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  #11  
Old 05-20-2013, 10:14 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by crisplove View Post
Pollyanna, it's more like her parents live with them for financial reasons. I do have a place of my own. She's welcome in it. Often, when he's there she spends the night also. (Very annoying.)
Why does she have to spend the night? Have you ever asked her to leave when you needed space? It is YOUR home, and it seems like she has worn out her welcome. You can be firm without being rude. There is no real need for her to spend the night when he is there. She has a home of her own, and it stands to reason that you and the chap need alone time.
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  #12  
Old 05-20-2013, 10:19 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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FullofLove, I've voiced my desire for more alone time. We haven't seen each other in a couple weeks. Last weekend they were out of town with his family. The weekend before that, they were out of town for her birthday. This weekend I'm going to be with my family. I'm gone during the week.

We need to have a chat soon. I'm spending too much time coming up with scenarios on my own.
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  #13  
Old 05-20-2013, 10:37 PM
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I think all three of you need to talk. If he is telling you info of or about her or what she is saying, it might be more helpful to hear it from her directly.
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  #14  
Old 05-20-2013, 10:51 PM
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I have no qualms about asking someone to leave my home. That is my sanctuary, and if I feel like someone is invading my space, they must go. You can do it without being rude.

The burden cannot fall solely on her or even you. He has to be willing to voice his needs, too. You said in one of your other posts that he called what you and him have "just sex" or something along those lines. Red flag. If you have stated your needs, he has to be willing to at least compromise or be strong enough to do what he sees fit. He knows what a relationship needs to flourish. I remember that you were not entirely comfortable with the idea of being in the closet. I cannot remember if he asked you not to say anything or how that came to be. You have already stated that being in a relationship where you have to be the secret is not something you care to do for an extended amount of time. It might be working now, but it can turn into another problem.

He has time alone with her, and obviously, you are going to want/need time alone with him. I realise it is still fairly new, but is she uncomfortable with the idea of him being alone with you? It would like a constant third wheel. I would not want to always have a third person around almost chaperoning. I am too old for that, and I am not in school on a trip any more, so I do not care to be chaperoned.

I know you mentioned the parent issue. He is a grown man, and if he wants to stay out all night and his girlfriend does not have a problem with it, why should the parents? Did she need to be eased into an arrangement like this? I remember reading a few of your posts before, but I cannot recall all the details.

I would suggest sitting down with just him, then her, and then the three of you. Figure out what it is that you need, what needs are not being met, and come to him with a list. Then, I would sit down with her. Find out what she needs, why she feels the need to chaperone/supervise your time with him, and explain that your needs are not being met with the way things are now. Last but not least...the three of you need to talk face to face and figure out some type of schedule. Treat it like a custody agreement schedule if you have to. I know you are gone during the week, but when that changes, set a schedule. Google Calendar? It is your friend. Mock schedule. Sunday-Tuesday with her. An overnight visit with you on Wednesday. He can be with her on Thursday and Friday. On Saturday, he can spend the day with her and have date night with you and possibly a night cap. Sunday, the three of you can hang out, grab breakfast/brunch, go to the cinema, go to the park, or do your own things. I do not know your individual schedules, so tweak as needed.

For now, I would still suggest a schedule of sorts. She is with him 7 days a week. She should be able to survive if he spends a night or two with you. The only people I want to be around every day of the week are my children. I can handle not seeing my husband every day. I cannot think of a single person who has something to do every weekend. Even still, perhaps she can attend those things with other relatives or close friends. There is no rule that he says he must attend every single planned thing with her. That is inconsiderate to you, to him, and to your relationship. He might want to do something else, and if he does, perhaps he should be vocal and let her know.

Do you and the chap utilise Skype, FaceTime, Oovoo, or any video chatting interface? I know it is not the same as being right next to someone, but at least you would be able to see him while you are away. People have Skype dates and iSex (instead of iChat) and all of that jazz. If not, why not? Can he not get some time alone to chat with you, ask how your day is going, and just see your face? I would hope she would not want to control that.
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  #15  
Old 05-20-2013, 10:59 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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Hi Nancy, we have all 3 spoken. She's Catholic. She's always lived with her parents. Except for the year she lived with her aunt. She's Hispanic. It's a cultural thing. I understand it because I have a similar cultural background. People live with their parents until they are married, then they live with their spouses. I don't live like that, but I understand it.

The difference between us is that I'm much more independent and individualized. I'm sexually explorative. By my family's standards, I'm bold, not just in this regard.

I understand her situation, and I understand her. This is about me though. What do I want? Do I have the courage to ask for it? I'm expanding.
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  #16  
Old 05-20-2013, 11:23 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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Quote:
You said in one of your other posts that he called what you and him have "just sex" or something along those lines. Red flag.
FoL, she said that it was just sex. He didn't. He made it clear that this is a relationship. She said this during our first meeting when I asked her how she feels about poly. They started off with swinging.

I should also add that this is a D/s relationship.

When she made the comment about this being just sex, I flipped out. It was a red flag. I brought it to his attention. I'm sure that it opened a dialog between them. Since then, they've had several conversations about him being out poly. I don't think she's come to terms with the idea of another girlfriend.

Quote:
Did she need to be eased into an arrangement like this?
He recently wanted to tell one of his co-workers who is a close friend of his. His work circle does not really overlap with her circle. Her argument for not coming out was about her circle. He pointed out that this would not be an issue. He ended up telling his friend. I thought that was a step in the right direction.

Quote:
Do you and the chap utilise Skype, FaceTime, Oovoo, or any video chatting interface? I know it is not the same as being right next to someone, but at least you would be able to see him while you are away. People have Skype dates and iSex (instead of iChat) and all of that jazz. If not, why not? Can he not get some time alone to chat with you, ask how your day is going, and just see your face? I would hope she would not want to control that.
I'm good with our communication during the week. We have a lot of one on one conversations. He has a morning and afternoon commute and he's usually on the phone with me during those times. Come to think of it, in the past few weeks, that schedule was erratic as well. I changed my work schedule. So it's been touch and go.

Quote:
I cannot think of a single person who has something to do every weekend. Even still, perhaps she can attend those things with other relatives or close friends. There is no rule that he says he must attend every single planned thing with her. That is inconsiderate to you, to him, and to your relationship. He might want to do something else, and if he does, perhaps he should be vocal and let her know.
Sigh:-) This is what a normal person would think. He has given up some family time with her family to spend time with me. After the event, she comes over and says, "Oh, everyone was asking about you." As if to say that he should have been there.

If it only happened once or twice, I wouldn't mention it, but it's a regular occurrence. She says it about outings with her friends also.

I continue to mention to him that this is the first time he's actually had another relationship in the same area with another person. He insists that it's not the first time that he's been in multiple relationships. However, this is different. Before they were in an LDR and when she came to town, the other woman stepped aside.

Writing about this is infuriating!
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  #17  
Old 05-22-2013, 10:12 PM
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Yes, I can see how it must be infuriating!!

I think you need to clearly state (NOT request) what you want and don't want in the relationship. If I were you, the first thing would be that he comes over alone to spend time with you, and that she should not assume that she's invited as well. If he can't do that simple fucking thing, then basically she's got him wrapped around her finger, and I would end it. My personal space being disrespected and taken for granted, I could not stomach. I need to feel fully respected and valued in my relationships.

Yeah, make a list and develop your personal boundaries. You've only been with him a short time, so letting it go now won't hurt as much. You don't want to still be stuck in this shit a year from now.
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  #18  
Old 05-22-2013, 10:37 PM
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Originally Posted by crisplove View Post
I should also add that this is a D/s relationship.
When you say D/s, that means dom/sub, right?

If so, that is an entirely different conversation...
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  #19  
Old 05-22-2013, 11:47 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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Yes Marcus, it is Dom/sub. I am doing both for the fist time. I'm an over achiever:-)

I really wanted D/s, but the poly part was a whole new concept. So really I voluntarily gave control and power to him. My challenge is that I want to turn the power over. However, I need to be able to feel heard when I say that I want one on one time.

Where is the D/s poly space for mono subs? (Lol)

Also, before this goes to far, I want to clear up any perception that my metamours is at my house unwelcome. She's welcome. I just want my time too.
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  #20  
Old 05-26-2013, 02:58 AM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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He spent the night last night. The whole night, and the morning. It was blissful.

In other news, I am seriously taking a look at what I want in my relationship(s). Thank you Marcus.

I'm reading The Ethical Slut. I've known about poly for a few years now. I read about it a few years back on a blog. I've always loved my "hut theory" (people living in close proximity, relating to each other, but maintaining independent households). However, I thought that my lover would have many lovers. I never considered that I would also.

In general though, my life is pretty busy at the moment. I travel for work. I'm starting a business. And, I have my current relationship. My plate is full. However, I am sincerely considering the possibility of poly for me. It's more the idea that I want so many things. I don't think that I can get them all in one person. (Or maybe I can.) Who knows?

Being in a poly group and enjoying the aspects of community that it provides, I am considering what would happen if I had multiple lovers. Hmmm....:-)
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