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  #31  
Old 05-21-2013, 07:28 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I knew that the Happy-ish Stable-ish, Uneventful Poly was going to come to an end at some point, although I didn't expect it to be in the way it did. I figure I'll make this post so I can feel honest with a follow up post about the good things going on.

It's been a stressful month for me, all three of my partners have been having relationship issues, luckily the only one having problems with me is Adam. He lied to me about something, and after some conversation it came out he'd done a lot of things he hadn't disclosed over the last decade. Ironically 95% of the stuff was perfectly fine to do, it's just he's always maintained that it was behavior he would share with me and wanted me to do the same. Most everything the first 8 years had to do with exes - kissing, conversations about dating again or wandering down memory lane (some of them while we were monogamous - still OK if it'd been mentioned, one situation where it wasn't OK for a variety of reasons). Now I don't GET memory lane, cause usually when people break up there's a good reason for it, but I understand other people do. I'm not thrilled about his giving ex-girlfriends a special exception from our agreements about disclosure, but I understand it.

A combination of his seeing the counselor, and probably me dating Greg (though he says its not the case) and his chafing at his self imposed not dating until he figured some stuff out at the counselor accelerated some sneaky behavior/actions and he actually flat out lied to me last month, volunteered unsolicited that he wasn't interested in somebody then soon after telling her "if only x y and z" he would've been flirting up a storm with her. I'd been feeling for a week before it happened that something was off, he said we were fine but I listened to my gut when it was still saying something was wrong and didn't let it drop.

I'm not totally surprised at this stuff, although pretty disappointed. There are a lot of parallels between his behavior and my ex-husband, and I've always thought they had a lot of similar characteristics. What does surprise me is that he was there when we broke up, and saw how much the behaviors hurt me when they came to light, which makes this hurt more now. I do have to say too, that with how his behavior had been ramping up over the last six months, that I wouldn't have been surprised if things had escalated into some form of physical cheating in a year or two. Nevertheless it didn't, and I am trying to deal with what is, although my mind has trouble not "feeling" like I've been cheated on. Being kept in the dark about some things for a decade is shitty enough but I'm trying hard to see it for what it is, not attaching the baggage of past relationships onto it too.

With all that said, I think Adam has had a cold bucket of water splashed in his face. He volunteered all the things he'd ever done that broke our agreements that he could think of (ouch) and seems to be making efforts to fix his shit. I can't say I'm not sad and there will be years of me wondering "Is he off doing something shitty this very moment?" at random intervals, ruining perfectly good days if I let it. We have couples counseling tonight, the first once since this came out, though we've both seen her individually in the interim. I don't really know what to talk about, so I figure I'll let him or her direct things.

Other than that, I want poly to be more happy things to share too, not just more sad things. It seems like days since there's been an all happy day. There's a divorce and relationship transitions happening elsewhere, as well as an upcoming layoff. The two other ladies Greg has been dating for the last couple months are probably the only real relationship high point anybody is having, and even though he's really happy about them and their awesomeness, it doesn't keep his sad times from being sad. Adam loves his new job but its counterbalanced by commutes of up to 90 minutes each way so less time and energy to deal with us. I'm also understandably doubting if I can trust my choices in partners in general and that is affecting things with both Brian and Greg, for different reasons. I'm keeping my fingers crossed the scales will start tipping further into the joy direction soon.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 05-22-2013 at 04:38 AM.
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  #32  
Old 05-22-2013, 05:20 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I was thinking of you the other day and realized I was missing your updates. Glad to hear from you.

in the 4 years I've been doing poly, which isn't very long, one thing I've learned it's never uneventful for a long stretch of time. But I'm sorry to hear about the troubles you've been having.

rebuilding trust after trust is broken is soooo hard.

And I can so very much relate to this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Other than that, I want poly to be more happy things to share too, not just more sad things. It seems like days since there's been an all happy day. (...) I'm keeping my fingers crossed the scales will start tipping further into the joy direction soon.
In fact I wrote almost the exact same thing on my blog earlier this week. Wishing you all the best in rediscovering the joy.
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  #33  
Old 05-22-2013, 08:01 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Thanks Cleo, I've been glad that you seem to be coming out of some transitions yourself, I'm trying to take lessons from you and a couple other people on the forum

Now that I've admitted the less then awesome stuff going on, I can make a more positive follow up post.

About a month ago, Greg had said he'd love to meet my ex husband (as ex and I still see each other most weeks and he's an important part of my life -said ex lives somewhat close but it's not really convenient to visit) We've only been together about 4 months so I was wondering if it was too soon, but Adam and I spent a few nights in Vegas about the same time in our relationship, so I tried not to feel weird bringing it up.

Adam and I had also been trying to plan a night away, and he encouraged me to book a 3 night deal I found right by where my ex lives, he'd stay the first night, and Greg could come the next afternoon which has been a regular date day/night so far. I figured I'd stay the last night by myself, but Adam suggested I invite Brian for the third night - I felt even weirder about that since in over two years we haven't spent a night anywhere other than his place or mine, and as he and his girlfriend spend nights at local-ish places sometimes, figured since he'd never brought it up wouldn't be interested, but I let him know what was up and he said he'd be glad to do it.

Also, omg you slutty girl you!

After the unsettling stuff between Adam and I last month, for awhile I wasn't sure about how this was going to pan out, but the last couple of weeks were OK and I wasn't feeling troubled about it. We got into town to the suite - I'd thought it was just attached to a venue where they have weddings and such, but no, it was attached to the house of the owner. That's fine in and of itself but their living room window overlooked the parking slab for the place. It's the only place anywhere close to park too...

So the owner came out and introduced herself to Adam and I. We spent the day wandering around the beach, exploring some quirky stores and whatnot. We had a bit of RELATIONSHIP talk after dinner, didn't get into anything too deep, was just trying to understand some of how he's gotten to where he has since I'm still doing some processing. We stayed up really late watching horrible movies and slept soundly.

The next day - Greg arrives, and we go to take off to meet my ex, owner's husband comes out, asks if we've been enjoying the place so far *gulp* while I nervously cross my fingers his wife won't wander outside and do a double take. We have a nice visit with the ex and his fiancÚ on the relaxing porch of the beach house they're renting, and later in the evening Greg makes dinner for us, which was lovely (ok the dishes the next day wasn't a joy, but oh well

The third afternoon Brian arrived and he was sweet enough to ask how my body was holding out *blush* We managed to avoid the owners but not their son... we drove around the island, had some nice meals and watched some British comedy together. We spent a chunk of Monday together back in the city too, and managed over 24 hours in each others company.

So all in all a wonderful weekend. If my mind hadn't been so preoccupied with worrying what the owner of the place thought of the rotating car issue, I think it might be about perfect. I loved having three partners who didn't seem to have any problem with it, and it was nice to appreciate spending a solid stretch of time with each of them in succession, and to confirm that they are all quite skillful at cuddling, and nice to wake up next to.
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  #34  
Old 05-22-2013, 09:31 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Haha, it sounds like an episode of Frasier -- men coming and going, only one of the owners and their family seeing you at any given time...

The day after you leave, all three of them sitting down to breakfast and the woman says, "Oh, wasn't our guest Anneintherain nice? And when I saw her husband get out of that pretty blue car, he reminded me of so-and-so --" The man says, "What? With that red hair? He didn't remind me of so-and-so at all! And the car was green!" The woman says, "Red hair? Are you nuts? He had brown hair and a beard. And I could swear the car was blue." He says, "A beard! Gee, next you'll be saying he was 6'4"!!!" The woman says, "Well, he was rather tall." Then the son pipes up, "What are you two talking about? The guy was short, blonde, had no beard, wore wire-rimmed glasses, and drove up on a Harley!" They look at him and exclaim in unison, "Glasses!!??" Confusion reigns!!!

Poly can be perfect sitcom material!
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-22-2013 at 09:38 PM.
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  #35  
Old 05-22-2013, 09:32 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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That sounds like the very best weekend ever. It's one of my fantasies to stay in a beautiful cottage somewhere for a month and have all my loved ones visit me, including dinners with my best friends, sexy times with lovers, etc.

I laughed at your description of worrying about the owners. I once stayed in a little B&B with Curlz, very friendly owners. Not long after that Ren went there with Lou because it was so nice and cheap. We had a good chuckle beforehand that when they would ask him 'how did you hear about us?' he would say: 'oh, my wife was here last month with her boyfriend, and had a really nice stay'

well he didn't say that of course, but it was fun to think about.
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  #36  
Old 05-24-2013, 09:48 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Quote:
So all in all a wonderful weekend.
Hey Hef ....did you get yourself a silk robe ?


Quote:
If my mind hadn't been so preoccupied with worrying what the owner of the place thought of the rotating car issue, I think it might be about perfect.
That's not what you told me. I thought you said something about wanting to be removed by the paramedic's for complete pleasure and extreme exhaustion ...and not being able to walk "Blanked silly "...something something "with in an inch of your life" ..."rode hard and put away wet" or something like that

Quote:
I loved having three partners who didn't seem to have any problem with it, and it was nice to appreciate spending a solid stretch of time with each of them in succession, and to confirm that they are all quite skillful at cuddling, and nice to wake up next to.
cuddling skills ....Hef are you sure you didn't get a concussion over the weekend cuddling is a C game activity. A B&B weekend requires A game stuff ....am I right ?


This is very very inspiring ......I want to get 3 partners just to do this.

Hey Hef, (Lady Hef ) or Lef.... What do you think about doing this quarterly? ...That seems perfect to me. That's going to be my new goal.
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  #37  
Old 05-25-2013, 12:56 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Sheesh DH, no I said I thought I must be doing something wrong because I COULD still walk. And I didn't need to get a silk robe, I made my own robe of course. No please don't call me Homemade Hef now.

One thing it taught me is that I'd enjoy trying two nights away with my non cohabitating partners (no not both at once - I mean not that two at once isn't on my list of omgplzhappensomedaybeforeimtoowrinkly)- a weekend away has been talked about with Greg but I doubt it would come up with Brian unless he brought it up. And this might've been fun but the turnover made things feel a bit rushed. Also all the extra bedding I had to cart around for the occasion *shudder*

On to serious stuff - Adam and I still have processing to do I guess, I suppose I shouldn't expect one month to have sorted it all out. He mentioned a game convention that is going on in a few months. Two women he told me he wasn't interested in, but then told he was interested in, will probably both be there, and a small chance of the third lady who he hoped something would happen with will be there too. I said I'd want to ask about what to expect there in regards to his interactions with them. I hoped he'd be sensitive to my stress about him seeing people he'd lied to me about, but he just said he wouldn't go out with them one on one but of course he wasn't going to miss group events or after hours parties if they happened to be going.

Work trips are a trigger for me, my Dad slept with what I'm pretty sure was hundreds of women on his work trips. My first husband cheated on me on a yearly work related trip and had been making plans for the next years event and seeing her again when he told me he had cheated. Adam met one of these women here but has interacted with both of them at conventions (as well as third party he was hoping something would happen with) and seems to romanticize the whole "im on a trip, this person is attractive, I want something to happen though of course nothing would happen". This upcoming convention happens to be local, but with all the information about his sneaky stuff so fresh, I'm feeling a bit raw. He says "I'm not even thinking like that" but since I didn't have any idea he was for almost a decade, its not so reassuring. None of these ladies did anything wrong, and I don't mind him seeing them, but I'm unhappy at his surprise that its a touchy subject, and I wish he was a bit more sensitive to how I might feel about it.

This seems so vague without a couple details since I left my longer spiel about it all out, but two of them are monogamous, no dating people without non-monogamy experience (or at least a clear handle on how it would work for them) is other hard agreement we have besides safe sex stuff, the other is poly but lives on the other side of the country and its not financially feasible to have long distance relationships At least now he's been able to explain why he pursued them after agreeing that he had no plans to, I am actually feeling somewhat better about things as he's been dropping the defensive and actually articulating what was going on in his head for several hard questions, thank God.
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  #38  
Old 05-31-2013, 09:39 PM
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Well this week could be going better - I was having a nice date with Brian when he found out his other partner's parent had died, so we finished dinner and he went to go support them. next day I was getting ready to go see Greg when he got news that one of his partners was headed to the ER, luckily it didn't end up being a worst case scenario but it was a very stressful evening. I'm a bit scared to go out with Adam tonight -that whole bad news comes in three thing. I'd really love it if I weren't a bit superstitious, but I've certainly seen bad news come in three often enough. It doesn't help that I've never felt like I'm good at comforting people - I can listen and be there, but I don't think I'm good at saying things to make people feel reassured, or hopeful - so my stress levels rise the longer that I'm sitting there feeling impotent at making things better. I should probably get a book on it.

Things with Greg are going well, I love him, he's awesome, but the amount of stress that has been going on in his life since we started dating 4 months ago is phenomenal, and he's a emotional projector (as am I), and I'm overflowing with sensitive empathy, and it's just not the best combination. It makes it hard to deal with new stress situations when they come up since I am neck deep as it is. I don't want to even think about what would've happened if his partner hadn't been OK, I'm not sure how well equipped I would've been to deal with it. Life is asking more of this new relationship than I expected, but I am trying to rise to the challenge.

ok, enough downsides

I've always wanted my partners to be friends with Adam if possible, and Adam and Greg are having lunch every week or two. It's interesting them having an independent relationship, finding out by a casual "Greg and I are having lunch tomorrow". I always pictured these husband/partner relationships would be killing zombies and talking about inconsequential man shit (unless I was dating a girl which might mean talking about gender neutral stuff and/or getting naked), but nope, they both have heavy shit going on in their relationships, and actually talk about it sometimes. I don't think they are going to become BFF but this is enough to make me happy, and I sure wish to have that sort of relationship with my metamours.

I'm excited about this but the one downside is that means I shouldn't really talk to Adam about issues I'm having with Greg, or Greg with issues I'm having with Adam. I'm such a talker that it's going to be hard, but it wouldn't be fair to put them in the middle. They both have a pretty good idea about all the serious problems we are all going through so at least I don't feel I have to keep much to myself, but it's going to be a new skill to learn.

The three of us are going to go bowling together tomorrow too, if that goes OK, maybe I'll suggest Greg invite one of his other partners and/their partners...Adam loves bowling and being social so I'm trying hard to step out of my introverted shell and make social opportunities possible, but while my stress levels are high I'm preferring very small group events over larger ones.

It's very nice to watch Adam change for the better too. Working hard to suppress any desire for him to HURRY UP so he will start dating again so I don't feel like it's imbalanced. Right now his weekly hobbies disappeared with his job change, so with me going from one date a week to three, it means he's spending a lot more time by himself which he's never really loved. Ironically now that he's opened up about the things he was keeping from me, his perspective has shifted so he no longer feels its imbalanced and is focusing on the fact he's not able to be a great partner to others until he's one for himself. Things are looking promising if they keep up this way, and I'm glad because none of the problems we had came from him DATING.

Brian is still super awesome too, I'm sure there might be some upcoming stress due to our different communication styles when he's taking a more active roll in seeking new partners which is rolling around here soon, but at least after two years I know what a loving kind wonderful person he is, and should be able to roll with things and not assume negative intent to his actions.

Yeah this post was all over the place, kinda reflecting the state of my mind
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  #39  
Old 06-10-2013, 07:37 AM
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Bowling went well and I wasn't too nervous - I keep forgetting that that Adam and Greg have been hanging out a bit independently of me, and that was odd, since they don't sit around and tell me what they chat about - that means I don't have to play "hostess" so much. It's been getting close to a decade since I've been in a three person social situation as the hinge of a V that didn't just involve a hello and goodbye hug & kiss. It was more than nice, I got to snuggle a bit against both of them while I waited for my turn, get hugs, smooches (God did I just say smooches? gag) and lovely smiles from both of them. I appreciate this so much as it helps set a positive precedent for me being in the position of a leg instead of a hinge at social events, something which I'm a bit rusty at, but I think I'll want to be refining that skill when it comes to Greg's other partners. I'm an outsider in a lot of ways when it comes to him and his partners, I might write about that at some point but I'm not in any hurry to ....

Greg stayed the night, and it was fun (and even a bit annoying) to watch them exchange geeky debating about Star Trek while we got our dinner plated. A bit of our date was derailed as I got emotional and had to work through some worries about us that stemmed from trust issues with Adam, and my ex, and my Dad.... seriously not my idea of being a good date, but it was nice to be held and have my hair stroked and be loved while I cried. Odd to have that comfort level with somebody after just several months.

I spent some time last week with my sister and while I was updating about my relationships she said she didn't understand poly but accepted me for it. That was probably a chance to ask her more about that but I didn't, since I just thought she "got it". She's known I was poly for a decade so I didn't have any clarifying questions ready in my head. That's good because I bet I would've tried to grill her on what it is she doesn't understand it and try to explain it until I thought she did "get it" That'd annoy the fuck outta her

Even I am having trouble wrapping my mind around Adam's comfort with the new dynamic. This is where it really shows that Adam has 25 years of poly experience - although we have work to do on communication (which I do believe will much easier once he figures out what he wants and how to negotiate and advocate for his wants instead of just agreeing to my "reasonable" suggestions) he seems totally OK with the big recent changes in my availability and the increased amount of time Greg is spending in our shared space. I got to revisit the fact that he's had live in partners in the past who also had three partners, and had to schedule like crazy to make time for everybody. I'd just really not been sure it was really OK since 1 date a week to 3 seems like a giant leap, but I think I've been reassured enough that I'm stupid if I don't just accept it.

I'm working on checking in and making sure I'm giving Adam what he needs in time and love and attention - he's asking for what he needs and wants time wise which is a BIG FUCKING DEAL for him, he's always just said everything I want is "fine" so it's a relief for him to identify something he wants and ask for it.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 06-10-2013 at 06:27 PM.
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  #40  
Old 06-19-2013, 05:54 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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The count down has begun .
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