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  #91  
Old 05-15-2013, 11:08 AM
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Quite possibly. You might be arriving to that place. It probably helped to know certain things. For me, I freak out when it is something I do not know. Once I know, I calm down.

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  #92  
Old 05-17-2013, 04:57 PM
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One of my co workers today was bragging about how he and his wife (together for 10 years) cannot sleep when they're apart.

Besides the fact that that sounds very unpractical to me (not just from a poly POV - but what if someone has to go to hospital? visit a relative? gets stuck in traffic? etc..) it also sounds, to me, unhealthy.. in any kind of relationship, mono or poly, and really not something to be proud of or something that 'proves' how much people love each other.

Things like that remind me how free I've always been and felt in my marriage. We had a separate social life long before we even thought of poly. Went on trips with friends instead of each other. Spent most of our evenings at home in different rooms because we have very different hobbies. Maybe that has made the transition much easier?
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  #93  
Old 05-17-2013, 05:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
One of my co workers today was bragging about how he and his wife (together for 10 years) cannot sleep when they're apart.

Besides the fact that that sounds very unpractical to me (not just from a poly POV - but what if someone has to go to hospital? visit a relative? gets stuck in traffic? etc..) it also sounds, to me, unhealthy.. in any kind of relationship, mono or poly, and really not something to be proud of or something that 'proves' how much people love each other.

Things like that remind me how free I've always been and felt in my marriage. We had a separate social life long before we even thought of poly. Went on trips with friends instead of each other. Spent most of our evenings at home in different rooms because we have very different hobbies. Maybe that has made the transition much easier?
If you have a particular routine of doing things, changing that routine can take some getting used to.

I have a strange pattern of sleeping myself, but the routine that is being alone, and in my particular bed, I'm very used to. So being in another bed, and/or having someone else cuddled up with me, it takes getting used to. and again when I've gotten used to that, and then gone back to usual.

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  #94  
Old 05-17-2013, 06:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
One of my co workers today was bragging about how he and his wife (together for 10 years) cannot sleep when they're apart.
My guess is there is a certain amount of exaggeration involved. I sleep just fine, if I'm not lonely. My wife sleeps just fine, if there isn't something she needs comfort for.
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  #95  
Old 05-18-2013, 01:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
One of my co workers today was bragging about how he and his wife (together for 10 years) cannot sleep when they're apart.

Besides the fact that that sounds very unpractical to me (not just from a poly POV - but what if someone has to go to hospital? visit a relative? gets stuck in traffic? etc..) it also sounds, to me, unhealthy.. in any kind of relationship, mono or poly, and really not something to be proud of or something that 'proves' how much people love each other.
My boss at work is like that with her husband, though she doesn't brag about it. The bragging part is idiotic. No, it doesn't mean a couple is more solid and more in love or anything like that. I don't think it's healthy either. What a lame thing to boast about. My boss's husband was recently hospitalized for a few days for hip replacement surgery and she got a hotel room near the hospital (which is in the city - they live an hour and a half outside the city). She was complaining that she would be exhausted at work because she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep without him next to her. And I think she mentioned feeling like she had to barricade the hotel door with something, so I guess she's someone who is afraid to be alone at night. Amazing to me, since she lives in a huge house, like 4000 sq. ft huge. They've been married about 25 years, since she was in her early 20s.

Okay, maybe I have no reason to cite my marriage as something that worked well, because it has ended, but it was a healthy, mutually supportive relationship for a long time before my husband wanted other things. Anyway, he and I could always handle things like going on trips separately. We didn't feel like sleeping apart was such a terrible thing. We'd talk on the phone and miss each other when we we each off doing our own things, but nobody was losing sleep! We embraced whatever was happening in our lives and met it all with an open-minded attitude.

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Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
Things like that remind me how free I've always been and felt in my marriage. We had a separate social life long before we even thought of poly. Went on trips with friends instead of each other. Spent most of our evenings at home in different rooms because we have very different hobbies. Maybe that has made the transition much easier?
Probably. My husband and I also had no qualms about flirting with and checking out other people. I've often wondered if, had he not been so hell-bent to end it with me over the things he took issue with, we might have one day been okay with poly, because our relationship did work so well for a long time basically because we saw each other as two independent people who just enjoyed each other's company and relied on each other for certain things, but not ALL things.
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  #96  
Old 05-20-2013, 10:41 AM
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need to get my thoughts in order. Hopefully writing here will help.

A couple days ago Ren and I were talking about something that might or might not happen a year from now, and he said: would you tell C about that if it happened?
And I said 'Of course' but while I said it I felt like a gut reaction, a flash of clarity going through my brain, that said to me: maybe, quite possibly, a year from now, C will no longer have a position in my life where he needs to be told such things.
It was an instinctive reaction which is all the more reason I'm taking it very seriously and have been thinking about it ever since.

I have truly been obsessing about C the past couple of months, ever since he seriously started dating Molly. My fear of abandonment really hit the roof and I feel very insecure and unsafe around him. I have been thinking it is MY insecurities I need to work on, and of course this is true. But I think the way he is handling it all, is telling me things about him that may mean that our partnership is no longer bringing me what I want from it.

It just seems like the fun is gone. We see each other every 12 days or so. In between we communicate, but it's mostly 'hey I'm thinking of you' ' love you' ' hey I read that book you mentioned' type of communication. And in the mean time big things happen (like, he had a date with Molly he was dreading, because he said he wanted to tell her he wants to see her less, or, the fact that I slept with BGuy) that we don't talk about until we see each other in person. Which means that when we do see each other in person, there is so much talking and emotional processing to do, that the part where we are supposed to enjoy each other, seems to be missing.

I suppose to me it feels like our relationship has shifted and changed, but I am the only one who is struggling to find a new balance. He is struggling to find a balance in his relation with Molly, but seems to think that WE are 'okay', and that nothing has changed between us, where as for me it has.

The fact that he is now fluid bonded with her, and that him and I are not having PIV sex anymore (and most likely never will - these are his words, not my pessimism) is a major thing to me. She is in his city, is becoming a part of his daily life, meeting his friends and family. And I think I would feel so much better if he would just figure out what he wants with her instead of telling me he's in a committed relationship with her one week, and telling me maybe they should break up because he wants his freedom, the next.

AARRGHHH I just don't know, all I know is I don't feel light and loving anymore when thinking of him, but heavy and full of angst. And it's not even fear of losing him anymore, it's more like fear of being in a relationship that is not bringing me joy.

Maybe the solution would be to stop talking about the heavy stuff for a bit.. just to try and get the fun back? I don't know.

*********************

In other, much better, news, my house and bed and body and kitchen are all prepped for a visit from MrBrown Ren is going away with Lou for the night and MrB is coming over for dinner and a sleepover. He hasn't been to my house since August. I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing him and talking to him, I know he will be able to help me sort through my feelings around C.
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  #97  
Old 05-20-2013, 04:43 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
I have truly been obsessing about C the past couple of months, ever since he seriously started dating Molly. My fear of abandonment really hit the roof and I feel very insecure and unsafe around him. I have been thinking it is MY insecurities I need to work on, and of course this is true. But I think the way he is handling it all, is telling me things about him that may mean that our partnership is no longer bringing me what I want from it.

It just seems like the fun is gone. We see each other every 12 days or so. In between we communicate, but it's mostly 'hey I'm thinking of you' ' love you' ' hey I read that book you mentioned' type of communication. And in the mean time big things happen (like, he had a date with Molly he was dreading, because he said he wanted to tell her he wants to see her less, or, the fact that I slept with BGuy) that we don't talk about until we see each other in person. Which means that when we do see each other in person, there is so much talking and emotional processing to do, that the part where we are supposed to enjoy each other, seems to be missing.

I suppose to me it feels like our relationship has shifted and changed, but I am the only one who is struggling to find a new balance. He is struggling to find a balance in his relation with Molly, but seems to think that WE are 'okay', and that nothing has changed between us, where as for me it has.

The fact that he is now fluid bonded with her, and that him and I are not having PIV sex anymore (and most likely never will - these are his words, not my pessimism) is a major thing to me. She is in his city, is becoming a part of his daily life, meeting his friends and family. And I think I would feel so much better if he would just figure out what he wants with her instead of telling me he's in a committed relationship with her one week, and telling me maybe they should break up because he wants his freedom, the next.

AARRGHHH I just don't know, all I know is I don't feel light and loving anymore when thinking of him, but heavy and full of angst. And it's not even fear of losing him anymore, it's more like fear of being in a relationship that is not bringing me joy.

Maybe the solution would be to stop talking about the heavy stuff for a bit.. just to try and get the fun back? I don't know.
I'm in a very similar situation. My boyfriend, who had been single the majority of the time I have dated him, started dating someone at the end of February. Though they had just meet and it sounds like C has known Molly a while, they hit it off amazingly well immediately. He didn't fluid bond with her without talking to me first, but it was very much desired and I felt very much like he thought I was getting in the way of the development of this possibly primary relationship for him (I'm married so while I divided my time pretty evenly, he felt secondary). He has such an intense bond with this woman and things went so fast that I felt scared and confused, especially at the beginning.

I thought we were doing better, he thought I was still being needy and clingy so two weeks ago when I asked for reassurance, things kind of blew up. I have no idea where we stand right now. We've gone from seeing each other a few times a week to having one date night, with no idea if I'll sleep over or just head home after a few hours (I'd been sleeping at his place at least once a week since the beginning of 2012, with it being 3 times a week at the beginning of this year). I'm trying so hard to make these weekly dates just fun, so we can get back to enjoying each other's company. But it's hard not to make them about issues, because we aren't really talking between them (not even as much as you and C, there were a few days last week no communication happened and the rest of the days were mostly just basic communication like what time we were getting together the next day and could you take care of something I forgot to do at your house). I feel lost and confused as to were our relationship is going. It's hard to go from at least telling each other you love each other every day to not communicating much and not saying that anymore.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in struggling with abandonment issues. I'm right there with you. I do think it'll help to try to enjoy your time with him and not spend all of it talking about emotionally laden topics.
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  #98  
Old 05-21-2013, 10:49 AM
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awesome, awesome date with MrBrown still glowing and smiling, he has just left my house. Great talks, some about stuff that is hard for me to talk about, but it seems that with him I can talk about anything. He makes me think, he makes me question, he makes me look at things from a different perspective. Most of all he makes me feel alive, powerful, and strong. I love him

I cooked a spectacular dinner that looked like it would serve 4 but he ate most of it. More talks, drinks on the couch, cuddles and kisses, and then some interesting play - there was pain, and in the end I hurt him a little too, which I'd never done before, and it felt quite exhilarating.

there was a very powerful moment where he was doing something I wanted him to stop doing, and I asked him to stop, and he stopped but very slowly, and he asked ' do you trust me' and I was for one very brief moment scared to say yes, because I thought if I trust him and he keeps doing this anyway, then everything between us will be damaged and broken. And then I thought if I give in to that feeling and say I don't trust him it will be broken too, and I DO trust him, even though I'm scared as hell right now, so I said yes I trust you and he stopped and then I broke down and cried out of sheer vulnerability, I felt raw but also really really strong, it was amazing.

he spent the night, we slept in, some sexy time, a slow breakfast, and now he's gone and I'm alone in my house today which hasn't happened for weeks and I'm enjoying every single second! Alone time is the one thing to keep poly people sane I think.
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Last edited by Cleo; 05-21-2013 at 11:16 AM.
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  #99  
Old 05-21-2013, 10:57 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in struggling with abandonment issues. I'm right there with you. I do think it'll help to try to enjoy your time with him and not spend all of it talking about emotionally laden topics.
I'm sorry you're also going through this Hannah! I had some good talks with my other lover MrBrown (see previous posts) about the whole thing yesterday. He made me realize that what I wrote upthread:

I suppose to me it feels like our relationship has shifted and changed, but I am the only one who is struggling to find a new balance. He is struggling to find a balance in his relation with Molly, but seems to think that WE are 'okay', and that nothing has changed between us, where as for me it has.

is really a twisted way to think about it. It is my responsibility to find the new balance FOR ME. The fact that C is dealing with it differently does not really matter, I have to take care of me and of how I deal with it. The change is happening no matter what and there is nothing I can do about it. It is my false sense of power that is causing the most anxiety. But yeah, accepting the change is hard.. especially if you are not the one who made the choice to change things. I hope things will feel better for you soon.
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Old 05-21-2013, 07:03 PM
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I'm glad that you had such a great date with Mr. Brown. I think it helps, at least for me, to get out of my own head and enjoy what is going on around me instead of being so focused on my anxiety and problems that I don't enjoy the other people in my life. I'm also glad that Mr. Brown was able to give you some perspective on what's going on with C. Finding balance can be hard, especially when you're unsure if your desired balance is what the other person desires too. I hope you're able to find your balance soon.
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