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  #1  
Old 05-26-2013, 12:35 PM
aleshko1980 aleshko1980 is offline
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Default Telling the kids...

Hi to all.

I writting here because I need an advice. Let me explain my situation first. Me and my wife have one kid (boy). I also have a GF with her's kid from previous relationship. We are currently in triad but living separately. My boy is 11 years old, my GF's is 4 years old. My GF visits us 2-3times a week. We are currently planning for her to move with us.

How do I approach and tell my boy (11) the situation? Because he is already in his teens years and he will soon realize that my GF is not just our "family friend". Is it wise to tell him oppenly?
And for the last...how to I approach to the little one (4)? He is too young to be able to understand.

Thanks for your answers.
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  #2  
Old 05-26-2013, 01:29 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aleshko1980 View Post
Hi to all.

I writting here because I need an advice. Let me explain my situation first. Me and my wife have one kid (boy). I also have a GF with her's kid from previous relationship. We are currently in triad but living separately. My boy is 11 years old, my GF's is 4 years old. My GF visits us 2-3times a week. We are currently planning for her to move with us.

How do I approach and tell my boy (11) the situation? Because he is already in his teens years and he will soon realize that my GF is not just our "family friend". Is it wise to tell him oppenly?
And for the last...how to I approach to the little one (4)? He is too young to be able to understand.

Thanks for your answers.
Hi!

A few things which are important (I think) to think about before moving in:

(not meaning that you shouldn't move in, but meaning that these things should be clear between the adults before moving in)

1. Educating your kids. This might be different for the 4 year old and the 11 year old. But, how authority does the GF have over the 11 year old? Can she discipline, does she have the authority to say that he has to do his homework for example, etc.

2. Are you all on the same page as to how the kids (especially the 4 year old, since they need the most continuity) are to be educated?

3. What are the rules of the house, for both the adults and the kids?

4. How are the sleeping arrangements. Will there be any difference for the kids? Will he suddenly have to share a room?

Once you have these things (and I'm sure I'm forgetting some) clear, you can sit the 11 year old down and talk about the fact that there are different forms of relationships, and how much you all love GF.

I personally would ask him how he feels about her moving in. Have him have a say, and give him plenty of time to get used to the idea. If he has concerns, address them as if they are important (which they are!).

One of the things that you could do before moving in, is taking a family holiday together (if you haven't already). That way you can see where the issues are going to be, how you guys work together on a day to day basis, etc.

For the 4 year old I don't think that it is your job to tell her, but it is your GFs.
I would suggest just saying something simple as "we are going to live with X and X, how fun is that!". And leave it at that. Once she gets older she will be used to the situation already and it is easier to explain how and what to her.

Good luck, and congrats on the decision to move in together! If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been together?
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Old 05-26-2013, 01:40 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Good thoughts, Ssandra. I have the same question, how long have you all been together? If it's been years and your dynamics are all going great, awesome! If this is less than a year old, I would strongly caution against everyone living together. Living together can bring to light problems that were hidden before, or exacerbate old ones, without the option for people to as easily just take some space if they need it (especially with three adults and two kids in the house, it'll be crowded!). Explaining to your kids about your situation will be straightforward enough in the end. Explaining to them why everyone is always fighting, and then why one person is moving out, if this move was premature? That will be much harder.
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Old 05-26-2013, 03:21 PM
aleshko1980 aleshko1980 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ssandra View Post
Hi!

A few things which are important (I think) to think about before moving in:

(not meaning that you shouldn't move in, but meaning that these things should be clear between the adults before moving in)

1. Educating your kids. This might be different for the 4 year old and the 11 year old. But, how authority does the GF have over the 11 year old? Can she discipline, does she have the authority to say that he has to do his homework for example, etc.

2. Are you all on the same page as to how the kids (especially the 4 year old, since they need the most continuity) are to be educated?

3. What are the rules of the house, for both the adults and the kids?

4. How are the sleeping arrangements. Will there be any difference for the kids? Will he suddenly have to share a room?

Once you have these things (and I'm sure I'm forgetting some) clear, you can sit the 11 year old down and talk about the fact that there are different forms of relationships, and how much you all love GF.

I personally would ask him how he feels about her moving in. Have him have a say, and give him plenty of time to get used to the idea. If he has concerns, address them as if they are important (which they are!).

One of the things that you could do before moving in, is taking a family holiday together (if you haven't already). That way you can see where the issues are going to be, how you guys work together on a day to day basis, etc.

For the 4 year old I don't think that it is your job to tell her, but it is your GFs.
I would suggest just saying something simple as "we are going to live with X and X, how fun is that!". And leave it at that. Once she gets older she will be used to the situation already and it is easier to explain how and what to her.

Good luck, and congrats on the decision to move in together! If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been together?
Hi, thanks for quick reply

Let me answer your questions:

1. My GF has the authority to discipline him, since she is an adult...basically the rule is with us, that children should listen to adults.

2. we are on the same page about educating the little one (4)

3. rules? well as every household even here we have rules, which must be met...from time for doing homeworks, time for play, etc...

4. the kids will share the room, there is no other possibility....there aren't any problems currently with that, since the youngest one is very eager and happy to share...oldest one also wants to share, since he will get a younger "brother"

also, let me put an answer to post from AnnabelMore: we are together for 1 year and kids are in very good relationship...the youngest one wants to sleep over on a regular basis )
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Old 05-26-2013, 04:36 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Cool. ^_^ As for telling them: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=921
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Old 05-29-2013, 06:58 PM
aleshko1980 aleshko1980 is offline
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Hi, thanks, for kind answers...one more question. Should my girlfriend be involved in parenting my kid? And vice versa?
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  #7  
Old 05-30-2013, 02:34 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm no child psychiatry expert, but it seems to me like introducing a new parent at age 11 would be pretty tough for him to really accept? I would more expect her be, like, an Aunt, someone who should be listened to and respected, but not a third parent.
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  #8  
Old 05-30-2013, 07:22 PM
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Sekhmet Sekhmet is offline
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I'm a stepmom and am very active in a couple stepmom forums.

I agree that your girlfriend probably shouldn't parent your son, at least not early on. What I've heard recommended is referred to as the Lady of the House Rule. Basically, it means that if it effects her, she, as a Lady of the House, may step in, but if it doesn't, she should stay out of it.

He's not doing his homework? Not her problem. He's got the television blaring and she's trying to sleep? She can tell him to turn it down if you or your wife aren't around. He leaves dirty dishes? Depends. Does she need that dish? Is it a habit? Does he leave things around until they attract bugs?

Does that make sense? Good luck!
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  #9  
Old 05-30-2013, 08:14 PM
london london is offline
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Default Not specific to any situation in this thread

I want my son (age seven, has a diagnosis of autistic spectrum disorder) to be accepting of all types of relationships. I think a way to do this is to be very careful with how you explain romantic relationships from a very young age. For example, I have always said to my son that any adults can fall in love, marry and start a family together if they wish to. I told him this at 4 when he asked me who was "the girlfriend" out of a close family friend and his boyfriend. He could tell they were in a romantic relationship despite not seeing any PDA's and said that he thought that E, who is actually the "bottom", was the girlfriend. That explanation satisfied him and now he doesn't view homosexual relationships as alternative, especially as he has been to same sex weddings and knows a good few homosexual couples, he sees them as normal as heterosexual couples. Homosexual celebrity couples such as Elton John and David Furnish who publicly adopt or use surrogacy or artificial insemination to start a family offer opportunities to show how a homosexual relationship does not mean that one has to sacrifice their wish to be a parent and that the things that make a family are love, loyalty and companionship rather than the gender, beliefs or lifestyles of the people involved.

Recently he referred to something on tv which was actually a form of ethical non monogamy in the sense that both women were aware their partner had another partner. He described this as cheating and I used that opportunity to explain that it could only be cheating if any of the people involved were unaware of the existence of the other relationships their partner was involved in. That leaves the opportunity to later explain that someone can still cheat in a non monogamous relationship by breaking agreements.

My son now knows that adults can have as many relationships as he wants, with people of whatever gender he wants, as long as he is honest and forthcoming with the people he has those relationships with. This is the norm I have created for him. This is what other ideologies will have to compete with.
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