my hand but it doesn't mean I don't feel. Application is far different. I'm not good at this. I fully admit, but damn it, I will be better than fine.
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  #1728  
Old 06-01-2013, 08:20 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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  #1729  
Old 06-01-2013, 11:00 PM
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Good thing you think so because I'm rubbing people the wrong way.

Had a rage house clean last night. PN is walking around oooooing and ahhhhhing over the pretty house. Mono just sat and watched and didn't say a word. I raged at him for a bit but he was having nothing of it. Smart man. This morning I was minis the rage and feeling better. Sex helped. Rage sex.

I had a message from my ex wife today that indicated she is going through similar life changes where she needs to make some major decisions and exhausting herself trying to figure it out rather than deciding and doing. I could relate.

Really though? I am staying right here, biting my lip, waiting and planning to make myself busy. It occurred to me that I can replace relationships with other stuff like art, dance, horses, swimming.... a mono boyfriend, a good vibrator and all that would make a full life.
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Last edited by redpepper; 06-01-2013 at 11:07 PM.
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  #1730  
Old 06-02-2013, 05:21 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Please go see a doctor about depression. This has been plaguing you for so long, it doesn't sound like exercise and sunshine will be enough to get you through it. I'm no expert, please talk to someone who is.
I was about to say pretty much the same thing.

Something is wrong, and you do not seem yourself.

and you most certainly are loved, in so many ways. Even by many of us here, I suspect. Certainly not nice, not knowing how to help you out. But a doc may be able to.
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