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Old 05-26-2013, 06:28 PM
mamalionesse mamalionesse is offline
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Hi everyone,

I've been in an open relationship for the last 2 years with my bf A. We swing periodically and have sex separately with other people, when the opportunity arises. I am bisexual and he is hetero. I have always known that he is poly. He says that it is something he is, not something he does. I "share" him with his most recent ex (from a committed relationship, I mean), whom he still loves and cares for very much (but with whom he doesn't have sex), and whom I get on very well with, as well as several other ex-gfs he cares for and feels protective towards. Sometimes it's wearing, but mostly I don't mind, because I do not want to exclude anyone, nor would I begrudge anyone anything I had if I can spare it.

Although I see that he loves his ex and he loves me, and therefore it is possible to love more than one person at a time, I am not convinced that is possible for me. I always knew that one day he might meet someone else and fall in love with her, but I was not expecting what has happened.

An old gf from over 10 years ago recently found him (ah, the power of social media...) and wrote to ostensibly get closure on her leaving him so abruptly a decade ago. They arranged to have dinner together two weeks ago and she asked him to leave me for her. He told her that he wouldn't but that he wanted to be part of her life and for her to be part of his. She said she did not want to meet me. A few days later, she bailed.

For a week, I did not know that she had asked him to leave me. He had been trying to process the situation. But I was feeling very insecure and had been trying to keep lines of communication open, talking about my fears particularly because I felt like he was being cagey. When he did tell me, it was because he realised that what he appreciates most about our relationship was that I accept him as he is. So he told me that, and he told me that he felt a great sense of loss because his relationship with her was so intense - an intensity that he did not feel with his most recent ex, nor with me.

I spent a few days reeling in shock, battling with my two main insecurities: not-good-enough girl and outsider-trying-to-get-in. The first I managed to slap down, but the second was yelling at this woman who had come out of the blue, right at the moment when A is about to move in with me. I was just starting to get things under control when A came home on Friday and told me she'd called again and wanted to be "more emotionally mature" and not run away. He is happy and he feels that he there is "redemption" for him in this relationship. I want him to be happy and, even though I don't know her, I don't want her to be unhappy, but...

I am afraid of losing him. I have said this. He says he doesn't know what will happen, and of course he doesn't. He says he loves me very much and is committed to me, and his feelings towards me don't seem to have changed. I have told him that it is essential that we meet all together and get to know each other and talk, and that I'd rather his seeing her didn't leave me alone (i.e., it would be better on the nights when I have my child), and he is in agreement. I have also told him that I need to know everything that has been said and that happens, and he is ok with that. But I still feel like shit.

I don't know what is normal in this type of relationship. I'm not really sure he does. He has a very dominant personality and is not very empathic although he is very altruistic. He wants to see her tonight and tomorrow (Sunday and Monday), and I don't feel I can say that I think that's a lot when I'm still trying to get used to the idea.

So basically, I need help from all you good people out there. My world has been turned upside down. I am full of doubt; my insecurities are jumping all over me; my eczema is flaring; my shoulders are tight; and of course I have no-one to talk to who won't judge us. Thank you for your insight and advice.

Gi
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Old 05-26-2013, 08:09 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Gi,

I'm not sure if "normal" exists in polyamory, and if it does, it may or may not equal "successful." Certainly honesty is important and you and A seem to have that. You have established some boundaries which is probably a good thing. If you need to establish more boundaries at least for the time being, then you do. I sense that guilt may be preventing you from asking for what you need at times.

So far, the way A's 10-year ex has been acting is not cool. She started right away with asking him to leave you, and refused to meet you at that time. I'd be suspicious about her motives, but of course you can't control A's behavior, and A is all caught up in this. Even though this isn't his first go-around with this ex, it sounds like NRE (New Relationship Energy) to me. It's affecting his judgment.

The best I can think of to suggest is to re-iterate your concerns to A, and keep the communication channels open. If A leaves you for this other woman, you have to question how loyal A was to you in the first place. I don't suppose that's quite what you wanted to hear, but I'm a little suspicious of A's motives also, just from what I've read.

Don't know if that helps; perhaps others will post too with some other perspectives.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 05-26-2013, 08:28 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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That's a really shitty situation. For me personally, if somebody came and asked my partner to leave me for them and they were interested in having them in their lives after that whether dating or not, I think I'd be ending that relationship. One of the problems is here that his ex seems to be an unrealistic idiot - what I'm taking from your post is they haven't been close for ten years and she's shown up wanting to pick right back up where they left off, without getting to know who A is NOW.

It's great that A has been honest if not forthcoming the minute his ex asked him to leave you. And if he wants to leave you at some point for her because it was "intense" with her and he wants to recapture that feeling, I'm guessing he will regret it down the line. If he keeps her in his life she is probably going to negatively impact your relationship with him no matter how good he is at compartmentalizing. In your place I wouldn't really feel safe going through with the plans to move in together until he figured out what he really does want. I'd probably still date him while I saw how things panned out, but although I can picture being tempted to go ahead with the living plans (cause that would show her he wasn't leaving you), I'd have a feeling it'd bring drama into my life in a way I didn't want unless he felt settled about his unanswered questions about his ex.

I'm also curious if she wants him to break off all his relationships, or if he's even aware he is involved with the other people, or if it's just you because you're "important" and in her way.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 05-26-2013 at 08:31 PM. Reason: runonsentences
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Old 05-26-2013, 10:27 PM
mamalionesse mamalionesse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I sense that guilt may be preventing you from asking for what you need at times.
Thanks for your thoughts, Kevin. I don't know whether it's guilt. I think its more the nature of our relationship - I am submissive to his Dominant, though it is more 50s marriage than chains and whips, as he likes to say. Also, I have been excluded a lot over the course of my life, and it is a big thing for me to be in a situation where I am the cause of others' exclusion.

Thank you for reminding me of the rules. This isn't safe, sane or consensual.
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Old 05-26-2013, 10:44 PM
mamalionesse mamalionesse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
One of the problems is here that his ex seems to be an unrealistic idiot - what I'm taking from your post is they haven't been close for ten years and she's shown up wanting to pick right back up where they left off, without getting to know who A is NOW.
My first reaction was that it smacked of instability, and A did make the same observation you did, but she perturbed him by saying that the only reason he's polyamorous is that he has fear of abandonment from an emotionally unavailable mother. (Ironic no?) He's been chewing that over for the last two weeks. He also says she is afraid, and I get that, so I'm prepared to have compassion for her. Even though she had none for me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I'm also curious if she wants him to break off all his relationships, or if he's even aware he is involved with the other people, or if it's just you because you're "important" and in her way.
I don't think she's yet aware of the other relationships. I told him she needs to be aware of them, and that I do not want to be the one to lose out in any of this.

Regarding the intensity, he told me a story of another intense relationship he had years ago and that he didn't pursue because of his children. He swore to himself he would not pass up a chance to feel the same thing again. And yet he did when she asked him. Kinda.

I no longer know how he loves me. The moving-in plans are too far advanced to stop. I helped him move some of his stuff today and now I'm sitting here trying to find answers, knowing he is with her but not coming home to me.
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Old 05-27-2013, 11:01 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Awww, honey. Don't you have any other kink friends that have open relationships with their Doms, to talk to about this? This sounds all kinds of messed up. Are you on Fetlife? There you can post and get support from experienced Dom/mes and subs/slaves, about how to handle outside relationships the Dom has, without neglecting his main squeeze. There is more to this than polyamory.

I find it ironic that this is all happening right on the eve of moving in together! Where is his sense of commitment? Just because he is your Dom doesn't mean he gets to do whatever he wants without considering your needs and feelings. A D/s relationship is meant to nurture and support the sub. If it doesn't, it's not kink, it's not BDSM, it's abuse.

Also, if you're a 50s style "housewife," your man is supposed to be loving, honoring and protecting you. You get to negotiate your own boundaries here, and if he isn't respectful of you, you make it known, sister. A 50s housewife would be screaming and yelling and brandishing her rolling pin at her man taking up with an ex who immediately suggests he leave his long time love for her. He's enjoying this "intensity," this drama she is bringing into his life... again? Fine, whatever. You can insist she be made aware you exist, he ain't leaving you, he is in fact, moving in with you, and he has several other gfs already as well, and you all share him without drama or "cowgirl" tactics.

Sigh... If he won't address this with his ex, he's a rat, plain and simple.
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Old 05-29-2013, 04:27 AM
mamalionesse mamalionesse is offline
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Thank you to everyone for your thoughts. They really helped me to see more clearly what I should do, even though my understanding of what is really going on remains vague.

For those who like to tie up loose ends, I asked him to come home Monday night and see her Tuesday instead. I told him I thought he was not doing the right thing and was not taking care of me. He agreed, said it was selfish and irrational, but that he had to do it. There is no reasoning with him. I did however get him to show me his feelings instead of his mask.

I do not believe it is just about this ex. I believe there is something else that he just won't acknowledge to himself, and that this woman is serving as a focus. He is sabotaging our relationship, and trampling on our children in the process.

The other gfs have rallied round me, and I have been surprised at how supportive everyone is being, but I am heartbroken even so. He has agreed to come to couple therapy with me so I can get some closure and transition well, which is important. I do not want to hate him, and yet that seems the only way to cope otherwise. For the sake of our kids, and for all of us, I want an amicable relationship. But I won't be submissive anymore.

Thanks again.
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Old 05-30-2013, 01:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamalionesse View Post

He is sabotaging our relationship, and trampling on our children in the process.

The other gfs have rallied round me, and I have been surprised at how supportive everyone is being, but I am heartbroken even so. He has agreed to come to couple therapy with me so I can get some closure and transition well, which is important. I do not want to hate him, and yet that seems the only way to cope otherwise. For the sake of our kids, and for all of us, I want an amicable relationship. But I won't be submissive anymore.

Thanks again.
Oh, you've got kids? Ugh. I hope therapy helps!
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miss pixi, 37
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