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Old 05-23-2013, 03:48 PM
Librarian Librarian is offline
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Default Do over!

It must have been a few weeks ago now that I first posted my introduction. Boy, what a wreck I was! In fact, I was almost a little embarrassed by some of my words and I was tempted to post under a new username in order to try and start over here.

My wife has been seeing a guy for a few weeks now. He still refuses to have any contact with me, which is a huge let down, but I'm working through it. I could go on and on about their issues, but I'm going to try not to. I've learned that they are their issues and not mine! Sure, it's my relationship with her and her relationship with him does have an impact on me, but she has done such an amazing job at reinforcing her love for me and dispelling all of my fears, that I really don't have much room to worry anymore (today at least)!

We have begun to look for a couple together, despite some warnings and reading about how difficult it can be. For me, to meet a like minded, committed couple would just be the best. I get so warm and fuzzy just imagining her coming home from a night out with a guy and being able to openly talk to them both about their night. Swap dates when the other needs a break, or even have a girls/guys night out if we all hit it off. I know it sounds like an extremely Utopian type of relationship and the chances of finding such a couple are one in a million, but even searching together has been great fun and really has allowed my wife and I to share more closely not only what she wants, but what I've started to want as well.

So, I apologize if a second introduction is bad etiquette, but I felt like it was important for me to try and start over simply for myself. I've been reading some other posts, and I feel like I'm getting closer to the point of being able to share my own experiences in order to possibly comfort others in the ways that you people here comforted me when I was at my lowest lows.
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Old 05-23-2013, 03:57 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Fwiw i think that it's better to try to date another couple if you are into dating "as a couple". It isn't something i would do, and it's statistically far less likely that you will find a match, but there is something about doing it that way that seems a bit more egalitarian than trying to date single people "as a couple". But the best chance you have is to try to meet people for activities you are all interested in and get to know each other, rather than approaching it with an agenda of "forming a quad" and "swapping dates". Also, i hate the word "swap" when it refers to people because it sounds like Freecycle or something. But that is my problem, not yours.
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Old 05-23-2013, 04:06 PM
Librarian Librarian is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Fwiw i think that it's better to try to date another couple if you are into dating "as a couple". It isn't something i would do, and it's statistically far less likely that you will find a match, but there is something about doing it that way that seems a bit more egalitarian than trying to date single people "as a couple". But the best chance you have is to try to meet people for activities you are all interested in and get to know each other, rather than approaching it with an agenda of "forming a quad" and "swapping dates". Also, i hate the word "swap" when it refers to people because it sounds like Freecycle or something. But that is my problem, not yours.
It's funny what terms rub different people differently. I hadn't thought about the term of forming a quad, but I guess that is what it is. Really, I was just thinking about the close friendships I already have in place, and how great it would be to have another friendship like that, with, pardon the cliche, benefits. None of the couples we know at the moment would be into it, or perhaps we're just not into the idea of broaching the poly subject with them.

Anyway, I see your point, and I like your idea of meeting people for activities. That's a good approach, but I wonder how one would do that while still ensuring that it is understood there is still an agenda at hand. Is that wrong?
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Old 05-23-2013, 04:28 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Well i meant it as if you'd meet people on OKCupid or some place like that where there clearly IS an "agenda"; but don't screen "potentials" for looks or "compatibility" etc. Instead approach people with common interests and hobbies rather than "relationship material".

For example, you'd be surprised how an interest in mushrooms can lead to other things. If i wanted to, i could probably get at least one or two dates RIGHT NOW to go mushroom-hunting (of course, it isn't quite the season for that where i live). But the point is to be genuine, and to do things that you are passionate about or at least curious about, not to pretend to be interested in an activity just to meet people.

Oh another way of "creating an agenda" is to just go do something and when people ask you "who are you, what do you do, etc." you can just say "yeah i have a job i have a wife we have an open relationship." My spouse worked that into their stand-up comedy routine... They have been doing that FOR YEARS anyway... Well guess how they met their other partner? They are BOTH comics and were friends for 2-3 years before they started dating. Don't want to wait that long? Tough. Love doesn't have to be "on time".

tl;dr. Be who you are. Relationships are not jobs or projects with deadlines to meet.
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Old 05-23-2013, 04:42 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I actually think you could have much more success developing a quad with another couple than trying to make a triad with one more single person. There are a few people in successful quads around here, and it seems that (at least, to me) quads have better success rates than triads, although both configurations have their challenges and appear to be much less common than vees.

It does generally seem that the people in poly quads that do succeed sort of just fell into them. Often we hear that the quad formed usually after two couples get together and were building their friendship yet cannot deny some extra attractions and flirting going on until someone speaks up and they venture into taking a chance together. Just be careful with couples who have been swinging and still have that mindset of apportioning time and sex in a very regimented unemotional way - there are plenty of swingers who are open to emotional connections and letting go of strict rules ("soft swap," "full swap," etc.) but some can't make that transition, it seems.

The search function on this forum is your friend. Use it. If you do a Tag Search for "quads" or "quad dating," as a start, you will find some threads where they've shared their experiences.
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Old 05-23-2013, 09:38 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings Librarian,
Welcome again!

I hope things go well in your new endeavors. Let us know if we can be any help.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 05-24-2013, 02:19 AM
SouthernFirefly SouthernFirefly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I actually think you could have much more success developing a quad with another couple than trying to make a triad with one more single person. There are a few people in successful quads around here, and it seems that (at least, to me) quads have better success rates than triads, although both configurations have their challenges and appear to be much less common than vees.

It does generally seem that the people in poly quads that do succeed sort of just fell into them. Often we hear that the quad formed usually after two couples get together and were building their friendship yet cannot deny some extra attractions and flirting going on until someone speaks up and they venture into taking a chance together. Just be careful with couples who have been swinging and still have that mindset of apportioning time and sex in a very regimented unemotional way - there are plenty of swingers who are open to emotional connections and letting go of strict rules ("soft swap," "full swap," etc.) but some can't make that transition, it seems.

The search function on this forum is your friend. Use it. If you do a Tag Search for "quads" or "quad dating," as a start, you will find some threads where they've shared their experiences.
That's what happened with us. We were friends for five years. Did couple type stuff together. Never thought about anything more and then wham, it just happened. Just like you described, extra attractions, flirting, now our little group has been together for a year and a half. Just happened, though.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:34 AM
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leelee22 leelee22 is offline
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Hi Librarian,

I think a quad would be my worst nightmare, so nothing to say on that, but I just wanted to say, kudos on the "do over" introduction idea. Nice to meet you again.
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  #9  
Old 05-26-2013, 05:01 PM
polywindsor polywindsor is offline
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Hi Libarian;

I just thought I'd say Hello and welcome again. I am ina triad and agree with the abovve members it just happened and we all fell in love fast. I knew my gf was ment to be my gf right from day one (which I only met her for ten min and started txtn her)... So that I can agree with, patience is the hardest thing when u want something, but I always say if its worth having its worth waiting for

Cheers and Good Luck
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Old 05-26-2013, 09:06 PM
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Harborman Harborman is offline
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I am reminded of the hobbyist who gets a saw and needs to cut something. He should have a project in mind and then get the appropriate tool. So it is with an-other-than-monogamous relationship. It should be the people first, then consider how best to structure it.
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