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  #1  
Old 05-23-2013, 09:28 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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Default How do I bring it up?

So my bf and I have been "together" for almost two months. We intended to be FWB only since he has an open relationship with a girl from home. However, before I knew it, we were together all the time. We spend most nights with each other, we have both decided we don't want to sleep alone. He left for a trip for a class and I am taking care of his most valuable things and watching his place for him.

My husband is actually the one that started calling him my boyfriend. I just denied it was anything more than FWB. Then we had a party a week ago, and he referred to himself in front of my friends as my boyfriend. I didn't know what to think. He isn't in touch with his emotions and gets uncomfortable discussing things like this sometimes. He will do it, it just has to be the right place and time in order for him to not try to distract you away from an uncomfortable subject.

I still didn't pay any mind to it, even after he said he was my bf. Then my husband met him for the first time this weekend and commented on how we look at each other and how he looks at me. I didn't put much weight on that thinking he was reading into it. Then after the party a few of my friends commented on how he stayed near me, how he looked at me etc and asked what was going on. People who have been around us that don't know our situation are commenting on me needing to be "careful, because I think that he is falling for you".

We are a great match. I am not in love with him, but I have a lot of feelings and we have so much fun together. I feel like we are on the same wave length all the time, even if we are just sitting quietly next to one another studying.

Here is the thing: It is obvious that this is more than a FWB situation. That is why I am even on this website atm (that and thanks to this I realized I have been poly all my life). I need to make sure we are all on the same page about what is going on here, but don't know how to bring it up. We have a weekend planned (just the 3 of us) when I pick him up tomorrow. I am even introducing him to more of my friends (just without details atm). After the weekend, I feel we need to have a discussion about what is going on between us.

Do I even need to have this talk? Am I trying to push things to places they weren't meant to go? How do I even start this conversation?

I feel like he has been poking around to see how I feel from time to time, just a side comment here or there. Maybe I am reading into things, but everyone noticing how he looks at me made me think we may need to discuss this further.

Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. I have been fretting about it all week and still don't know where to start.
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LadySFI- me; Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

C-Boyfriend - Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon
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  #2  
Old 05-23-2013, 10:18 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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No, I don't think you need to "have this talk" with him.

IMHO, you shouldn't worry about what to call each other -- labels are less important than just about everything else in a relationship. Just relax and enjoy the energy and fun you have together. It's only been two months, that's no time at all - slow down! You are getting wa-a-a-aaaayyy ahead of yourself.

Basically, you are both in the midst of a neurochemical soup churning around in your brains, rich in oxytocin, dopamine, and other fun stuff. Don't let a neurochemical reaction dictate how you manage your life. Your head is in the clouds and you need to get back down to earth, with your feet firmly on the ground. For some good insights, read Your Brain on Sex.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #3  
Old 05-23-2013, 11:17 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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You and my husband both agree. I have a need to talk about everything. D just tends to ride things out. I think I'll take a page from his playbook and use it to grow as a person.
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LadySFI- me; Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

C-Boyfriend - Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon
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  #4  
Old 05-28-2013, 12:59 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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Soooo. Thought I would update. Spent a wonderful weekend with all of my boys. D and I had to leave and ride home since there are classes this week. On the way home, he decided to have the conversation with me. He said it feels a little strange, but very comfortable too. I was stunned at his desire to discuss this and took the opportunity to point that out and thank him for talking to me about it because I know that sort of thing is hard for him. He said that being in a poly relationship was new, but he was really enjoying it. I asked him if he knew what he was saying and if he knew what poly was. His definition was not lacking. He knew exactly what he was talking about.

Guess I didn't have to worry about it after all.
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LadySFI- me; Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

C-Boyfriend - Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon
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  #5  
Old 05-28-2013, 01:10 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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Also, this was a great laymans article on the function of dopamine in human desires. I like the other articles that are included on the page as well.
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LadySFI- me; Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

C-Boyfriend - Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon
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  #6  
Old 05-28-2013, 02:25 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, congrats! I am glad things are progressing nicely. Personally, I told my gf I loved her 6 weeks into our relationship (though I was pretty sure I loved her after one week)! She didn't say "I love you" back right away, but a couple weeks later she did, and was also OK thinking of us as girlfriends.

I don't hold with the friends with benefits idea, myself. I am too much of a lover for that. I've had casual relationships and they're OK, but I want the whole enchilada. Love, sex, seeing each other at least once a week, sharing what is going on in our lives, helping each other with household work, cooking, home maintenance, listening to music, talking about the books we are reading, meeting each others' friends and family, more sex, cuddles, dates, making tea or soup if the other is sick, more sex...
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The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, 37
I am also casually dating presently, and miss pixi is open to dating as well
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