GalaGirl - Your blog post was very helpful and I can fully relate to it.
Ive discussed being poly with my husband for as long as I can remember, and I always felt instead of loving me for all of me he looked at it as a flaw. Growing up I always felt slightly uncomfortable in my own skin (not just in a poly sense). As ive grown older ive learned to love myself for everything that I am. I love my husband and want him to accept me for all of me, including what others may see as a flaw. It is hard because deep down I am poly and I truly think hes realizing that, and I dont think he is. Hes mono 100%, and although he tried to discuss the idea, hes even admitted its not right for him. I understand his feelings towards it and accept that, but is it wrong for me to want the same type of acceptance?
I honestly think part of him is trying to accept the fact and love me for me and not hold me back from what I need in life, but I think what holds him back is fear. Hes said it himself, fear of losing me, fear of the jealousy overtaking him, fear I'll find a companion who is better then him..... him saying he wants me to pursue another companion but just dont tell him about it feels wrong. If he loves me for all of me, then he should want to share in my happiness. Just simple things like "hey I met this guy/girl" and just be able to talk to him about it. I feel with his attitude now, he wants to act like nothing would be happening but deep down know it is but not confront his feelings on it. To me it looks like a recipe for disaster. He will only bottle up his jealousy and hurt feelings until he either explodes or resents me, or both.
And not only that, but if I did find a companion, if my husband doesn't want to know anything about it unless he asks specifically, how do I feel comfortable speaking to my companion about it? It just feels like a giant web of lies and sneaking around.