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  #781  
Old 05-06-2013, 05:25 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Well! Alright! O_O

I've mentioned that Clay has three partners that he sees about once a week each -- those people are me, Izzy, and Nikki, who I hadn't yet mentioned by name. While he and Izzy have a serious, ILU type thing, he and Nikki are more casual. She's married and IDs as open, not poly. Still, things have been getting more intense between she and Clay lately, so who knows.

Nikki and I are both going to an event that Clay is running tonight. I messaged him to ask if his bed was already spoken for afterwards. He said that Nikki had expressed an interest in being in it for a couple of hours before going back to her place for the night, but that maybe all three of us could share it. I said I would be interested... she and I certainly don't know each other well, but we worked together to set up for another event last week, she seems very nice, and she's definitely hot. He checked with her, and she's interested too. She actually might also be interested in our kinky-threesome scene idea, we're all going to talk about it.

O_O

O_O

I guess we'll see!

(is it weird that the pseudonym that I originally decided to give her was Veronica, but that seemed too long so, in my head, Nikki is her pseudonym nickname?)
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 05-06-2013 at 11:59 PM.
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  #782  
Old 05-09-2013, 05:27 AM
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Follow-up to my last post --

The party that night was a learning-focused event, with a happy, diverse (always nice to see) crowd of people having fun and helping each other. Clay was still running the door when I arrived. Once he was free, he spent some time with me (we drew a small crowd), then spent some time with Nikki (they drew a large crowd, the stuff they were doing was much more unique and interesting, I don't have the skills for it yet). Good time management, Clay. ^_^

When his scene with Nikki was done and everyone else had cleared out of that particular room, Clay suggested that perhaps she and I would like to spend some time talking. We agreed that that seemed like an excellent idea, and he left us to it.

It was a great getting-to-know-you, negotiation conversation. I felt like we really laid everything on the table. She laid out a boundary or two relating to how she wanted to be touched, we each agreed that there were no jealousy issues to be concerned about. We spent a fair amount of time each discussing what we liked about our interactions with Clay (her dynamic with him is *very* different than mine). And we talked about the kinks we each wanted to engage in, and how we might manage to mesh them. It managed to be both a very relaxed and a very exciting talk.

All three of us went back to Clay's house. At first he was suggesting that we let go of one of the things Nikki had wanted to do, just for one evening, since it was going to make things more complicated. She and I were unanimous in insisting that we could incorporate it just fine, and I'm pleased to say that we were right. There was a lot of giggling, a lot of kissing. I went from thinking she seemed quite nice to actually really, really liking her... she was just so fun and playful and happy.

Suffice to say, we all had an excellent time. I may or may not post about it in more detail on my tumblr, I wrote her a message today asking if she'd mind if I did (in addition to Clay, another mutual acquaintance follows my blog, so I figured there was a chance she'd be uncomfortable with me describing our activities), and I'm waiting to hear back.

After it was all done, Clay walked her out, spent a few minutes taking to her (he reported back that she shared the same feeling as he and I did, that it was a splendid experience, and this was confirmed in a message she sent me the next day). Then he and I talked through what we'd done together before falling asleep in each other's arms.

In the morning, we made love. It was nothing but perfect, until about halfway through when he said something that I thought was out of line based on what we had discussed me being ok and not ok with. There was some blurriness there, it's not like he crossed a bright, red line, but I was still surprised and unhappy at the choice he'd made. He could tell immediately that I was upset and we paused what we were doing so he could apologize and we could spend a minute talking it out.

We kept fooling around after that, and parted very warmly, but the incident stuck with me. He messaged me a couple of hours later, and one of the first things he did was apologize again. I expended a lot of words explaining why, exactly, I'd been upset, and explaining my dilemma as to whether or not I wanted to ask him to never do that again. He took it on himself to pledge not to, which was really, in retrospect, what I think I'd wanted and needed -- for the issue of better protecting my limit around that particular topic to be something he actively chose, not something I had to request of him.

I'm still a little surprised at his mistake. But I also think I understand what he was thinking. Moreover, he's human... it's easy to paint him as perfect in my head when I've given him so much control over me, but nobody is. I'm proud of myself for speaking up, proud of him for admitting fault and taking responsibility for change, and proud of our relationship for being a safe space for us to talk about hard things. Can't wait to see him next week when he gets back from his trip.
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 05-09-2013 at 05:41 AM.
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  #783  
Old 05-10-2013, 11:36 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Well. Izzy took it upon herself to post on a public forum about what happened to her. I wasn't going to ask, but of course I'd been curious. Mainly, I'd wondered -- was it a client who hurt her or someone else?

Turns out it was a partner, someone she was living with in a triad. Mainly the abuse happened to her other partner and she ended up watching it. Lots of emotional badness, some physical near the end. She and the other partner finally left the abuser and live together just the two of them now.

I try to imagine how I'd feel, what I'd do if someone were hurting Gia or Davis or Clay. Then I stop trying to imagine that, because it's way too upsetting.
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  #784  
Old 05-20-2013, 05:17 PM
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Davis IDs as straight. Not narrow in the least, but 100% with the only-liking-ladies-ever. This has always been just a little weird for me... since I don't feel entiiiiirely like a woman all the time (not like a man either, idek), it's felt sometimes like his love for me is conditioned on something that I only qualify for based on a technicality.

I've brought it up once or twice over the years but haven't made a big deal of it because I haven't wanted him to feel like I don't respect his orientation. The other night, in bed together, we had this conversation:
"So, you only like women."
"Correct."
"Could you like a woman with a penis?"
"It'd be kind of weird, it'd take some getting used to. But yeah, I think so."
"Really?"
[in a voice that conveyed that he wasn't sure why this was a big deal] "Yeah."
"So, you'd still love me if I had a penis?"
[a little annoyed at me now for being so dense] "Yes, I'm not *shallow*."

<3 <3 <3
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  #785  
Old 05-22-2013, 05:10 PM
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Gia and I had a date to go to a class together on Sunday, with a couple of hours at my place budgeted afterwards. The class was pleasant. Afterwards, in my kitchen, I made us a snack and and we chatted about this and that. Finally, I asked the question that had been on my mind for days. I was pretty sure I knew the answer.

Me: "So, do you wanna go up to my room?"
Her: "Not this date, honey."

Ok.

No, not ok.

Me: "So, I was thinking about it and I realized it's been more than 6 months since we had sex just the two of us, not in a threesome. And that makes me really sad."
Her: "... I hadn't realized it had been that long. "
Me: "Do you think maybe you made a mistake? When you said all those things, at the dance party the other month, about desiring me again?"
Her: "No, that wasn't a mistake. It may have been stronger then because it was just starting but it's real."

She went on to tell me about how much anxiety she's been having recently. About how it's so much worse because I mean so much to her. How she had to force down multiple panic attacks to go on this date at all. How she's here because it's exactly where she wants to be but it's so hard. It's easy with Dexter because it doesn't mean anything in the end. They don't talk about feelings. He's moving out of the country some time this summer. She's very calm with him, and of course with Eric. So, when they're there it's easier to engage with me too.

She thinks I'm beautiful, she wants me, but she needs plenty of time to relax into my presence in order to be physical without freaking out, and we rarely have that time. Knowing how much it means to me makes it worse. Everything that makes it important, makes it meaningful, also makes it worse.

We talked about some things that could make it easier. Scheduling longer dates. Doing more S&M play (it both relaxes her and turns me on, kind of ideal). Being very explicit and specific about small steps (ex. "Would you like to cuddle and maybe make out a little?" instead of "Would you like to go to my room?"). She's going to try a new anti-anxiety medication soon, that may help.

We ended up cuddling on my bed and kissing a little as we talked things through, with the very clear understanding that nothing else was going to happen that evening. I drove her home, then hung out at her place for a while, and we continued to talk. We explored what makes this relationship worthwhile for her, for me. Is it too hard? In what ways is what we're going through similar to things she and Eric went through (a lot of ways, as it turns out)?

In the end, she said that she has to take it week by week, that she can't talk about the future of our relationship because she feels like her life changes too rapidly. I said that I accepted that, but that I have faith in her and in us, and would polygamously gay-marry her tomorrow if she wanted (and if that were legal). She smiled very sweetly at that.

That night, I wrote a very long tumblr post, reflecting on all the ways that I know she loves me and I love her. She re-blogged it and affirmed that she really does.

Oh, sweetheart. I wish I could take all your burdens from you. I only want to make your life better, never harder. I can't change the fact that touch is my primary love language, I can't pretend it doesn't matter to me and I know you wouldn't want me to. I hate the thought that I might make you feel pressured. I love you, love you so much. I believe that we will work through this. I believe that we will only get stronger. Things have already gotten so much better than they were a year ago or two years ago. I believe that we are worth it to each other. I love you.
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  #786  
Old 05-22-2013, 07:57 PM
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Annabel, I really empathize with you. Best wishes.
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  #787  
Old 05-22-2013, 08:14 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I think it's awesome that you keep rolling with things, and fight down disappointment and focus on the good stuff. My primary love language is touch, and my husbands is anything but, so I think reading this latest post about Gia helps remind me that it's OK, if not ideal, to not be able to connect to partners in the way you want all the time.

Also *envy* at all the funsexytimes, I'm finally dating somebody who has some overlap in the kink interests I have, but I'm saturated at 3 partners and I'm even now more aware of all the things I like that I just might never get. I don't think you're not aware how lucky you are, but I just wanted to point it out again
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  #788  
Old 05-24-2013, 05:12 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by evad View Post
Annabel, I really empathize with you. Best wishes.
Thanks, Evad.

Gia has an on-and-off physical condition that's exacerbated by stress. The other day, it went into overdrive to the point that it's kind of incapacitating her with pain. She should be better in a few days, but... ugh, wow, I know there's other stuff going on with her, that stuff with Eric stresses her out, that being unemployed stresses her out, but I also know that our conversation stressed her out a lot, and, yeah, guilt. I mentioned it, she said it was ok, that relationships have their needs. If I'd thought I might be contributing to the way she feels now, I would've found a different time/place/way to talk about it.
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  #789  
Old 05-24-2013, 05:19 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I think it's awesome that you keep rolling with things, and fight down disappointment and focus on the good stuff. My primary love language is touch, and my husbands is anything but, so I think reading this latest post about Gia helps remind me that it's OK, if not ideal, to not be able to connect to partners in the way you want all the time.

Also *envy* at all the funsexytimes, I'm finally dating somebody who has some overlap in the kink interests I have, but I'm saturated at 3 partners and I'm even now more aware of all the things I like that I just might never get. I don't think you're not aware how lucky you are, but I just wanted to point it out again
Thanks! Yeah, we're not always going to match up perfectly with our partners... it's one of the things that I like best about poly, feeling like it takes the unrealistic pressure off of a romantic relationship to be perfectly fulfilling in every way.

It would be impossible for me to forget how lucky I am.

I was thinking about Clay earlier today, and how I could half-believe that the universe just decided that we'd been doing good work lately, and gave us to each other as a mutual reward.

Three partners really IS enough, imho. That said, if more partners are off the table, one could still fit in a casual encounter every once in a while, eh? I do hope you can find a way to try the things you haven't yet tried.
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  #790  
Old 05-24-2013, 05:34 AM
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At my suggestion, Clay and I are experimenting with anal play. I just posted about our first foray in great detail on my tumblr. It's... wow. I didn't expect to enjoy it so much. Afterwards, I felt so incredibly close to him. Like if I found just the right way to line my body up with his and hold him, we'd click together like two puzzles pieces.

As we were falling asleep, I started touching him, running my hands along his body, gently squeezing, exploring, taking his skin between my teeth and applying just enough pressure for him to feel me doing it, running my fingers through his hair and holding without pulling. I asked him, as I started doing these things, if it was ok, and he told me it was wonderful, that it made him feel sexy and loved. Every inch of him is so precious to me.

Occasionally it still feels crazy to feel so much love and devotion for someone I've known for two and a half months. Mostly, though, it just feels good. I know I'm still idealizing him, and this, I must be. This is NRE still, and it'll mellow in time. For now, though... the way he laughs, the way his mind works, the attention he pays to things, the way he says my name, how fucking skilled he is at the things he's set his mind to, the way I can see the tension melt out of him when I touch him, how grateful he is for it, how much focus and intensity he gives me...

Just, wow y'all.
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