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  #31  
Old 05-21-2013, 11:11 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
I love my boyfriend very much and I want him to continue to be a part of my life but it feels like our relationship will never grow into more, yet he and I both want it to. And that's a hard thing to swallow...
If both you and him really want things to be different, why can't they be different? From what you describe though it seems like you are the only one who wants things to change. Your situation sounds like something I would not put up with for a week, let alone years...

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Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
The needs and wants of the secondaries are often just not considered as important. The primaries don't need to check with the secondaries about anything (...)
well, in my poly life things are very different. I tell my husband where I'm going and with whom, I don't ask him. I can go on vacation by myself, with a friend or a lover. We don't forbid or allow each other anything. The only time he asked me to spend a little less time with my BF was when husband was hurting over his cheating GF.
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  #32  
Old 05-21-2013, 11:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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My bf has two primaries of his own that he lives with, though with the one, he shares more of the romantic side of things. The boyfriend and I have two pre-determined nights a week where we're allowed to see each other for maybe 3-4 hours each. Some of that time is spend alone but most of it IS NOT. There often is one or more mates in the same room as us sharing watching a show or whatever.
What prevents either of you from saying, "Hey guys, we'd like some privacy!" ???

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We get *maybe* 2 hours alone and only when we seclude ourselves to the bedroom. Even that time used to get interrupted until I had a bit of a fit about the lack of courtesy and knocking on doors.
Um, can't you get up and go out? Can't you meet up anywhere else?

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If we ever want to sneak in something not on the regular schedule we always must ask our primaries permission, making sure they're ok with it and that there's no hurt feelings or scheduling issue. I'm SO tired of feeling like they're the ones who get to decide when I can see my boyfriend I could scream.
The key is to stop "sneaking around" and going to your primaries as beggars. You are adults, why would you ask permission? State clearly what you want to do.

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Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
We have NEVER had a sleepover, nor a vacation (or even a weekend getaway) together and we've been together for over 2.5 years.
If you really wanted all that, you would've made it hapen, dontcha think?


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My husband can get a bit jealous even now sometimes and I find that my bf's wife can be a bit invasive on occasion.
So what? His jealousy stops you in your tracks? Why isn't he managing his own feelings?

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Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
She doesn't mean anything by it but she really likes me and often wants to be a part of what we do. Since I don't get much alone time with him as is, I find this extremely hard to deal with.
I really don't get why you cannot say to her, "I'd love to hang out with you another day, but right now BF and I need some quality time alone."

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Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
I love my boyfriend very much and I want him to continue to be a part of my life but it feels like our relationship will never grow into more, yet he and I both want it to. And that's a hard thing to swallow...
So, take a stance! If both of you want things to change, then change them.

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Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
The needs and wants of the secondaries are often just not considered as important. The primaries don't need to check with the secondaries about anything but as secondaries, we can't go catch a freaking movie without clearing it with 3 people and possibly ending up having to take some of them along because they'd LOVE to go too.
AGAIN, why are you not speaking up and saying, "We're going to see a movie on such-and-such night. Catch up with you another time..." ??? Or why say anything about what you'll be doing at all? You have specific, designated nights to see each other - they know you will be together on those nights, why do they need to know what you're doing and where you're going? Just go out and do what you want!


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I wish that the considerations flowed both ways. My boyfriend means as much to me as my husband and I'm sure I do to him as well. But the reality is that we have to make do with what's left after our live-in mates and families are all happy and taken care of and we're supposed to be THANKFUL that we're allowed to even see each other. Geez, thanks, I guess..
Don't you see that it is that way because you've accepted it? Time to stand up for yourself, methinks.
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  #33  
Old 05-21-2013, 03:48 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
Even without meaning to, primaries are often controlling of the secondaries relationship. I have both a primary (husband) and a boyfriend. My bf has two primaries of his own that he lives with, though with the one, he shares more of the romantic side of things. The boyfriend and I have two pre-determined nights a week where we're allowed to see each other for maybe 3-4 hours each. Some of that time is spend alone but most of it IS NOT. There often is one or more mates in the same room as us sharing watching a show or whatever.
What is with being "allowed" to see each other. I see my boyfriend when I can around his work schedule. My boyfriends needs DO NOT come below my husbands. They get equal consideration. On the nights Murf comes here and spends the night Butch will respect our time and give us our privacy.

Quote:
We get *maybe* 2 hours alone and only when we seclude ourselves to the bedroom. Even that time used to get interrupted until I had a bit of a fit about the lack of courtesy and knocking on doors. If we ever want to sneak in something not on the regular schedule we always must ask our primaries permission, making sure they're ok with it and that there's no hurt feelings or scheduling issue. I'm SO tired of feeling like they're the ones who get to decide when I can see my boyfriend I could scream.
Your boyfriend needs to say something and so should you. Politely but firmly. They need to come to grips with their feelings it is not your job to ensure their emotional security.

Quote:
We have NEVER had a sleepover, nor a vacation (or even a weekend getaway) together and we've been together for over 2.5 years. My husband can get a bit jealous even now sometimes and I find that my bf's wife can be a bit invasive on occasion. She doesn't mean anything by it but she really likes me and often wants to be a part of what we do. Since I don't get much alone time with him as is, I find this extremely hard to deal with. I love my boyfriend very much and I want him to continue to be a part of my life but it feels like our relationship will never grow into more, yet he and I both want it to. And that's a hard thing to swallow...
Again you need to put your foot down. If you want it ask for it. If your boyfriend is unwilling to fight for you then maybe it is time to decide if you can handle this situation forever. My relationships are separate but equal. It is doable. I do not allow either my husband or boyfriend to pull rank.

Quote:
The needs and wants of the secondaries are often just not considered as important. The primaries don't need to check with the secondaries about anything but as secondaries, we can't go catch a freaking movie without clearing it with 3 people and possibly ending up having to take some of them along because they'd LOVE to go too. I wish that the considerations flowed both ways. My boyfriend means as much to me as my husband and I'm sure I do to him as well. But the reality is that we have to make do with what's left after our live-in mates and families are all happy and taken care of and we're supposed to be THANKFUL that we're allowed to even see each other. Geez, thanks, I guess..
You get treated only as badly as you allow others to treat you. If you do not want them to go SAY NO.
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  #34  
Old 05-22-2013, 10:54 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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Some very tough love in here, some really good advice. Will be thinking on this a while... Thanks to all who offered their thoughts.
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