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Old 05-21-2013, 07:28 PM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

I knew that the Happy-ish Stable-ish, Uneventful Poly was going to come to an end at some point, although I didn't expect it to be in the way it did. I figure I'll make this post so I can feel honest with a follow up post about the good things going on.

It's been a stressful month for me, all three of my partners have been having relationship issues, luckily the only one having problems with me is Adam. He lied to me about something, and after some conversation it came out he'd done a lot of things he hadn't disclosed over the last decade. Ironically 95% of the stuff was perfectly fine to do, it's just he's always maintained that it was behavior he would share with me and wanted me to do the same. Most everything the first 8 years had to do with exes - kissing, conversations about dating again or wandering down memory lane (some of them while we were monogamous - still OK if it'd been mentioned, one situation where it wasn't OK for a variety of reasons). Now I don't GET memory lane, cause usually when people break up there's a good reason for it, but I understand other people do. I'm not thrilled about his giving ex-girlfriends a special exception from our agreements about disclosure, but I understand it.

A combination of his seeing the counselor, and probably me dating Greg (though he says its not the case) and his chafing at his self imposed not dating until he figured some stuff out at the counselor accelerated some sneaky behavior/actions and he actually flat out lied to me last month, volunteered unsolicited that he wasn't interested in somebody then soon after telling her "if only x y and z" he would've been flirting up a storm with her. I'd been feeling for a week before it happened that something was off, he said we were fine but I listened to my gut when it was still saying something was wrong and didn't let it drop.

I'm not totally surprised at this stuff, although pretty disappointed. There are a lot of parallels between his behavior and my ex-husband, and I've always thought they had a lot of similar characteristics. What does surprise me is that he was there when we broke up, and saw how much the behaviors hurt me when they came to light, which makes this hurt more now. I do have to say too, that with how his behavior had been ramping up over the last six months, that I wouldn't have been surprised if things had escalated into some form of physical cheating in a year or two. Nevertheless it didn't, and I am trying to deal with what is, although my mind has trouble not "feeling" like I've been cheated on. Being kept in the dark about some things for a decade is shitty enough but I'm trying hard to see it for what it is, not attaching the baggage of past relationships onto it too.

With all that said, I think Adam has had a cold bucket of water splashed in his face. He volunteered all the things he'd ever done that broke our agreements that he could think of (ouch) and seems to be making efforts to fix his shit. I can't say I'm not sad and there will be years of me wondering "Is he off doing something shitty this very moment?" at random intervals, ruining perfectly good days if I let it. We have couples counseling tonight, the first once since this came out, though we've both seen her individually in the interim. I don't really know what to talk about, so I figure I'll let him or her direct things.

Other than that, I want poly to be more happy things to share too, not just more sad things. It seems like days since there's been an all happy day. There's a divorce and relationship transitions happening elsewhere, as well as an upcoming layoff. The two other ladies Greg has been dating for the last couple months are probably the only real relationship high point anybody is having, and even though he's really happy about them and their awesomeness, it doesn't keep his sad times from being sad. Adam loves his new job but its counterbalanced by commutes of up to 90 minutes each way so less time and energy to deal with us. I'm also understandably doubting if I can trust my choices in partners in general and that is affecting things with both Brian and Greg, for different reasons. I'm keeping my fingers crossed the scales will start tipping further into the joy direction soon.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 05-22-2013 at 04:38 AM.
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