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Old 05-22-2013, 06:21 AM
Oly1 Oly1 is offline
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My wife recently ended a secondary relationship I was very unhappy with since her partner was cheating on her wife and I hated being a part of cheating and lying [everybody is a lesbian in this story, BTW]. This was our first experience with actual non-monogamy, though we had talked about being "open" for years.

In hindsight I realize I was the one who truly believed the possibility of many loves, while she sees the world in a much more monogamy-favoring mindset. This created some problems with the current situation, e.g. she felt like if she had such strong attraction towards another maybe it means (as society teaches us) she didn't really love me. She was very confused.

After a few weeks she ended it for my sake, which held for about two weeks until we both felt that her making this decision without really standing behind it is only pushing us apart, and they were at it again. Shortly after that she realized she was seriously risking our relationship, and decided to end it.

Problem is, now I find myself sort of obsessing over the possibility she will (again) rekindle this relationship. Every time she's out or late I wonder if she went to see her. I feel a sick need to look at her computer/phone and see if they've communicated. I stand in the balcony waiting for her to come back to see if she gets out of her lover's car. I have dreams in which I find out she's been lying to me, and I wake up angry at her (stupid, I know).

I feel terrible about this. When I ask myself what possible "reason" she has given me to suspect her, the only things I can think about are:
1. the back-and-forth regarding the ending of this relationship,
2. she said plenty of times since this begun she has no/little self control (an attempt to avoid responsibility, in my opinion),
3. whenever she told me something about them she knew hurt me, she would tell me afterwards her first impulse was lying to me, but she'd tell the truth anyway. She later admitted this was an attempt to "score points" for being truthful, which I take for granted as a basic feature of any relationship, but she was experiencing, from her more "mono" mindset, as a big deal.
4. she doesn't really want to share with me the feelings she has now of how hard it is to break up with this woman. And I get that, but it makes me feel like I don't really know what is going on with her.

I'm pretty sure this is more about me than her. But it is driving us both crazy. She's hurt knowing I don't trust her, and feels like she doesn't deserve that, since she hasn't lied to me once since this all begun, despite her more "traditional" outlook on the subject. She knows it will be virtually impossible for me to forgive a lie. I'm not a very trusting person and I have a hard time with forgiveness if my red lines are ever crossed.

I don't understand why I have these thoughts/impulses. I believe in poly because I never want to be lied to or suspect such things of the person closest to me. How did I end up here?
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30, lesbian, my wife- R, together 8 years, wife's "something"- C, cheating on her wife with R + others
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  #2  
Old 05-22-2013, 12:07 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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As a person with trust issues, I would be struggling with this situation myself. My moral values are very stringent when it comes to cheating and not only do I not tolerate it, but struggle to associate with those who do. My concern would be that your SO considers cheating okay as she has been participating in a relationship in which her partner has been cheating. This would set a red flag in my head too. It is great she hasn't lied to you, but obviously there are some major trust issues that need to be faced here.

If you are to the point that you are considering checking her phone, or wonder where she has gone every time she isn't home, some sort of intervention needs to occur. Immediately. In my mind, cheating and lying do so much more damage in a poly relationship. In these sort of situations, everyone has to feel secure and open or things tend to get ugly really quickly.

I wish I could give you better advice, I just want you to know someone understands your thought process.
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Old 05-22-2013, 07:08 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oly1 View Post
Problem is, now I find myself sort of obsessing over the possibility she will (again) rekindle this relationship. Every time she's out or late I wonder if she went to see her. I feel a sick need to look at her computer/phone and see if they've communicated. I stand in the balcony waiting for her to come back to see if she gets out of her lover's car. I have dreams in which I find out she's been lying to me, and I wake up angry at her (stupid, I know)....I don't understand why I have these thoughts/impulses
So she's never lied to you but you obsess night and day over the fact that she might be lying to you?

You are correct that this is much ado about you. *This* is one of those things I would actually recommend therapy for. Therapy is actually designed to get to the bottom of a specific issue like this and they have the tools to teach you to grow past it if you can find a shrink who isn't a complete tool.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Oly1 View Post
I believe in poly because I never want to be lied to or suspect such things of the person closest to me. How did I end up here?
There isn't a relationship style which keeps us safe from being lied to or distrusting. People lie sometimes, which is a bummer, and we need to decide what we want to do about it.

As far as getting over the *prospect* of someone lying to us? That's an emotional problem and, again, I suggest therapy.
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