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  #401  
Old 05-20-2013, 06:50 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I have been in a crotchety mood all day. I am usually really happy, but today has not been my day. I have no idea if the rise in my hormones is to blame, or if I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, need to take a nap, and try it again.

My husband just returned home, and he was trying to cheer me up. He knew something was off when I told him I would not be at the airport to meet his flight. I was off and still did not go. I was happy to see him. I needed a hug, and his timing was immaculate. Sometimes a simple, "I know," and a hug is all I need. I told him about my day, and he offered to take our children out for a couple of hours to give me some space. I am very happy he was not trying to force me to talk to him. I know he is there and will listen and let me cry in his arms, if I get to that point.

I am working on dinner. Nothing special. My co-worker gave me a recipe for chicken lasagne, and luckily we had everything required in the pantry and freezer. It only takes an hour or so to make, and it is baking now.

I am grateful for this time alone. I am feeling a bit better. Monday's are more chaotic than every other day of the week. I am going to do some yoga while they are out and try to come back down to a normal level. I am going to channel my energy by meditating, too. We have things to discuss when they get home, and I dislike the idea of putting it off until later. We have been apart for four and a half days, and a few things have happened that need to be talked about in greater detail.
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Old 05-21-2013, 11:39 PM
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Hope things go okay with your pending discussion. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and I can tell you're feeling out of sorts, just from the variation in your writings. Hope you get feeling better again soon.
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Old 05-22-2013, 01:19 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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First, I want to send out prayers to those who live in Oklahoma. What a devastating storm and so many lives were lost. My prayers and thoughts are with each and every family. I was watching CNN, and it was truly heartbreaking. The local papers have been posting articles, and it is one heartbreaking thing after another. As a mum, it bothers me even more when young lives are lost. It is terribly sad, and it is in my thoughts.
_________________________________

Happier news. My best friend, Brit, came in to town last night, and I have never been so happy to see her. Matt was okay with her staying the night. She is off to Bournemouth for the next few days, and he is big on hospitality, so he was more than on board with her staying over and not wasting money on a hotel. I do not envy her schedule one bit. She is a business traveller, and I am proud of her. She can have all the travelling, though. I have literally seen her in London every week of this month. I respect her a great deal. She works in a male dominated field, and she is a force to be reckoned with. Smart, classy, and she can hold her own. Those are the kind of people I keep around me.

Yesterday was much better than Monday. My child has been working on my last nerve. I posted a Facebook status about that. She has been having these bloody temper tantrums and fits over every single thing. It has been driving me positively batty, so my fuse is considerably short. I do not believe in spanking children, but we might need to reconsider that. Time out and taking toys away is not something I believe will never work. My parents never physically disciplined me, and I turned out just fine. Children of this generation are cut of a different cloth. I had to get away from her. Her tantrums and my attitude made for a lethal cocktail. Poor Matt was caught between a tantrum throwing child and a hormonal wife. When he left, it was peaceful. What he returned to Monday night was the opposite. I dread the teenage years if I am already experiencing hell in the form of my mini me. I will nip it in the bud. I will not stand for a child going toe to toe with me and pushing my buttons. Last time I checked, I brought her into this world, and I am running this until she turns 18. End of story.

Things are surprisingly great with Matt. It seems like a few days away from Wackylandia has done him wonders. We talked about the things we needed to discuss yesterday morning over breakfast and finished over lunch. By dinner, everything was out of the way. He got home before me, and he had started on dinner and was working on folding and putting up laundry. Imagine my surprise. A clean home, no chores, and a home cooked meal? I felt like I stepped into the Twilight Zone.

Our lives have some semblance of normalcy. We have not had a single argument since the parenting issue was resolved. She has transitioned into the role of an aunt. All decisions will be made by the two of us. Like any family and most parents, we will weigh and consider opinions from loved ones. Pushing Matt to accept her as another parent would have ended badly. Sometimes you have to know when to concede and admit defeat. At least with this way, she can still be involved in their lives. He wants to control how much, but he has said that is strictly because he does not trust her after what happened in March/April. He does not want to give her the chance to hurt our children again. Matt's forgiveness is not going to come overnight.

We talked every day he was gone. It was not like the last time where I was wondering if he was okay and all of that. He actually initiated contact in some form every day. It was a shock to my system when I would pick up my phablet and see text messages from him. He is not questioning my every move now. He still asks questions, but it is not like 10 rounds of 50 questions a piece. I feel like he trusts me more than now he has over the past few weeks. I am trying to master the art of transparency. I dislike being vulnerable. I still consider it a sign of weakness. I am improving every day. Necessary evil that I must grin and bear. I told him about everything that happened while he was gone, and he appreciated my honesty. I earned a few levels of trust back just by being honest. There might be something to this full disclosure thing.

After we had dinner last night, he took our children to see their godparents. I went and got a mani/pedi and some bubble tea with Si. It was nice to see her and spend some time with her. I went home after to help get our children ready for bed. Once they were tucked in, I left for Heathrow. Her flight was a little late, so I made it in time. She wanted to grab a bite to eat, so we stopped by my house to drop off her luggage and parked the car. We walked to the restaurant, since it was literally right around the corner. The weather was decent, and I enjoy something like fresh air every so often. We stayed for about an hour. She was tipsy by the time we left. I told her to be careful with the drinks and experimenting with all the different kinds of rum. Rookie mistake at Cotton's. I made sure she got in the bed safely.

We got in a bit before 12. Matt was still up and watching the telly and on his laptop. I made sure Brit got to bed okay, and I took a shower. I snuggled up to Matt. We talked, watched Total Wipeout, made love, and he went to sleep. Not it is past 2 AM, and I am sitting here bright eyed and bushy tailed. I am tickled by Total Wipeout.

Our holiday is coming up in a bit over a week. From 31/5-9/6, I will be off work and 16km away. That is the longest amount of time I have taken off since I returned from maternity leave. I never take extended breaks. Even when I was travelling extensively, it was just a few days. I am looking forward to having uninterrupted time with my hubby. Our children will be close and with our parents. His parents are flying in to help them out for the week. We are still staying at separate hotels, and the only time we will all be together is for the viewing of our new home, dinner that Sunday evening, lunch on the following Saturday, a departure breakfast before we fly out on Sunday morning. They want us to focus on each other and our marriage. My MIL was like, "Between your parents and ourselves, we have more combined years of parenting than you and my son have been living in this world." Tis true. Our children will be in competent hands, and I will breath easier knowing that they are in the same city and not thousands of kilometres away. We are excited to have a week alone. No outside distractions is going to be a beautiful thing.

We will be meeting potential counsellors. We have six consultations scheduled over Sunday and Monday. I love that we did this as a team. He found three, and I found three. I am confident that one of them will be the one for us. We have been out of counselling for a few weeks, and even without counselling, our marriage is significantly healthier. Maybe because we are actually talking and getting along. We were left to our own devices, and I see growth and maturity.

I do not know what my poly future holds or if poly will fit under the new structure of my life, but at least I will know how to communicate and have a healthy relationship again. Outside of my marriage, I have a strengthening friendship with Si. She and I have set a checkpoint to evaluate how things are and possible steps that may need to be taken. That has removed a tremendous amount of pressure. I was racking my brain and trying to force myself to figure out what to do with her relationship wise. We have agreed to not discuss anything relationship wise until August-September. In the mean time, we are still going to continue discussing our feelings, testing the waters of full disclosure in our friendship, and enjoying what we have. I can live with that.

Our lives are finally getting to a sane place, and I am much happier. My husband is happier and finally relaxing. Si is happy. We are all working on our issues. Jointly and separately. They have not started attending counselling, but it is high up on the list post-move. We are preparing for the next chapters of our lives. Now, if I can only get my child on the right path.

I am off to finish watching this show and then, I am taking my bum to bed. 8:30 will be here before I know it. Good-night.
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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 05-22-2013 at 11:01 AM.
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  #404  
Old 05-22-2013, 11:57 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Brit left a few of hours ago. Hubby cooked breakfast this morning. Blueberry waffles topped with candy floss, scrambled eggs, smoked ham, and fresh fruit with honey yoghurt. I love a man that can cook. We all ate breakfast together before we left the house. I took Brit to Waterloo to catch her train. We talked on the way. She will be back on Friday.

Matt and I were talking while we were getting dressed for work. I am enjoying our argument-free environment. He is opening up more. I actually know what he is thinking about and how he feels about certain things. I am patient, so I am not rushing him to spill his guts to me. I am more in tune with him. I can sense when he has something on his mind, so I will put the phone down or set my laptop to the side. Something was weighing on his mind this morning. It was written all over his face. Turns out. It was a work related problem, but I helped him see it from an outsider's POV and gave him a different perspective. I am glad I could help.

Since the next checkpoint relationship wise with Si is not until August or September, I can breathe now and stop being so hard on myself for not knowing what I should do. I was pushing myself too hard. I felt tragically flawed for feeling like I was toying with her emotions. I was being honest about torn, but it did nothing to alleviate my concerns. If I really do believe in non-monogamy, why am I building a new life and then trying to figure out if it will fit? It seems like it should be integrated into my new world. Then again, it was integrated, and we see how that ended. If I am going to continue, it will have to be a separate structure from the one established one with my husband and children. I have to view it like a building. The Twin Towers in Kuala Lumpur come to mind. Separate but equal buildings that standalone with a bridge connecting the two.

At times, I want to get back with my ex, but I am not trying to lose my husband and disrupt the lives of my children in order to accomplish that. I have tried to work it from every angle. I think I need to talk to both of them together and run ideas by them. I do not believe in hierarchy, and I treated them of equal importance. That did not work too well. Sadly, my relationship started coming before my marriage, which in essence came before my children. I was gone more than I was home towards the end and over the past couple of yeas. I have no idea how my beliefs ended up so off track. I have always believed that a marriage should come first and be the first strong example of what a relationship should be to a child. It was important because that was how I grew up. I knew parents loved one another, and I saw it because I was around it.

A demotion to "secondary" would tamper with the natural form the relationship had taken. Time wise, Matt's feelings, and firm assertions are proof that a co-primary relationship would probably sink faster than the Titanic. Though we did not live together but for a hot second, our lives were were intertwined in every other way. I am not really sure what form the relationship would have to take in order for my husband to be tolerant or accepting of it. Asking or expecting his acceptance is not likely after all that has happened.

I am not going to say we have hit a well just yet, but I wish the answer would reveal itself and give me some indication.
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  #405  
Old 05-22-2013, 12:34 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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You have no idea how your beliefs ended up so off track?

I thought it was determined it was bad communication skills, ignoring Matt's feelings, manipulating him with your feminine wiles, spending more time with Si, work, and on your phone or computer than in talking to the man you live with.

I am glad you're setting aside your phone and lappie more often now. You say you don't have ADD but I sometimes wonder... That is just the impression I get!
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  #406  
Old 05-22-2013, 02:00 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
You have no idea how your beliefs ended up so off track?

I thought it was determined it was bad communication skills, ignoring Matt's feelings, manipulating him with your feminine wiles, spending more time with Si, work, and on your phone or computer than in talking to the man you live with.

I am glad you're setting aside your phone and lappie more often now. You say you don't have ADD but I sometimes wonder... That is just the impression I get!
Those are excuses and do not justify me losing sight of my beliefs. I did not believe in having children outside of wedlock, and I did not have the first one until almost 7 years into our marriage. I did not believe in cohabitation, so there was no shared home until after the, "I will's." Love, lust, and dopamine were not enough to shake my beliefs then. Selfishness, being self-absorbed, and foolish choices were the things that could and did.

Everything cannot be blamed on crappy communication. I ignored him. Then again, I ignore things that do not want to hear. He was going against what I had always wanted, so it was a given that he was going to be tuned out. I was gone a hell of a lot. Tis true. My other relationship kept me away more than at home. Hence why I have been dubbed a 20% wife and why he wants no part in a polyamorous marriage.

I am really quiet, and I keep to myself, so talking to Matt was not mandatory. Talking to Si every day was not mandatory either. I prefer being given space and the chance to miss a person as opposed to talking to them day in and day out. I can be content with being in the same room and not saying a word to him. Sometimes it ends up being awkward, as I dislike being idle and doing nothing. Small talk is not something I love or need to function. He has always been more talkative than me.

I do not have ADD. I tune out what I do not want to hear. When I choose to pay attention and listen intently, I can repeat a conversation back word for word. I knew my husband had a problem with the way things were. That was not a secret, and it was not an oversight. I chose to downplay his concerns when they were presented and make him think he was overreacting, when in reality he was not. He had an arsenal of reasons to be concerned. He tried to prevent this from happening years ago. I was too wrapped up in what I/we wanted, so I threw caution to the wind and worried about the consequences when it was almost too late. I knew all along what could happen, so no, I was not surprised when I lost his trust. I am the reason it vacated the premises. Manipulative? One could say that. I made the choices, and I am dealing with the consequences of my actions. I have no one to blame but myself.
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Old 05-22-2013, 06:55 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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My life is in shambles. I was just sitting here thinking that the past decade has been a farce of sorts and wrong. No wonder I feel like I have no aim or direction now. Everything was one-sided and self-serving. I never had Matt's acceptance. I would not have it now either. That is weighing heavily. I am hearing him, so that is something I think about every day. I know I am in control of my life and how I live it, but I cannot just say damn him. I am going to do me and do it well. I have been there, and I have done that. When? The past several years. Welcome to the aftermath.

My best friend might have been right when she said I am not fucked up enough to be poly. Her words. Not mine. She is poly, and her relationships are more entangled than cheap hair extensions. She is in a triad with her husband and girlfriend. The girlfriend is in a relationship with her boyfriend's sister, too. On top of all that, she is a mum to small children. She can have that work.

I listen to the way people describe poly, and I am beginning to feel like every instance in my life was strictly situational and not something I would not be under normal circumstances. I do not feel like it is part of my genetic make-up. I do not feel like it is the air I need to breathe. I do not need it to embrace that side of me to be happy. I am technically mono right now, but I feel some type of way about that. I feel like I should be looking for more, but there is nothing I want. I am not bored with my marriage. I am not in need of anything to spice up my life. I still feel guilty about wanting--not needing--a second relationship. I have battled with my morals and religious upbringing. Nothing in me can justify my non-monogamy. It felt wrong then, and it still feels wrong now. The heart wanted what the heart wanted, but I am thinking with my head now. My thoughts have left me wondering, "What the bloody devil is wrong with me for wanting more when I cannot appreciate and do not deserve what I already have?" Thoughts like that make me feel greedy and selfish all over again.

My thoughts could be skewed because nothing in my life is the way it has been for years and years. I have had to face myself. I beg to differ when people argue that all of this could happen in a mono relationship if you change out the person with a career, hobby, children, etc.. No, no, my dear. Those things are very different from an intimate relationship with another person. I love my children with every past, present, and future beat of my heart, but I am not IN love with them. I am not romantically involved them. They have needs, but they are not needs for dates, intimacy, quality romantic time, me sleeping next to them all night, etc. Totally different. Crappy communication? Yes, that can happen in any relationship.

My life has been turned upside down. Nothing is the way it used to be. I no longer know who I am or what is best for me. I am second guessing every decision I have ever made. I want to avoid making the same mistakes again, and let's face it. Most of my mistakes stem back to having a second relationship and losing sight of what was right in front of my face. I am not sure how I was living is how I need to keep living. The past two months might have been a wake-up call that I am doing this thing called life wrong. Maybe I am not poly in my veins. Maybe it was situational. Maybe I do need to try things a different way. I am the woman who always knew what was right for her, but what was is no more.

I am not stressed out, but I am walking the path of discovery. Am I even poly? If I am, why? What makes me so sure? What is it that poly brings into my life? What are the benefits? What are the drawbacks? What was I searching for? I am not afraid to be alone, so why do I want someone else? How do I do things again and avoid those mistakes? Is it worth it? I think of a thousand questions, and I consistently draw blanks.

And in other news...my engagement ring does not fit. I cannot get it past my knuckle. Seriously? Out of 10 fingers, my ring finger is the only one that is swollen? Ugh. This is the first time in 12 years of having this ring that it would not go on my finger. I wear a band at work, but I wear the set at home. Is this another sign? I texted Matt, and he was like, "We can get it resized tomorrow."

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 05-22-2013 at 09:00 PM.
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Old 05-22-2013, 07:58 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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I enjoy your writing so much; it has such an effortless, intelligent flow to it, and my brain absolutely loves it.

'My life has been turned upside down. Nothing is the way it used to be. I no longer no who I am or what is best for me. I am second guessing every decision I have ever made. I want to avoid making the same mistakes again, and let's face it. Most of my mistakes stem back to having a second relationship and losing sight of what was right in front of my face. I am not sure how I was living is how I need to keep living. The past two months might have been a wake-up call that I am doing this thing called life wrong. Maybe I am not poly in my veins. Maybe it was situational. Maybe I do need to try things a different way. I am the woman who always knew what was right for her, but what was is no more.'

I don't think that most of your mistakes come back to having a second relationship. I would disagree with that. It isn't flawed in its essence, but perhaps you're right to look at its execution. Elemental and I fell prey to not making our own relationship enough of a priority and it is a surefire way to wear down the good graces and love between two people, build resentment, anger and upset.

Maybe you are poly in your veins, but are finding that it's time for a new kind of poly. Do you think that there is a version of poly that Matt might be comfortable with that would still leave you, and potential partners feeling satisfied?

And I feel like you DO know what is right for you - you stepped back from Si, and have refocused on your marriage with Matt. That is what is right for you right now. Right doesn't have to mean easy, or comfortable; it's doing what you know is best for you, and not just in the present. You know your own heart, and you take fearless self inventory; your incredible mind, strength of spirit, and understanding of your own humanity will free you from these struggles over time. Be strong, beautiful woman. You can do this.
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Old 05-22-2013, 08:41 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I enjoy your writing so much; it has such an effortless, intelligent flow to it, and my brain absolutely loves it.
Thank you. Welcome to my random thoughts. They are all over the world these days.

Quote:
I don't think that most of your mistakes come back to having a second relationship. I would disagree with that. It isn't flawed in its essence, but perhaps you're right to look at its execution. Elemental and I fell prey to not making our own relationship enough of a priority and it is a surefire way to wear down the good graces and love between two people, build resentment, anger and upset.
Yes, indeed.

Quote:
Maybe you are poly in your veins, but are finding that it's time for a new kind of poly. Do you think that there is a version of poly that Matt might be comfortable with that would still leave you, and potential partners feeling satisfied?
No, the chances of that happening are slim to none. He wants no part of anything relating to poly, but he still treats our marriage like it is poly. Time wise and schedule wise. He is not here now. This used to be my date night/overnight with Si, so I have no actual idea when I will see him. While I was out on dates and spending the night with her, he found things to do to fill the void of me being gone. He has only made slight changes in his schedule to accommodate our new found mono status. His argument is, "I refuse to get comfortable with the idea of it being just you and me, so I would rather treat our marriage like it is still poly." That sounds good, but I am left with a lap full of time since I do not have another relationship to tend to. He has this whole other part of life that I am not part of. Just like he was not part of my dates/sleepovers. I am not asking him to give up anything because what happens if I decide to get back in another relationship? He has to have something to fall back on. It sucks because when I am alone, my thoughts kick into overdrive. It has forced me to realise just how much time I have been away from home over the years. He called me his 20% wife in counselling. Legally, I was his wife 100% of the time, but outside of the legalities, a mere 20%. He illustrated it and all with a pie chart. How sad is that?

Something would have to drastically change. No dates unless it was on pre-approved nights (bye bye spontaneity), no weekend trips, basing my schedule upon his, and all sorts of provisions. That sounds like a relationship being dictated by the primary partner. Red flag. At this moment, there is no version that he is comfortable with. He barely trusts me. We do not not trust my judgement. I know he does trust anything relating to poly, time management, and anyone I date will not be trusted by him. If I do decide to date again, I will not have his support, not even tolerance this time around, no concessions, no accommodations, and zero understanding. Talking about a nightmare. I am better off on the mono side of the tape right now. His feelings might change in time, but I am not holding breath and waiting on that.

Our children are with their grandparents for the night, so I am alone. That is what made me start thinking. "Is this what he has been dealing with all these years?" This sucks. I like being alone, but this is one of those nights where I only want to be around him. I could be out with my friends and killing time, but that is not what I want. This is one of the nights I actually do want to be all up under him like it is winter time. I know he needs time with his friends and time to do something he enjoys, but being in his shoes sucks tonight.

Quote:
And I feel like you DO know what is right for you - you stepped back from Si, and have refocused on your marriage with Matt. That is what is right for you right now. Right doesn't have to mean easy, or comfortable; it's doing what you know is best for you, and not just in the present. You know your own heart, and you take fearless self inventory; your incredible mind, strength of spirit, and understanding of your own humanity will free you from these struggles over time. Be strong, beautiful woman. You can do this.
This is working for now. I cannot say that it will work tomorrow or next week. I like having some sense of direction. I feel like I am walking aimlessly with no destination in mind. Almost losing my marriage was a wake-up call. Shape the hell up or lose everything. It was not easy to step back from my relationship, but my marriage required all of my attention.

I used to know my heart. I am tuning it out these days and focusing on what is logical and realistic. O heart of mine, be still and shut up so I can do what needs to be done and not what I want. My heart can be a troublemaker and candy coated misery. Listening to it all these years has lead to trouble.

Thank you for your kind words. I hope I can do this. I am tempted to take a short cut and veer off the path I am on.
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Old 05-22-2013, 08:46 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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My thoughts could be skewed because nothing in my life is the way it has been for years and years. I have had to face myself. I beg to differ when people argue that all of this could happen in a mono relationship if you change out the person with a career, hobby, children, etc.. No, no, my dear. Those things are very different from an intimate relationship with another person. I love my children with every past, present, and future beat of my heart, but I am not IN love with them. I am not romantically involved them. They have needs, but they are not needs for dates, intimacy, quality romantic time, me sleeping next to them all night, etc. Totally different. Crappy communication? Yes, that can happen in any relationship.
Yes there is a bit of a difference with and intimate relationship, there is an added level of emotions and sex. However, it's not unusual for people to ignore/neglect the more demanding side of life for the more rewarding things, where the ego is constantly stroked and your made to feel good. You talk about before you were only a 20% wife, the same happened with my husband and his activities. He allowed himself to be deluded that he was doing all these activities for his boys, when in reality, they wanted him at home - he was doing these things because it fed his ego. Household chores, being a good husband, going to sporting events, helping with homework was thankless, demanding, boring and never ending.

Now, I know this has been beat to death, but was Matt's problem really with the "intimate" side of you relationship (even before kids) or was it because he was made to feel 2nd best?

Quote:
My life has been turned upside down. Nothing is the way it used to be. I no longer no who I am or what is best for me. I am second guessing every decision I have ever made. I want to avoid making the same mistakes again,
Not necessarily a bad thing. More of us should take stock of what we have before it's too late and question our decisions more.

Quote:
losing sight of what was right in front of my face. I am not sure how I was living is how I need to keep living. The past two months might have been a wake-up call that I am doing this thing called life wrong.
Not necessarily wrong, just way out of balance. Getting back into balance, can mean some extreme swings to the opposite of where you were, but eventually, things will level out. You guys have made a lot of progress, remember that.

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Am I even poly?
If you can love more than one person at the same time, then yes! Now, being able to make it function is a completely different issue. There is no easy or right solution. Some things will work, some of the time, other times, nothing works. I think many poly people are situational poly.

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And in other news...my engagement ring does not fit. I cannot get it past my knuckle. Seriously? Out of 10 fingers, my ring finger is the only one that is swollen? Ugh. This is the first time in 12 years of having this ring that it would not go on my finger. I wear a band at work, but I wear the set at home. Is this another sign? I texted Matt, and he was like, "We can get it resized tomorrow."
Have you seen your GP recently? Geesh, you medical professionals make some of the worst patients .

Last edited by SNeacail; 05-22-2013 at 08:50 PM.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, from poly to mono, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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