Redpepper's journey

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Monkeystyle shares a lot of wisdom here, RP.

As some others of us have said to you before, I think your biggest issue regarding all these developments with Mono's process in branching out to poly is the loss of control you thought you had. You were at the center, the desired one with all these relationships, basically the woman at the helm. You were even Mono's domme for a time (don't know if that has changed - you haven't written about that for a long while). But now everyone in your sphere is changing, wants more, has developed attractions for other people (even Derby and PolyNerdist!), and what has become evident is that you're simply not in charge anymore. Even the man who claimed he could never be anything but monogamous (which you always said you could not understand) is embracing poly, and essentially, as I have written before, your long-held dream of a poly family/tribe is actually coming true. Frankly, I would think you would be excited and definitely more supportive of him wanting to be poly.

Of course, Mono could have been more vocal about what was goin g on with him, but to call him a cheater seems rather harsh when he was simply developing a friendship with a woman while you were developing a romance with another man. He tried to control his feelings for that woman but could not. How many times have we all said, feelings develop on their own. But you are making Mono out to be some terrible villain who has betrayed you, though he has stayed by your side and tried to get you to see that he is his own man just as much as you are your own woman.

Yes, it is perfectly understandable that you are grieving the way things were. But I think your grief is very closely tied in to your self-esteem, and that it is your sense of self-esteem that is what you need to work on. Because it seems (from the outside, anyway) that yours was very connected to being the one that everyone focuses their love and attention on. And craving that kind of attention speaks to an underlying belief that one does not really deserve it. Now you are sharing that spot, and your loves have other people they love and are dividing their focus - it's not all about you anymore, but it isn't not about you either! So, how can you still be confident in your self-worth as you share your position with others, and not let it shake you so much that the people who were so devoted to you are also devoting themselves to others? That is what I see will be crucial for you to confront and resolve within yourself. But you might lose everything if you continue on the track you've been.

Cleo wrote something in her blog regarding some changes with one of her relationships (he is now seeing an additional partner, too), and I think it is very relevant for you:



There is such a thing as over-processing what we are going through, to the point where we stay stuck and start blaming others, and don't make any progress. At some point, what it takes is just a deliberate "no" to self-pity, a letting go of the need to be in control, and a concerted effort to make a shift in one's perspective.

I'm rooting for you!

Thanks for the quote by Cleo. Its very moving and contains moments I have had.

Its true. I have no control. Its not like I don't know that. This is bigger than Mono and what he is doing. I seem to be going through a huge shift in who I believe myself to be. I have lost control on all levels. Of myself. I feel as if I have fallen from a plane and don't know where I will land. Its been four years of my reality. Yes. The change has made me feel I've lost control as in the carpet ripped out from under me but not controlling.

I know what you are saying about Mono. I agree. Its just been to early to see it all fully and in time I will. I suspect. Right now, I grieve, I'm get through that and move forward with a new reality. Its coming.

I have been making my mantra be to let go and find my own feet. My feelings of worthiness and belonging have been shattered but I am finding them inside myself. My concern is that I am drifting away from what I know and love due to the change in me and everyone. I guess its a matter of seeing where we end up and hanging on to the moments I feel connected to the family we've created.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

I think this was a very important tid-bit.
As someone who had an emotional affair over many years, I do understand how destructive that can be to trust-it nearly destroyed my marriage.

HOWEVER-
it is also true,
that with your help and Mono's-
Maca and I realized that we also needed to stop trying to process and understand everything.
He will never understand exactly why I did what I did (neither do I).
I will never understand exactly how hurtful it was for him or what I could have done different in those moments (I could make different choices now-but I didn't have the info then that I have now).
So continuing to try to hash it out in our heads (and together) was only creating more angst.

What actually started changing things-was when we both said "fuck it".
Seriously.

We both got to a point where we said "it is what it is and we can't change that-so what can we do to make it the best it is as it is now?"

That meant just dropping the pile of shit that we had created in the compost pile and moving on. It's a technical and very useful detail-we didn't take it to the dump. We dropped it in the compost pile. It doesn't immediately go away-but who stands around watching a compost pile compost?
You go out every few days and stir it, then leave it to do its work. Eventually with TIME it alters the waste you put in, into something that is no longer waste.

I empathize SO MUCH with your hurt RP. Maca repeating my behavior and choosing to be sneaky with the 24 year old was very destructive.

But here's the crux-if I sit with that pain for too long, it's destructiveness increases exponentially.
If on the other hand I put it in the compost pile and leave it; then it's power diminishes. Not immediately, not quickly, but it does diminish.


You enjoyed a peaceful rest with the family for the boys bday-that's awesome!
So, for your own self, make a mental note each day (and maybe write it to) of what went right.


You mentioned, the letters along your run-they were deeply meaningful to you. You are afraid to take that route-for fear that they won't be there.

And that thought KEEPS REPEATING IN MY HEAD. For weeks now. I go to bed and contemplate that.
Because, it seems such an easy fix. I ALMOST messaged Mono and told him he should just go put a note there and be sure there is one there for whenever you can get the nerve up to go look. But-I did not.
Because this is your and his relationship.

BUT-you can do this RP. Look at this man you love in the eyes.
Tell him, with honesty and sincerity, that you love him, that you are struggling, but you are struggling to get through that pain. That one of the most meaningful things he did for you was leave those notes along your route. Because, they reassure you, they comfort you, they give you a physical reminder of his love even when he is absent AND they simultaneously promote you doing something healthy and productive for yourself.
Then ask him-will you start leaving notes there for me again this week, if I commit to resuming my runs/walks along that route?

That will give you a time/space to cry, to laugh, to think or to not think. It will help you to stay physically active, which helps with depression and anxiety (and sleep). It will help you to do something on your own instead of moping about being on your own. It will also help give you two something to bond over again-something small and simple that you are both already accustomed to-that isn't going to take away from his ability or yours to grow and change and improve through this trauma.

Schedule a time to take LB and the other kiddos-and go to the park with Derby. She's a good walker/talker.

You can do this RP. I have full faith in you.
No idea what the outcome with look like.
But-you can find your happy, secure, confident self.

You are a wise woman LR anf I am grateful you understand my journey in the way you do.

I have been walking, talking, moving through the feelings and telling Mono every step of the way. We are making plans as a family and together and that has helped. That was Mono's plan and he was right. It has.

He's left me two notes. I went and got them. Both expressing love and a future together and that I should hold on. I am and I will.

The compost is piled high. Must be spring. It will make some beautiful soil in time.

[redpepper]

I've spent time with both Derby, Brad and several other people these last weeks. The strength of friendship is building again I think and plans for the summer beginning to be made. Its been quite a spring. I'm looking forward to new beginnings and stretching my circle of friends and spending time with chosen family. First good morning in a long time. And I still missed sleep (Mono coughing all night with a cold this time).

[LovingRadiance]

You are a wise woman LR anf I am grateful you understand my journey in the way you do.

I learned a great deal from you and yours my friend. Give yourself some credit there! If it weren't for you, many of these lessons would never have been learned in our family.

I have been walking, talking, moving through the feelings and telling Mono every step of the way. We are making plans as a family and together and that has helped. That was Mono's plan and he was right. It has.

Good job.

He's left me two notes. I went and got them. Both expressing love and a future together and that I should hold on. I am and I will.

This made me cry. I know it's silly-but seriously-I KEPT thinking about you needing to go for a walk/jog whatever and re-connect with that. I think those posts about your runs were about the same time I joined this board. They touched me so deeply.
I am proud of you for pushing through the hard stuff RP. You ARE an amazing woman.

The compost is piled high. Must be spring. It will make some beautiful soil in time.

Yes it will.

Originally Posted by redpepper

I've spent time with both Derby, Brad and several other people these last weeks. The strength of friendship is building again I think and plans for the summer beginning to be made. Its been quite a spring. I'm looking forward to new beginnings and stretching my circle of friends and spending time with chosen family. First good morning in a long time. And I still missed sleep (Mono coughing all night with a cold this time).

YAY for new beginnings. Sorry that Mono was coughing all night. Maca snores. LOL. Some nights I just have to go to the couch cause I just can't handle it.
HUGS!

[redpepper]

My life is quiet these days. Lots of time to think and gather myself. I am enjoying riding on the back of Mono's bike and planning trips and seeing who comes out of the wood work when I am more available. My walks to through the forest are invaluable as are small moments of remembering what its like to jist be responsible for me. Still not at a place where I don't think about everyone else first. Its an art form I am just remembering again.

[AnnabelMore]

Really glad to hear that things seem to be calmer and happier for you lately. I'm sure there are still rough patches, but, yeah, it's just great to see you seem to be slowly emerging from the worst of it.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Really glad to hear that things seem to be calmer and happier for you lately. I'm sure there are still rough patches, but, yeah, it's just great to see you seem to be slowly emerging from the worst of it.

thanks. I hope that's what I'm doing. There isn't a lot of talking going on. Well. None. I fear bringing anything up actually. I guess I need a break from processing it all. I don't know what anyone is doing and feeling and trying to be okay with that. Feeling very unatural to me.

[LovingRadiance]

Processing breaks! OMG! I so totally understand that too!
Sometimes it's like JUST DROP IT I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE!

I saw the bike pic. SOOOO Very awesome! I am so glad you have that opportunity!
I miss having our bike. I LOVED riding with Maca. Someday again.

[redpepper]

I'm learning to be seperate and in my body. Its coming. I had sex and did it only for me. No connection to my partner. It was strange. Empowering and sad at the same time. Practice I guess will help.

[redpepper]

I don't get how to do poly wih this state of mind. It seems pointless and almost laughable. Maybe I will get it eventually. I feel nothing. No love for anyone, nor much care either. I'm completely on my own as far as I can tell. I wonder if anyone notices from the outside. I feel as if I am paying lip service to my relationships with everyone. Part of rebuilding maybe?

Good stuff; the park I walk in daily, the mountains, the ocean, my boy, sweet moments where I feel loved regardless, new friends who think I'm awesome, new attraction from a man I met on okcupid thats monogamous and fills me with hope, rides on the back of Mono's bike making me want my own, my bed, my boy and my daily routine.