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  #21  
Old 03-18-2013, 03:03 PM
westVan westVan is offline
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Default Its Over

I read and reread everyones advise here and took it
Contacted them and told them I needed to talk about the relationships and what I needed to go forward, .... at that point the relationship was ended by the wife.
you all have been very helpful with your advise and time.

Last edited by westVan; 03-18-2013 at 03:06 PM.
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  #22  
Old 03-18-2013, 07:32 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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*hugs* Good luck with the future. I'm sorry the relationship ended, but at the same time it's better than being taken advantage of! I hope in your next relationship you can be open about what your needs are and see them respected, and be an active part of decisions relating to you.
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  #23  
Old 03-19-2013, 05:27 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by westVan View Post
I read and reread everyones advise here and took it
Contacted them and told them I needed to talk about the relationships and what I needed to go forward, .... at that point the relationship was ended by the wife.
you all have been very helpful with your advise and time.
Good for you. That relationship sounded like a real crapper and I imagine you're better off without it. ('thank you' emails, lol)

I agree with Tonberry, use this as a learning experience and let it help you to foster a more mutually healthy relationship in the future.
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  #24  
Old 03-19-2013, 06:19 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Good riddance! You are better off. Now, start formulating your own personal boundaries so that you can ask your next potential partners whether or not they are willing to play by your guidelines. There is no way to negotiate if only one party has expectations!

Also, if you still think you want to be involved in poly arrangements in the future, keep reading this forum and http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html for insight.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-19-2013 at 06:28 PM.
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  #25  
Old 03-20-2013, 07:25 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
Okay going to play devil's advocate here. See, some married or just really long term couples, come into poly through not so honest means. Which means when they decide to try it honestly, there's already trust issues. Now as the new person in a relationship with one of them, that's totally not your fault. It does, however, mean that things typically go slower. That's what we had to do. Go slow, lots of communications.
Right. But that's onus on the husband, not the husband's girlfriend. Trust is built by giving small allowances bit by bit, and then checking whether or not they were abused. You give them a little rope, but not enough to hang themselves. How can you build trust if you don't leave any room for mistakes?

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Requiring thank you notes? Just how are you expressing genuine appreciation to your metamour if it is a requirement? What self-centered nonsense!
Do you think I can get that blender back from my brother-in-law? I never got a thank-you note, genuine or otherwise. Veto power for wedding gifts!
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  #26  
Old 05-21-2013, 12:07 AM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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Default Feeling like ranting a bit..

Even without meaning to, primaries are often controlling of the secondaries relationship. I have both a primary (husband) and a boyfriend. My bf has two primaries of his own that he lives with, though with the one, he shares more of the romantic side of things. The boyfriend and I have two pre-determined nights a week where we're allowed to see each other for maybe 3-4 hours each. Some of that time is spend alone but most of it IS NOT. There often is one or more mates in the same room as us sharing watching a show or whatever.

We get *maybe* 2 hours alone and only when we seclude ourselves to the bedroom. Even that time used to get interrupted until I had a bit of a fit about the lack of courtesy and knocking on doors. If we ever want to sneak in something not on the regular schedule we always must ask our primaries permission, making sure they're ok with it and that there's no hurt feelings or scheduling issue. I'm SO tired of feeling like they're the ones who get to decide when I can see my boyfriend I could scream.

We have NEVER had a sleepover, nor a vacation (or even a weekend getaway) together and we've been together for over 2.5 years. My husband can get a bit jealous even now sometimes and I find that my bf's wife can be a bit invasive on occasion. She doesn't mean anything by it but she really likes me and often wants to be a part of what we do. Since I don't get much alone time with him as is, I find this extremely hard to deal with. I love my boyfriend very much and I want him to continue to be a part of my life but it feels like our relationship will never grow into more, yet he and I both want it to. And that's a hard thing to swallow...

The needs and wants of the secondaries are often just not considered as important. The primaries don't need to check with the secondaries about anything but as secondaries, we can't go catch a freaking movie without clearing it with 3 people and possibly ending up having to take some of them along because they'd LOVE to go too. I wish that the considerations flowed both ways. My boyfriend means as much to me as my husband and I'm sure I do to him as well. But the reality is that we have to make do with what's left after our live-in mates and families are all happy and taken care of and we're supposed to be THANKFUL that we're allowed to even see each other. Geez, thanks, I guess..
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Last edited by nouryia; 05-21-2013 at 12:10 AM.
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  #27  
Old 05-21-2013, 01:18 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I'm sorry that scheduling is such a hard thing for all of you but I have to say I get really really tired of it being a lumped in problem. This is a problem in YOUR situation. It does not mean all primary partners are like that, it does not mean that people in established relationships automatically lord that over other people.

MY DH is mono and he works so incredibly hard to be a supportive partner and is more poly minded than a lot of poly folks I see around here! Yet I know he feels badly when these kinds of things get posted. So let's not just lump ALL primaries in one boat, or ALL established relationships.

It may FEEL like this is just how it is and must be how ALL secondary relationships are but it's not. Saying so is much like saying every time you've met a black person they've been rude so ALL black people are just rude. Or every gay man you meet is bitchy queen so ALL gay men are bitchy queens. Those kinds of all or nothings wouldn't fly so I don't think these all or nothing primary/secondary issues should either.


There, my rant.
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  #28  
Old 05-21-2013, 02:03 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
The needs and wants of the secondaries are often just not considered as important. The primaries don't need to check with the secondaries about anything but as secondaries, we can't go catch a freaking movie without clearing it with 3 people and possibly ending up having to take some of them along because they'd LOVE to go too. I wish that the considerations flowed both ways. My boyfriend means as much to me as my husband and I'm sure I do to him as well. But the reality is that we have to make do with what's left after our live-in mates and families are all happy and taken care of and we're supposed to be THANKFUL that we're allowed to even see each other. Geez, thanks, I guess..
And you are happy in this kind of arrangement?

At BEST that sounds like being an unappreciated employee, at worst it sounds like being a stray dog hanging around hoping to get fed.
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  #29  
Old 05-21-2013, 03:26 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Yeah, that sounds like a crap situation. Have you tried talking to everyone involved about your frustrations, and seeing if things can change?

"The primaries don't need to check with the secondaries about anything but as secondaries, we can't go catch a freaking movie without clearing it with 3 people and possibly ending up having to take some of them along because they'd LOVE to go too."

All of my relationships are secondary relationships and I go to the movies whenever I please, with whomever I like, without clearing it with anyone except myself. My partners are responsible for managing their own schedules. If they're free, great. If not, I find someone else to do things with, or I do my own thing. We fit time in where we can, there are no set schedules. The two of them that have busier lives share their google calendars with me, and I share mine with them, to make it easier for us to figure out when the other might be available. My married gf and I are going to do an overnight trip out of town as soon as she's comfortable spending a night away from her toddler.
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 05-21-2013 at 03:43 AM.
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  #30  
Old 05-21-2013, 04:15 AM
sterling119 sterling119 is offline
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I know that at least for out relationship needs and feelings matter equally. The key for us is communication. Myself and my wife are in a poly v with her being the "hinge". Her bf gets time alone with her and they do spend the night together, sometimes in our bed as it is more comfortable then his although it is only 1 room away. Time splitting is something we are working on but so far we have worked out a schedule that seems good for all. It may be a little different as he is only home weekends due to work but they get at least 1 night during the weekend together alone for the night and all 3 of us are very happy with it. We talk about what works and doesn't, no secerts are kept and we all know what is going on so for us at least feelings and needs matter all the way around. normally during the weekend we are all cuddled up on the couch and yes sometimes he gets some extra time with her if they feel the need but at least 1 night on the days he is home is in the plans.
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