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Old 05-22-2013, 06:21 AM
Oly1 Oly1 is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 28
Default insecurities

My wife recently ended a secondary relationship I was very unhappy with since her partner was cheating on her wife and I hated being a part of cheating and lying [everybody is a lesbian in this story, BTW]. This was our first experience with actual non-monogamy, though we had talked about being "open" for years.

In hindsight I realize I was the one who truly believed the possibility of many loves, while she sees the world in a much more monogamy-favoring mindset. This created some problems with the current situation, e.g. she felt like if she had such strong attraction towards another maybe it means (as society teaches us) she didn't really love me. She was very confused.

After a few weeks she ended it for my sake, which held for about two weeks until we both felt that her making this decision without really standing behind it is only pushing us apart, and they were at it again. Shortly after that she realized she was seriously risking our relationship, and decided to end it.

Problem is, now I find myself sort of obsessing over the possibility she will (again) rekindle this relationship. Every time she's out or late I wonder if she went to see her. I feel a sick need to look at her computer/phone and see if they've communicated. I stand in the balcony waiting for her to come back to see if she gets out of her lover's car. I have dreams in which I find out she's been lying to me, and I wake up angry at her (stupid, I know).

I feel terrible about this. When I ask myself what possible "reason" she has given me to suspect her, the only things I can think about are:
1. the back-and-forth regarding the ending of this relationship,
2. she said plenty of times since this begun she has no/little self control (an attempt to avoid responsibility, in my opinion),
3. whenever she told me something about them she knew hurt me, she would tell me afterwards her first impulse was lying to me, but she'd tell the truth anyway. She later admitted this was an attempt to "score points" for being truthful, which I take for granted as a basic feature of any relationship, but she was experiencing, from her more "mono" mindset, as a big deal.
4. she doesn't really want to share with me the feelings she has now of how hard it is to break up with this woman. And I get that, but it makes me feel like I don't really know what is going on with her.

I'm pretty sure this is more about me than her. But it is driving us both crazy. She's hurt knowing I don't trust her, and feels like she doesn't deserve that, since she hasn't lied to me once since this all begun, despite her more "traditional" outlook on the subject. She knows it will be virtually impossible for me to forgive a lie. I'm not a very trusting person and I have a hard time with forgiveness if my red lines are ever crossed.

I don't understand why I have these thoughts/impulses. I believe in poly because I never want to be lied to or suspect such things of the person closest to me. How did I end up here?
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30, lesbian, my wife- R, together 8 years, wife's "something"- C, cheating on her wife with R + others
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