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Old 05-15-2013, 08:40 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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He has always told me that he loved me and would never lose me. That IF it ever came down to it, that he would choose to be monogamous with me rather than lose me, but when I finally said "I cannot do this anymore"...then he said the decision was mine.

Okay I'm sorry, rereading from GG's post. This reeks to me. I know the OP says she didn't go into this planning on being a cowgirl but that is what it looks like.

"Okay I'll try this poly thing but with the previso that if I don't like it you leave your wife for me."

I also don't see an honest effort to try as it's just been one long, "This makes me unhappy fix it!" thing.
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:42 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Location: The Big Apple
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
"youse guys" is not correct. That's how they say in New Jersey. The correct expression is "you's" because it's SHORT for "you guys". The "guy" is replaced by the apostrophe, giving the contraction "you[guy](')s". There is no such word as "youse", there is no "e" in "you" or "guys", and saying "guys" is redundant and defeats the purpose of having a contraction.

"youse guys" is like saying "youlle all" in Texas.
Don't know how they say it in Beantown, but I grew up in NJ and can definitely confirm that most native New Jerseyans DO indeed say (and sometimes even write, egad) "youse guys" or just ya's (pronounced "yuhz") for short (as in, "Hey, whadda ya's up to?"). "You's" or "youse," with a long u sound, doesn't sound right to us without the "guys" added, but ya's or "yuhz" is used by itself. HOWEVER no one I ever knew in my life ever, ever EVER pronounced Jersey as Joizey. That irritates us even more than asking "what exit?" when we say we're from the Garden State. It's actually pronounced more like "Juzzy." Oh, and Jersey City is really one word: "Juzzcity."
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 05-15-2013, 09:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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To me it sounds like HE was the cowboy. Herded her off her family people while she was all NRE drunk on him and besotted and running away from the exhusband.

Tis neither here nor there. The past that led to this crux is past -- the question is what is the NEXT future to be? Stay in this less rollercoaster polyship? Or leave it?

Since she titles the original thing as wanting to STOP polyshipping like this? I perceive this to be about her coming to accept that it really doesn't work here, he's really not going to put more "work" into it other than smoothie talkin' whatevers. All talk, no show.

So supporting her in her process to arrive at "final acceptance" so she can move on to her next future.

If anything, could consider trying OUT a baby step "leaving" to see if that feels better. Go home stateside for a visit and get away from the noisy crazy for a time out.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-16-2013 at 02:14 AM.
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Old 05-15-2013, 10:44 PM
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TimTimothy TimTimothy is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Seattle
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Default Shoulder Deptrla

I recently had an a ha moment.

For years, I've been dating non-poly women thinking that eventually I'd happen upon one that is poly. And, somewhat dismissively, I've held for a long time that everyone is poly if they could just strip away the layers of culture that bind us all. So, I thought I'd get lucky, so to speak, and meet a women who otherwise didn't identify as poly and we'd make it work.

My a ha moment came when I realized how unethical this was of me. I was dating women who identified as monogamous (well, all women I meet, generally, identify as monogamous). To be ethical, I must respect their stated desires. And, I had to be upfront with them about who I was and what I able to provide in a relationship. The truth of this has essentially caused me to stop dating mono women altogether.

The OP is not poly. Any advice that asks her to work it out or give it time or space seems misguided to me. She's telling us, whether she's said so directly or not, that she longs for a monogamous relationship. I don't really need to know anything else about her boyfriend or his wife or their kids to reach what seems to me an obvious solution.

If OP doesn't want poly…then she'll never make this work. And, assuming that the boyfriend DOES want poly, it's unethical of OP to remain.

Poly shouldn't be something you endure. I, for example, couldn't endure a homosexual marriage; not because I might not care for the man I was with, but because homosexuality is not in my nature. Poly is a nature that you either have or don't have.
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Old 05-15-2013, 11:40 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Originally Posted by El186 View Post
Nancyfore, I was simply replying to galagirls request as to what provision's were in place for his poly family, of which I am a part. I would want to stay because HE would be here....yes, I know he is not here....but I would want to be near where he was and he has said that if I should die that he would want me to be buried HERE in Germany for the exact same reason. It is NOT that I do not want his family to be provided for. I would just like to be provided for as well and I don't think that is unreasonable OR selfish. We all need to prepare for the future as best as possible. Most of the time that happens through spousal support. It seems like no matter what I say or do on here that there is someone to criticise me and tell me how horrible I am. I came here for help and I AM trying to resolve this. I realize that I am a selfish bitch, but I am trying to do something that NO ONE else that *I* know would even attempt. You may be used to it and it may come naturally to you, but it is not that way for everyone. So, excuse me if I am having a hard time fitting into YOUR world. It is starting more and more to sound like a place where only YOU and the ones "like" you are accepted. You are NO different from the very people that you criticise the most. I am confused....I obviously don't have it all figured out. Instead of telling me how selfish and horrible I am, how about giving me some advice on how I can accept the situation I am in? Others in here have been so kind. I NEED the advice and I sure as hell am not going to be able to find it in a mono group. I feel like it is an "us against them" attitude by many in here and I obviously am "them" although I have lived this life for 3 years and am STILL trying to make it work. Poly does not come naturally to me. I am beginning to wonder if it does for some and not for others. IDK. But I am TRYING to understand it and learn the concepts involved and YES that includes being less selfish.
Poly doesn't necessarily come "easy" for me.. BUT I don't take the stance that I will sit and complain and do nothing to help myself either.. I work at it and study and do what it takes to get to a reasonable answer.

ME and the ONES "LIKE" me??? Do you know me? Who is "LIKE" me? Do you know the others? Don't put me in a box and don't ASSume you know me or that others are "like" me.

Some here have given you advice and you don't seem to want to do anything about it. You also said you had a talk and things were better then come back and still complain. There are plenty of "online" business opportunities you could do to get an income.

BTW.. a little about me... RSD/CRPS patient.. I know all about chronic pain and what it does to the brain... AlSO, I was the single mom of 7 teenage girls and 2 preteen boys, after divorcing a hugely abusive person in which I had to flee, with kids, make a will, etc, etc... I worked a job 7 days a week to provide for us all... So I have been where you have been... You have options other than sitting in the wife's house and HOPING your taken care of...
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Old 05-16-2013, 12:05 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Location: Pennsylvania
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Oh heaven forbid if we don't pat you on the head and tell you what you want to hear.

OP you want advice what to do in your situation, here is mine.

Go home or move out.. Get yourself together... Become self sufficient and stop being a mooch off this family. Right now you bring nothing positive to this family. Then revisit the relationship. I bet you would view it differently. Relationships are about give and take. You just seem to want to take. I have heard nothing from you concerned about anyone but yourself. Not the wife whose life you have most likely turned up side down. How about those poor children? You are affecting them too and in my opinion anyone who puts their needs above young children is a selfish narcissist.

OP you have no idea who I am and what my life's journey has been like. We are all individuals.. If quite a few of us keep giving you similar feed back that should be a huge clue.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.

Last edited by Dagferi; 05-16-2013 at 12:14 AM.
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Old 05-21-2013, 09:05 PM
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pollyanna pollyanna is offline
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Posts: 41

wondering what happened to OP...
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disabilities, relocation

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