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  #21  
Old 05-20-2013, 10:08 PM
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LadyC LadyC is offline
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Default get to the root of his needs with you, and his needs seperately with her.

[QUOTE=ATX;194718]There is such a thing as an affair of the heart.[QUOTE]

This is one of the ideas I find myself struggling with on a daily basis.

A lot of my past relationships failed because I failed to recognize that even if it was with platonic friends your lovers can become jealous of where your energies are being dispensed if their needs aren't being met at all.

I think I also understand a bit of his resistance to dropping this girl when she was welcomed in in the first place..

It's a tough spot to be in, trying to go backwards.
It's important to get back to the basics of you two, what brought you together and made you special without her in the first place.

He may be feeling pressure from you and simply acting against it in a moment of defiance, forgetting the needs of your family...

I think a talk about what he wants from your relationship going forward is crucial. Figure out from his needs why he feels it is okay to keep going forward with her, when you two are clearly falling behind as a couple. Some insight might help clarify why he feels your needs aren't as important...


Sorry this is happening
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  #22  
Old 05-21-2013, 08:05 AM
Oly1 Oly1 is offline
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I'm sorry afar. In my previous post I somehow missed the part where you posted an update about all the deceit and cheating that was going on.

That sounds horrible, I'm sending you hugs.

I know it must be terribly hard to rebuild trust in this situation, but if it is what you want to do for yourself and for your family, I hope you can.

I found this video (3 parts- third one is the best) very helpful in dealing with poly confusion, it is actually about cheating, so very relevant for your situation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVIVjOi5SCs

If you don't watch, I'll just quote this one idea you might find comfort in: in the current prolonged life expectancy, it is probable we'll all have more than 1 meaningful, very-long-term relationship in our lifetime. Some of us would have these relationships with the same person. You could view your current situation as the beginning of a new relationship, "your second marriage" (she says it better in the video).

And it is Ok in my opinion to take some time off/away (physically) from your husband in order to regroup. Take care of yourself. Wishing you luck.
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  #23  
Old 05-31-2013, 05:30 PM
afar afar is offline
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I want to thank you all for your responses. I am hopeful for the future whether he and I stay together or not. We're still in couseling, and he has expressed a heartfelt sorrow for his actions and for losing sight of what his family needed while he was away. I want to work it out. He's cut her out of his life in order to focus on us. I want to make it work too, but I don't think poly is something that I will brave again. I didn't have another partner at any point, and I wish I had been able to experience some of the positives that can come from such a relationship dynamic, but I fear my husband lacks the self control necessary to keep priorities in life in perspective while in NRE. Right now I am trying to get over all the hateful words that still linger, and the negative emotions that have been imprinted on my home. Any advice to get past that?
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  #24  
Old 05-31-2013, 06:51 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Originally Posted by afar View Post
I want to thank you all for your responses. I am hopeful for the future whether he and I stay together or not. We're still in couseling, and he has expressed a heartfelt sorrow for his actions and for losing sight of what his family needed while he was away. I want to work it out. He's cut her out of his life in order to focus on us. I want to make it work too, but I don't think poly is something that I will brave again. I didn't have another partner at any point, and I wish I had been able to experience some of the positives that can come from such a relationship dynamic, but I fear my husband lacks the self control necessary to keep priorities in life in perspective while in NRE. Right now I am trying to get over all the hateful words that still linger, and the negative emotions that have been imprinted on my home. Any advice to get past that?
These are the parts of monogamy I find most dysfunctional.

You have fear and you're pinning it on poly which I find to be misplaced. You had this fear to begin with (abandonment issues) and poly brought it to the surface. Going back to monogamy - will it solve the problem? I went through this too, this surfacing of unresolved personal issues and honestly I'm glad for our relationship change and the bumpy ride it took to get to where we are today. Without it, I might still have those unresolved issues weighing on me so heavily. But absolutely people you or he see need to be of better character than who he was seeing.
You fear your husband's behavior and choices. Again, poly didn't make this true and monogamy won't necessarily bring a real solution. A dog that bites is still a dog that bites even if its tied up in the back yard. He was out of the bounds of monogamy and ran amok. Back inside the bounds of monogamy, the belief that he is once again a "safe dog" is something you might only be able to pretend is true.
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  #25  
Old 05-31-2013, 07:08 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by afar View Post
Right now I am trying to get over all the hateful words that still linger, and the negative emotions that have been imprinted on my home. Any advice to get past that?
Well, I would say that if there are any things you still need to express to him, do it now - don't let it fester. You can say, "there are just some issues I need to get off my chest because they're still bothering me, and I just need you to listen." And then say what you need to say, but keep it focused on how you feel, rather than what he did "wrong."

Then, the most important thing to do is forgive - both him and yourself. To forgive is to wipe the slate clean as if it never happened. No, it's not about pretending it didn't happen -- there are still lessons to be learned -- but forgiveness means you don't hold on to resentments or a need to punish. If you are going to move on in the present, then you have to resist the urge to hold the past over his head. And that makes it easier to see the lessons you learned.

If you ever catch yourself feeling angry or resentful, the trick is to acknowledge that you are indulging or immersing yourself in past hurts, but then -- and this might sound flippant, but I don't mean it that way -- you just don't go there. Tell yourself "no." Occupy yourself with something that takes your mind off the past and get yourself present in your body, appreciating what's in front of you in the here and now. It can be as simple as stopping to listen to a bird singing outside your window.

Finally, this is gonna sound a little New Age Woo-woo, but if you feel like some bad juju is still in your home, you can always do a smudge ritual (where herbs are burned and you actively dispel stale or bad energy from a space). If you do a smudge with epsom salts it really makes a difference (Google it). You can use that opportunity to get out a little anger by using your voice and yelling "Go away, negative energy! I take my home back!"
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-31-2013 at 07:10 PM.
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  #26  
Old 06-26-2013, 11:49 PM
afar afar is offline
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I don't place the blame at the feet of poly at all. I don't think there's anything unnatural about it at all as a matter of fact. I simply don't trust my husband to be able to make decisions that are best for our family while he's in NRE. There were so many times that I asked him to slow down so he and I could make this change in our marriage together, and he simply either couldn't or didn't. My needs ceased to be a concern for him, and worse, he was exposing our young child to things we both agreed we wouldn't expose him to in order to avoid confusion on his part. Almost everthing in his life began to revolve around this woman, and I am just not willing to place trust in him again to do the right thing for our family while hes in NRE.
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  #27  
Old 06-27-2013, 09:14 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by afar View Post
I don't place the blame at the feet of poly at all. I don't think there's anything unnatural about it at all as a matter of fact. I simply don't trust my husband to be able to make decisions that are best for our family while he's in NRE. There were so many times that I asked him to slow down so he and I could make this change in our marriage together, and he simply either couldn't or didn't. My needs ceased to be a concern for him, and worse, he was exposing our young child to things we both agreed we wouldn't expose him to in order to avoid confusion on his part. Almost everthing in his life began to revolve around this woman, and I am just not willing to place trust in him again to do the right thing for our family while hes in NRE.
new to your thread, but i just read threw. first, i am extremely sorry for what you are going through, second I wanted to share my story with you even though it may not be encoruaging. you say you cant trust him to be poly, but you have to decide if you can trust him at all....a few years ago, i had cheated on my spouse and come clean, i cut off ties with this man (which was very difficult and painful) and stayed with my husband. a few years later, I found myself drawn to someone again....in my case I ended up asking him to go poly and it has worked for us, but my point is you need to find out if he can be good and trustful in mono, or poly. If id been dishonest, I could have cheated (again) but didnt. I also knew i would not be able to give up what i felt for my current boyfriend and was very clear with ym husband about this, but had also done alot of soul searching about wanting to be poly. Im just saying, make sure that 'saving' this marriage is whats best. my best of luck and ::hugs:::
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  #28  
Old 06-28-2013, 12:24 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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There is absolutely no excuse for deceit - ever. That said, I find your expectation that your husband just magically stop having feelings for the woman you gave permission for him to pursue unrealistic at best and cruel at worst.
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  #29  
Old 06-28-2013, 12:44 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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There is absolutely no excuse for deceit - ever. That said, I find your expectation that your husband just magically stop having feelings for the woman you gave permission for him to pursue unrealistic at best and cruel at worst.

I say that because I have been in that woman's shoes. The wife encouraged the husband into a poly relationship with me, waited just long enough for us to grow to love each other, then went 180 degrees the other way. She also blamed her abandonment issues. While I don't want to minimize her past trauma - or yours - the trauma she inflicted on the two of us by setting us up to love one another, then ripping us apart was almost more than I could bear.

I must say, unlike your husband, we did not cheat, nor deceive her. We respected her wishes that we disengage sexually, but neither us knew how to "un-love" the other. Unfortunately, sexual disengagement was not enough. She could not tolerate that he had any feelings for me whatsoever. She eventually demanded that we not see each other all. And so we cut contact with one another.

I had been out of their lives for a year when they separated, and are now divorcing.
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