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  #11  
Old 05-19-2013, 05:54 AM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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Oops! I stand corrected :P
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  #12  
Old 05-19-2013, 08:49 AM
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thekavorka thekavorka is offline
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well it happened. theyve split up. he has to move out. tomorrow. the wife and i are on good terms...have somehow remained friends through all of this. and of course the husband wants to pursue a relationship with me.

which the wife has no knowledge of.

i've been saying a lot of "ums" and "wellllllll." to him... have been refusing to acknowledge the advances. somebody come slap me and remind me i need to get far, far away from this.

is it possible to step away from not pursuing something you want so badly? it seems like everyone just does it and regrets it greatly later. can anyone who has avoided these seemingly inevitable steps guide me here?
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  #13  
Old 05-19-2013, 08:51 AM
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thekavorka thekavorka is offline
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oh sorry...it's ex-husband* ex-wife*

funny not funny -___-
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  #14  
Old 05-19-2013, 09:28 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Yes, it is possible to step away, and from what I have read, you need to. You have been hooked and baited by that BS called "NRE." I have never bought into it, and I roll my eyes when people justify it as an excuse for stupid behaviour.

It is possible to still be a rebound. No matter how much someone swears they hated being married to a person or how many problems they had, separations and divorces will still get the best of that person. It is a highly emotional time even if it goes well. They have children, and we have all seen custody battles get nasty and volatile. They need to handle that.

Step back, offer to be a friend, respect the grieving process for the end of the marriage, if it happens, stop listening to your heart and/or hormones, and think logically. They brought you in to fix their marriage when it was already damaged. Huge mistake and a common idiotic move that usually fails.

You know what you should do? Encourage them to seek family counselling. You said you are friends with the wife. Ask her to consider those children. Their dysfunctional behaviour should not hurt them. Even if they do end up divorcing, they can do it on better terms and minimise any pain.
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  #15  
Old 05-19-2013, 09:03 PM
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thekavorka thekavorka is offline
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thank you. exactly what i needed to hear. i am getting myself away from this today.
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  #16  
Old 05-29-2013, 03:16 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thekavorka View Post
well it happened. theyve split up . . . the husband wants to pursue a relationship with me.

which the wife has no knowledge of.

i've been saying a lot of "ums" and "wellllllll." to him... have been refusing to acknowledge the advances. somebody come slap me and remind me i need to get far, far away from this.
*SLAP!*

Don't be wishy-washy with "umm's" and "welllll" - take a stance and firmly say "No. Do not ask me that again. I wish you well but I don't want to get involved. You need to focus on dealing with your marriage ending -- leave me out of it."
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-29-2013 at 03:18 PM.
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