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  #851  
Old 05-21-2013, 02:25 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I could not force myself to sleep 17 hours. Even when I crashed after not sleeping for days, I still could not sleep that long. I do not know the last time I could sleep eight hours in one swing. I have a built in clock that is my enemy. It is not fair! I hope you were well rested.

My grandfather was not part of my life. His wife was, and I consider her my step-grandmother. She was at the hospital when I was born and everything. My grandfather was a man whore. He cheated on my grandmother, and she left him. He cheated on his wife and had three children with the mistress. She had enough balls to name her oldest after him and took that option away from my step-grandmother. My grandmother went on to remarry, and the man that raised my mum was the only father she knew. My bio grandfather was in her life, but they were not close. Every so often he would call and they would have these long in-depth conversations, but daddy material he was not. He fell ill in 2006 or 2007. We knew it was terminal. He was in stage 3 or 4 of lung and throat cancer. He had been a lifelong smoker. I remember visiting him when he was hospitalised. I worked at the hospital, so I was able to see him and finally have a relationship after all those years. He unofficially "met" my daughter while she was still in the womb. It was hard for me to accept that he would never meet her. It was also hard for me to accept his mistress standing by his death bed and outside of the church the day of his funeral. She was acting like his wife, and if I had not been pregnant, I probably would have kicked her arse. It was disrespectful on so many levels. He passed in August 2008. I was grateful for the time we had, but I would pay any price to be able to have those years back. His death hit me harder than I expected. I figured I knew him but I did not know him. I figured I would bounce back with ease. I was in for a rude awakening.

I encourage Karma to work through any issues he has with his grandmother and his father and try to be there in his time of need. The worst thought is wondering, "What if I had said this, that, or done x when I had the chance?" Continue to be there for him and support him as best as possible. Sending you both hugs.

I hope your niece enjoys her recital. I also hope you all get settled in your new home with ease.
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  #852  
Old 05-21-2013, 09:38 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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It appears I still have some residual baggage from Cricket. I've been putting off bringing up an issue with Pixi out of fear of her reaction. With us moving, we're all little out of sorts in one way or another. But I finally brought it up today, and big surprise it was fine.

Karma has this grand ability to say he's going to spend the evening with me and then spend it talking online, usually with Pixi. I haven't been saying much, just letting it go until the conversation ends, but it's getting harder and harder to ignore. They chatted for over an hour the night of our anniversary, they chat for hours on end just about every night. It was part of my whole suffocation issue.

I understand that they don't see each other as often as if they were living together. Because of this I try to respect their time and not call or chat with him online when he is with her. If I do call it's 30 second of "bring __ home with you on your way back please."

With my family in town and starting my business along with being sick, I couldn't tell you the last time we had sex. I'm kind of going crazy. So last night we 'scheduled' it for after I took care of some of business stuff. I got home and he was online. I waited...and waited...and waited...and then finally went to bed out of frustration. He had told Pixi earlier in the day that he was staying home and spending the evening with me. I was a little irritated with both of them. Him for staying online and chatting and her for starting the chat to begin with. I respect their time together, I would appreciate the same.

When I brought it up today she completely agreed and was fine with discouraging online chats during 'our' time. She thought we had already spent some time together.

So while I'm frustrated, I'm also relieved that it went so well.
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  #853  
Old 05-21-2013, 10:07 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I'd have to say this is where Karma needs a good swift smack upside the head. However, you also need to say something to him immediately. "Look, we schedule this time for US, that you choose this time to chat online, text, etc, is incredibly rude, disrespectful and hurtful!" He is fully capable of saying, "sorry, I'll talk to you tomorrow, it's date night with Mo."

Now, I can see where, he's waiting for you so he jumps on the computer and then gets wrapped up in whatever. This is where you tell him you are now available and you'll give him 5-10 minutes(per-determined time limit) to wrap up whatever he's doing. My husband can get so wrapped up in something that he won't even notice that I'm standing at his elbow waiting for him to finish something. I have to be extremely blunt and to the point (as few words as possible).
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  #854  
Old 05-21-2013, 11:34 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I've been guilty of the same, chatting with Wendigo right up until Runic Wolf is sitting right next to me trying to read what I'm typing because he knows that it bugs me and will get me off the computer faster.
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  #855  
Old 05-21-2013, 11:57 PM
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You bring up very good points SNeacail, I've missed your input while I was away . I think I'm just tired of having to do that. The first few times I did bring it up to him. Like our anniversary I said " I know you haven't seen her all weekend but this is supposed to be our time.I'm trying not to get upset and understand that she's been out of town and you haven't talked to her, but we have plans so can you wrap it up." And he did. But after every time I get more and more frustrated. I kind of feel like "Why should I have to? Is our spending time together not as important as talking about a larp?" And I know that some of it is her getting upset when he does end a chat quickly so he tries to avoid dealing with her being upset by putting me on the back burner. But lately I kind of feel like screaming "When is it my turn?"

Brigidsdaughter- I usually end up right beside him, like I did last night, for the same reasons. Unfortunately I think the annoyance of me reading over his shoulder is wearing off. I've taken to getting my snuggle time by laying my head on his shoulder while he types.

Over all it's a large combination of things. He gets sucked in to things easily and loses track of how long he's been lost. When I bring it up he gets annoyed with me harping on him. He doesn't want to deal with her getting upset. I've given up on speaking up and therefore am not communicating as I should. She, not living here, isn't realizing how much time he spends lost in the computer so she doesn't realize how important those few hours of 'us' time is to me. Our move has placed every one out of sorts and we're all dealing in our own ways. And as it usually falls back to, our love languages are completely different and we tend to forget that and then neglect the others needs without realizing it.

And it's not all bad and terrible. He's been amazingly supportive with my getting my business off the ground. Including only whining a little bit about being asked to sit through my presentation on jewelry. He's been helping me pack as much as his back injury allows. He's helped with getting the house ready for my first few nights of jewelry shows. The support I'm getting even though he finds the jewelry business to be dreadfully boring, has been so needed and such a blessing. I'm pretty happy with the other areas of life. I'm just missing some one on one time with my hubby.
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  #856  
Old 05-22-2013, 01:37 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I would have a problem with that. My husband does the same thing. Subtle hints do not work. I could walk out butt naked in a pair of red courts, and sometimes I believe he would not notice because he is so wrapped up in whatever he is doing. We have an understanding, and he knows to put the phone down or shut the laptop when we need QT.

You should not have to always ask. It is just common courtesy. It is routine or habitual for him, and it needs to be broken. A quick message, "Hey. I am with Mo. I will talk to you at a later point. I hope you had a good day. I love you," would do the trick. If it is supposed to be your time with him, that is where his attention should be. I understand that she does not live there, and he misses her. Blah blah blah. How would he feel if you were texting and chatting with one of your friends during your time with him? Like during dinner, pulling out the phone and holding a whole conversation. I get the feeling he would not like the lack of attention. I always encourage people to do what is being done to them and let the person see how it feels to be his/her shoes.

It is clearly bothering you, so you need to tell him. You have talked to her, but you need to talk to him. Call him out when you see him slipping into that habit. It is okay to need one-on-one time with your hubby. Ask for it. On second thought, demand it. She gets one-on-one time, and you deserve the same. I am so sick of hearing the word "communicate," so express what you need to him. Write him a note and leave it on his pillow or somewhere he is guaranteed to see it. Send an e-mail. Whatever it takes to get it out and in the open.
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  #857  
Old 05-22-2013, 02:45 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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FullofLove- I really love your direct way of writing and appreciate the advice. I joke sometimes that I'm going to make my millions by inventing perfume that smells like a computer. I've definitely walked out naked and requested his 'attention' to be ignored for the computer.

You're right, it is routine and habitual for him. Quality time has always been an issue between us. He feels that being in the same room is quality time. I need his one on one attention to have that need met. How would he feel? I doubt he'd even notice. In our multiple, years of ongoing conversation about the matter quality time is just not a thing for him. I could be wrong, but I don't ever feel like he wants/needs my one on one undivided attention.

The last year has kind of seemed like my karamatic pay back. Several years ago I had no interest in sex. It was a fight constantly. It was part of what led to our almost divorce. This last year it seems the roles have reversed. I'm the one always saying it's not happening enough.

I guess it's time for another heart to heart and hoping we actually find a way to resolve it this time.
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  #858  
Old 05-22-2013, 03:42 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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On an unrelated note, I'm about to head to bed and realized I didn't really update too much from my family being in town. Mostly the adorableness of the kids.

My niece had several interesting questions and perspectives:
Are you and Uncle Karma married?
Do you have kids? why not? I had a hard time with that one. How do you tell a 4 yr old you don't want children, but still make her feel loved and important?
She's putting familial relations together and I was told several time "Your mother..." So I asked who my mother was and she gives me this look of OMG are you that dumb? "Yaya!" Oh of course, how silly of me .
It was determined that Pixi lives in our garage (even though we don't have one ) because she's our 'customer'. Even without PDA's I'm pretty sure she put together that Pixi was a very important part of our lives. Even if she does live in the garage we don't have.
Uncle Karma is a vampire and a dragon. But when looking at Star Wars figures in a store she sought out his " 'pinion" on who everyone was.
When I got home and was looking at the pictures I took I had a moment of freak out. I've never seen my resemblance in the kids. I've been told I look very much like my mother and my niece looks a lot like her as well. I've seen their resemblance but not my own. Mostly I think she looks like my sister in law. My nephew is my brothers spitting image. Identical to how I remember him as a toddler. And to me, they both look like my father. But looking at pictures, with my nephews face right next to mine and Karma's, I realized that he could easily be ours. My sister in law even commented on it. It was odd. I go back and forth on wanting kids and turning 30 has that biological clock going crazy. Seeing how similar we look was a bit unnerving. I could easily see those blue eyes being a bit more gray like Karma's and his redish hair being a bit darker and he easily could be our son.

Overall it was a great visit. The kids amaze me with how intelligent they are. They are so well behaved, but very much have their own thoughts and express them very clearly. Even my almost 2 yr old nephew.

My family seems to really like Pixi. There have been none of the concerns that were there with previous relationships.
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  #859  
Old 05-22-2013, 04:57 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
Do you have kids? why not? I had a hard time with that one. How do you tell a 4 yr old you don't want children, but still make her feel loved and important?

You tell the truth "as if" there is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, because there isn't. For all you know, that kid will also be child-free and could benefit from a strong role-model because, as a child-free person you would be aware, there is a lot of pressure from society and family to reproduce.
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  #860  
Old 05-22-2013, 04:43 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
My niece had several interesting questions and perspectives:
Are you and Uncle Karma married?
Do you have kids? why not? I had a hard time with that one. How do you tell a 4 yr old you don't want children, but still make her feel loved and important?
I don't know if a child would automatically equate someone not wanting children of their own with not feeling loved and important herself. One could say something like say, "Because I have the best niece and nephew in the world!" Personally, I would probably answer it with something about not wanting to be a parent rather than something about not wanting kids - then it's more like rejecting a "job" than rejecting a child. As in, "Well, being a parent is a special job and not for everyone. I like being your Auntie much better than being a Mommy." She would probably skip away happily after an answer like that.


Since you say you do go back and forth on whether you want kids or not, perhaps your trepidation about answering her might be due to a little insecurity or uncertainty you have about it. Having doubts or not quite having made a firm choice can feel like a vulnerable place to be. For example, I've wanted to be child-free since my 20s. Because I had no doubts about that, very few people would even ask me why I didn't have or want kids, and if they did, I answered in a very direct and confident way and it rarely got me into long discussions. The only times I ever found myself defending my position was when the people asking were narrow-minded or could not fathom a woman not wanting to be a mother.

However, a few times in my life, there were periods where I waffled a bit because I allowed myself to indulge in some fantasies about what it would be like, what I would name my kids, etc. I am an amateur genealogist and sometimes I would become sad that my family tree will stop at me. I haven't fantasized about having kids in over a decade, but at those times when I did, I had less of an easy time answering such questions. And when you are doubtful about something in your life, it's sort of like a vulnerability that people seize upon subconsciously, so it actually invites those kinds of questions.

It's okay to have doubts, of course, but maybe you should have some stock answers handy so that you're not caught off-guard and left feeling a little beat-up if people do question you until you're more certain and confident in your choice. When I regained my confidence about it, I remember someone at an office job I had asking me if I was married, if I had children, etc., just to get to know me. When I answered that I was married and no, we don't have kids, she said, "Oh, I am sorry." Nothing irks me more than that kind of attitude! I said, "Why? I'm child-free, not childless. I don't want kids." She said, "But why not?" And I said, with a look on my face that told her she was being an ass, "That's a rather personal question. Would you ask me why, if I said I wanted them? I don't want them, that's all." She shut up.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-22-2013 at 04:51 PM.
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