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Old 05-26-2013, 09:34 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 66

Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
In general, people on here counsel others NOT to issue ultimatums due to the fact that the manipulative type of ultimatums, "you better or else" almost always backfire, and when they do not backfire, there are often repercussions that set the relationship up for failure at some point.
I'm fairly well acquainted with this language issue since I've had open/poly relationships for over 2 decades. And in this case, ultimatum is the precise word I feel is called for because there really aren't many other linguistic options.

BoringGuy, I think your comment was more nuanced, so this isn't directed at you, but one of the dangers I see with the folks who think the word "ultimatum" or its essence are the worst thing in poly relationships is that it often guilt-trips people into thinking that they have to endlessly negotiate, even beyond their own hard boundaries. Yes, all relationships (human/non-human) are contingent and are built on a series of negotiations and compromises, but I think limits are necessary for self-respect, well-being, survival (particularly for many women).

I would counsel genebean to really try to think about what those limits are for her to be happy and have self-respect, and then use that to guide both forgiveness and the next steps. If your boyfriend(?) keeps pushing past your stated limits without taking responsibility and acknowledging his need to change his behavior if he wants to be with you, is that healthy for you? What would you lose by breaking up? And, more significantly, what would you gain by not being with him?
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."James Baldwin
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