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  #101  
Old 05-14-2012, 03:36 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default waaaaassup?

Well hello. what's new? missed you folks.

Well my life is as odd as it's ever been and now filled with more love fun and adventure then I would have thought.

I'm living with my beloved, her husband and their two kids and having the time of my life.

I'm taking classes to become an EMT, Emergency Medical technician/Paramedic, surrounded by love and learning to live again.How cool is that? zactly. very.

I have a lot to learn about being in love, true love, and can tell I've got a lot of work to do, but i'm getting there.

being with someone who loves me fully is an amazing an touching experience.

I've let my marriage go, I've filed for divorce and it will be finalized in 3 months or so. T my wife is happy now, and deservedly so. I was never the man for her, we had what we had, but I'm glad it's over.

For all the pain, hurt and sorrow I experienced last year, all I can say about that is, is that it was worth it, because it brought me to Ro, my love.

later folks, I'm off to go sit in the sun and thank the universe for looking after me.
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  #102  
Old 05-28-2013, 09:59 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default Well that was fast!

So here I am. single. Some shit just aint ever gonna work out, and the sooner you move on the happier you get.

Me? I'm slow.

God damn but I seem to suck at relationships. I'm in a place where other then being a good man, a great lay and having an odd sense of humor, I just don't have anything else to offer right now. How someone who's done as much living loving and laughing as I have over the years finds himself in my current position...is pissing me off.

Why, you may ask?

Simple. I made the choices that lead me to my current state of affairs, and it's hard not to look back and think, I was so fucking close to having what I thought I always wanted, only to find out It just wasn't who I am.

So now Here I is, Pretty happy today for the most part, but still struggling with the "what ifs, and "if only" state of mind.

My cat Charlie doesn't seem to care what my mood is and just loves me anyway. I think it's the belly rubs and tuna I give him everyday, but sometimes I wonder if the little bastard isn't just showing off his Yoda like ability to go with the flow.

I've gone from poly to mono to single, since this little adventure began and I'm taking break from any and all forms of serious relationships.

I needed time to heal, mentally physically and spiritually from my divorce and instead jumped right into another relationship with no less then a tantric sexalogical body worker, who was right in the middle of her own break up story. A match made in the land of OZ. where no matter what you think, it's gonna end in a bizarre and unforgettable way. I'm trying to close it off with love and kindness, but I'm getting tired of being used as a punching bag for anthers choices.

I made a ton of mistakes, the biggest one was not truly looking at my life and allowing my spirit to heal. A 20 yr marriage carries alot of cleaning up to do to be involved with someone else so soon. 14 months, 6 of bliss, 4 of horror and the rest spent saying goodbye.

The sex was awesome, she really did and does love me, but I'm just to fucking much of an agent of chaos for anyone to love right now. Maybe always will be.

I'll always love RO, Always. But I'm not just the wrong kinda guy for a woman who needs stability and a semblance of order in her life.

I have however attended cuddle parties, pujas and other related events, which have helped me see that I'm not really the prick I thought I was. Well mostly.

I've tried dating and I am so not ready. POly Mono or sex with aliens are just waaaaaay to much of a distraction for me.

On the bright side, I am a fully qualified EMR, still damn good looking, and not dead.

That's gotta count for something right?
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  #103  
Old 05-28-2013, 01:14 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Oops! I asked you to check back in when NRE was over and you might be feeling less mono, but I didn't mean to imply I wished the relationship would end!

I'm glad you had a rocking 6 months with Ro, learned a lot about yourself, got your EMR training too. So you're now in a little apartment on your own? Have you found work?

Good luck with everything. Take your time, you've been through a lot.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
Robin, 60 (mono)
and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s
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  #104  
Old 05-28-2013, 04:31 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default No job, mo apartment.

This just gets so weird. My GF RO, in the time of horror fucked off to Hawaii, with the kids and another man, and told me to be gone by the time she returned. I was living at her house at the time, and ended up moving back in with my ex wife T1. Because I was so centered on fixing or fixating on the relationship with Ro itself, I missed my best opportunity where I live to go to work, which meant no EMR positions available until late fall.

So now I'm looking to get a short term job, and find yet another place to live.

I've used my time back with T1 who was at the time broken up with the guy she left me for and I used the time to start the healing process. I've made great strides and actually have a real plan of what I want and will create in my life.

1) A career I enjoy,
2) A home of my own,
3) A relationship with someone who actually loves me. As is. I'm a good and decent man, yes I've got my shit, but so does anyone else.
4) My motorcycle
5) My tattoos.
6) and all the good fortune the universe has to give me.

I've spent a lot of work cleaning up myself my life and my act. I'm a very different man then the one who started this journey through wonderland, and I aint ever settling for less in a relationship or from myself again.

I have no home of my own, no job, but I do have a dream and hope.

The relationship broke down when Ro realized I wasn't ever going to be a replacement husband. Her husband at the time did pretty much whatever she told him to do, and many of those things I had no interest in doing, now or ever. She needed a houseboy, not a partner. And I'm just way to independent and unpredictable to be used like that. When you add in just how unreliable financially I was at the time, well you can see how this went bad so fast. She did her own work on killing the relationship, but that's hers to tell not mine.

Twin souls, both looking for the other. But our journey at least in this lifetime is done. We taught each other what we needed to know and it was time to move on. Hurt like a bitch though.

We were both looking to be rescued from unhappy lives, and ended up creating more harm then good. It happens all the time, I just didn't realize how truly fucked up I was. I'm so sorry for all of the pain I brought into her world, but I celebrate those 6 incredible months where we both had the chance to see what a truly loving powerful relationship can be.

So for now, it's work and a home that occupy my time. Everything else is just a distraction.

I love you Ro, you took me in and did your best, you just had a different path to follow. May your journey be filled with love and wonder.

Freetime.
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Last edited by Freetime; 05-28-2013 at 04:35 PM.
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  #105  
Old 05-30-2013, 05:14 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default So it goes.

I've had two poly relationships. Both proved to be based on deception and hidden motives. Why? Why not just tell the truth? In the first one my wife wanted to unmarried, and set up her next partner before giving me the news about what was really going on, divorce, not poly.

In the second one I found myself being seen as a replacement husband for a broken 13yr marriage.

I had the opportunity to see this type of dishonesty from both prospectives, as the man being replaced, and as the man doing the replacing. Both positions are absolutely abhorrent to me, as the dishonesty, lack of consideration for the consequences of said actions and pain caused are and were completely unnecessary.

But that's a mute point as what happened, happened. In both cases the fear of being alone was the main motivator for how these events came into play the way they did.

Yes, I played my role in this, and I'm accountable for the pain and harm I caused. But I went into both relationships with the understanding it was Polyamory. It wasn't and never will be.

This is painful to write as I see just how deep the dishonesty and and lack of care for others actually went. Lying, cheating, breaking agreements, and using another human being in this way is beyond me. I wouldn't do it, won't do it. Ever.

But it has taught me to look closely at the person I'm in front of now and take my time to see what the fuck is really going on. Ilearned not once but twice now that Poly can be and will be used as cover for other things, Such as described above.

If and when I choose to get into another Poly relationship, I'll be damn sure to give it time, and to observe closely how the current relationships are working.

Painful life lessons over the last 24 months. But ones I wont forget.

I've forgiven both partners, as I have no room for hate or resentment in my heart, no room for it. They did love me, true enough. Just not enough to be honest or open about what was really happening. We all paid a steep price for those lies, theirs and my own.

SO kids? want to give poly a try? Thinking this will save your marriage, make your life easier? Think again. True poly is based on love and trust. you'd better have a strong foundation of both in your current relationship before you even consider it.
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  #106  
Old 05-30-2013, 05:50 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
If and when I choose to get into another Poly relationship, I'll be damn sure to give it time, and to observe closely how the current relationships are working.
Good advice! Very likely you will see the red flags of impending explosions before they will.
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  #107  
Old 05-30-2013, 06:08 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
True poly is based on love and trust. you'd better have a strong foundation of both in your current relationship before you even consider it.
Yes!
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  #108  
Old 05-30-2013, 11:09 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Thinking this will save your marriage, make your life easier? Think again. True poly is based on love and trust. you'd better have a strong foundation of both in your current relationship before you even consider it.
This!
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  #109  
Old 05-31-2013, 10:57 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default As it goes...

....After I Moved in with Ro, I told myself I was rebuilding and growing. niether proved true. What I was doing was hiding and running as fast as I could from a lifetime of Pain. Relationships are a great place to hide in....for a little while, but eventually you have to deal with what brought or got you there in the first place. I didn't. And neither did Ro. So when her husband said he was moving out, and I still had no job, wouldn't behave like I was supposed to, it all went to hell.

I still love ro. That woman has so much on her plate right now to deal with, and the best we could do just wasn't enough. God damn but I miss her.
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  #110  
Old 06-02-2013, 07:52 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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This cant't be and isn't about blame. Love is love. Ro needs time and space to heal. A small thing to grant another human being who's in a world of hurt.

I'll be alright, aftert all I have you folks to love me when I'm hurting. I'm a pretty lucky guy I'd say.
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