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  #111  
Old 05-28-2013, 11:12 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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As I rode the train to C.'s city, I felt myself getting calmer. It might have had something to do with my reading (I'd been reading Pema Chodron all morning, btw this is highly recommended for anyone who's ever dealt with obsessive thoughts).

I arived early at the place we were meeting, a bar we go to often. The weather was beautiful, I sat outside the bar on the lovely old square, ordered a drink, and looked around me. I was very calm.
When C arrived we talked some practical small talk at first, about my family and his work. Then I asked him: how was your weekend? I knew he had spent it with Molly. He said they had a great weekend. And then he told me: "yesterday morning I told her I was going home in the afternoon. That I wanted to have the evening to myself, and that you were coming to visit today. And I dreaded telling her, because we had said we would spend the weekend together, and I thought she probably thought that would include last night.
But she was perfectly fine with it. And that made me realize I need to be much clearer about my boundaries. And we talked a lot, and I think she is becoming more and more accepting of the fact that if she wants to be with me, you are there, as well. That I am also in a relationship with you. "

This may seem like such a simple thing but when he told me this, it was like a weight was being lifted, and there was no heaviness or anxiety in me anymore. I told him that this was exactly what I'd been having issues with. That the fact that he did not want to be clear to her about me, and did not want to be clear to me about her. How he was twisting himself around to not hurt her, with the result that I felt unseen, unacknowledged and unappreciated. I basically told him most of the things outlined in my previous post. And he listened. Calmly. I could see that I really got through to him. (for months, all of our conversations were: me getting upset and insecure, him getting defensive, me sad, him reassuring me, rinse and repeat). He was not defensive at all. He did not argue with what I told him. He listened and said I'm sorry you feel that way. He apologized for handling things badly, and for not treating both of us right, because of not being honest with himself.

It was all pretty huge and went SO much bettter than I could have imagined....

After that we went home, I cooked a great dinner, we sat on the couch and talked a lot. We taked about me being included in his life and meeting his friends. He told me more about his social life and I realized (which I suppose I could've known, but the concept of having a very quiet social life is so alien to me, I kept forgetting) that he really doesn't have a lot of friends. And I have met his best friend, he introduced me to her pretty soon afterwe became serious. I saw that he is, or has been, quite lonely, and that besides his lover, I am also one of his closest friends. This made it even easier to feel compersion for his relationship with Molly - he's with her, and through her meeting new people, and enjoying it.

We also talked a lot about my relationship with MrBrown and the D/s dynamic. He's been jealous of MrB in the past, but I could tell he made a genuine effort to talk to me about it and to understand the how's and why's of this dynamic, and what it means to me.

It was a great evening of open, flowing connections.
No sex, but some excellent, passionate kissing (which, I admit, I sometimes like even more than sex). I spent the night, had to get up really early to make the 2 hour commute and be at work in time. But I woke up so happy and light. I think it was the first time in months I did not leave him with a lump in my throat and a heavy heart.

I realize when I write all this down it's not even that clear what has changed. I think it was that I was able to communicate my issues, but most importantly, he was ready to really hear them. He changed - I could see he was no longer making excuses, being defensive, like a deer in the headlights. I felt that he really SAW me, and that was something I had not felt in months.

Taking it slow from here, not getting my hopes up too much. The daily reality will have to show if this is a lasting thing, or if he will get caught in the complexities of his poly life again and not know how to deal. But I am optimistic, and that is also something I haven't felt in months. So for now I am just going to enjoy that I feel no longer anxious and sad, but full of love and hope instead.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf

Last edited by Cleo; 05-28-2013 at 12:41 PM.
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  #112  
Old 05-28-2013, 11:51 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Wow, this sounds wonderful! Kudos to you for getting to a place where you were so clear about your feelings and able to deal with them constructively, and so nice that he's progressed to be able to respond in kind.
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  #113  
Old 05-28-2013, 01:14 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Oh, I'm very happy for you, Cleo! The conversations sounds very healthy on all parts. I hope C also does what he says he'll do and that you'll feel more secure in the relationship in the future.
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  #114  
Old 05-28-2013, 06:01 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I am so glad the conversation went so well, I hope he is willing to keep on the path he is with working on being comfortable talking about things. I've seen so many situations be worse than they have to when the hinge was assuming their partners wouldn't be OK with things/information so they keep quiet aren't upfront. It always seems to make the situation awkward for all parties.

Yay on having a lovely evening with him too! And that article by Pema is interesting and helpful by the way.
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  #115  
Old 05-28-2013, 07:29 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I know what happened, Cleo. You were present. And that makes all the difference. When we are present (and not preoccupied with our thoughts), we not only transform situations for ourselves, but for the people around us, too.

If you were sitting there all worried, wondering how he would take things, or rehearsing, he might not have had such an easy time being straightforward with you. But something shifted when you showed up and you really just showed up. That's all we ever need in life, actually - is to "be here now." So, because you were present and open, and able to listen, he was able to be present and open, and communicate. And if he continues to be present with Molly, she'll be more receptive and able to hear what he has to say. It's a chain reaction.

It's a great thing to remember when we are stuck - let go of thoughts, connect with the present moment, and be with what's in front of us. That's when transformation happens - when we are present in the here and now.

So cool! Kudos to you. Happy to read that it went so well and felt so easy between you.
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"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 05-29-2013 at 03:21 PM.
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  #116  
Old 05-29-2013, 01:20 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Well. Resolving the major anxieties around my relationship with C. happened only just in time.

I received some bad and distressing news about a close family member today. Bad because the health situation of this person is not looking good at all, distressing because I have a conflicted relation with this person and I am scared about what this means to me and for me, what will be expected of me, and how this is going to affect me. Anyway, don't want to go into specifics. The poly-related part is that after receiving the news, I immediately called Ren, and after talking to him, I sent emails to both C and MrBrown with the news. They both responded within a couple of hours, 2 messages that could not be more different, but both of them supporting me in their own unique way, both there for me.

I haven't experienced a real, not poly-related crisis since I started having multiple relationships, and I thought it was pretty great how loved and cared for and supported I can feel with these three men, all so different, all responding to different needs I have.

I love them all so much.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #117  
Old 05-31-2013, 09:15 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Glad to hear the talk with C went well, Cleo. That's good news!
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  #118  
Old 06-01-2013, 02:19 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Ren is on a date with a new person. I like everything he's told me about her, and I really hope it will be a good date. I'm home alone enjoying the peace and quiet and getting some work done on a new creative project.

I had an interesting online 'session' with MrB last night. First he gave me some assignments, and then he asked me to dom him a little. He is so naturally dominant that it wasn't easy, but I think I did ok, and I really enjoyed myself. Would love to explore this further. This morning we had a little communication hick up. He is so in the moment, all the time, that he is not always very good with aftercare after particularly intense encounters (RL or online). I need to talk to him about this sometime. We worked it out, but there should be an easier way.

C. is with Molly this weekend. He just sent me a short but sweet text message. I think things are going well between us...

I have lots of fun dates with friends lined up for the weekend, none of which, fortunately, require any thought about matching underwear. It's a nice change
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf

Last edited by Cleo; 06-01-2013 at 03:31 PM.
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  #119  
Old 06-05-2013, 01:28 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Ren's date went well, and he will probably see her again. We did have a minor issue this weekend. I guess we've become a bit smug about poly and dating... and we did not set a hard rule about getting in touch, when he would be home, etc. I thought we had, but it was too vague. So when I did not hear from him for 1 hour after the time I thought he was supposed to get in touch and let me know what his plans are, I started to fret. It did not help that I knew C was with Molly. I felt lonely. Things were cleared up with Ren when he got home - and we agreed that we need to be more clear on this with subsequent dates.

Overall, I'm fine with the whole C. / Molly situation. I know they see each other often, and I do feel he has less time and attention for me. But whenever I feel this, I remind myself of all the moments when I felt he was relying on me too much.

He's coming to my city this weekend, and I am so very much looking forward to it. For the first time in months I am JUST looking forward to seeing him, not dreading any sort of uncomfortable conversation.

In other, not so good news... the sick relative I spoke about, well I might as well mention it here, that it is my dad and he has cancer. I think hard times are coming. I have no idea what the next few months will bring. I feel stressed about it a lot, because I have a difficult relationship with my parents. No siblings, so there's a lot of pressure. We'll see. I have to take really good care of myself... that's for sure.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf

Last edited by Cleo; 06-05-2013 at 08:24 PM.
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  #120  
Old 06-05-2013, 01:35 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh! Sorry to hear about your father. Yes, be sure to take good care of yourself while meeting the challenges of the sort of familial expectations that pop up around issues like this. (((HUGS)))
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