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  #31  
Old 05-19-2013, 12:31 PM
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I think GalaGirls on to something with the printing it out and handing it over. I have no ability to voice feelings so I write my feelings in texts to my SO. He gets the texts and takes over the emotional train with what I mentioned in another post, our emotional bingo.
He goes though feelings and I say yay or nay on if I feel them.
Either way, IMO, it needs to be addressed.
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  #32  
Old 05-19-2013, 06:58 PM
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I thought alot of the problem was his gf or wife? Not that it was him completely?

You have Plenty of people here to talk to regarding being poly. You don't NEED to keep him around as a poly friend, you WANT to keep him around to keep in contact with him. Be honest with yourself...
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  #33  
Old 05-23-2013, 10:57 AM
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Had the conversation with the ex... going to need to have another one, or a series of them.

It was lovely to see him, and he was very interested in hearing about all the things I'd read and learned about polyamory (neither of us had done any of this reading and learning before our relationship). He was interested in hearing about all the models of open/poly relationships and the differences between them and my preferences.

He tells me that his GF was NOT delighted that he and I had broken up... she had a kind of non-reaction. He feels that their relationship is "getting worse" again, because he's not happy.

He considers that the biggest challenge for him is that when it comes to their relationship being open, there is "nothing in it for her". She is mono, straight, and close to asexual.

I told him that I had come to the realization that poly cannot work unless EACH person (not just the members of the open couple) is getting all their needs met, or at least working toward that. We tried to talk through what each person's needs are... mine, his, and hers, and what the "ideal world" would be for each of the three.

The stumbling block is always that HER ideal world is: for him to hurry up and get older and grow out of his libido, so that she doesn't need to have sex with him AND he doesn't need male and female partners.

One thing he said toward the end that was interesting was that he was sad that I walked away at a time when he felt that our relationship was "progressing". Whereas, having been told their terms and what was permitted, my view of our relationship was that there was no potential for any kind of progression -- i saw it as a dead-end street. But he was hoping he'd be able to convince his GF to loosen her rules as he demonstrated, over time, that her trust in him (and me) was justified.

I would like to talk with him some more.
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  #34  
Old 05-23-2013, 12:43 PM
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The stumbling block is always that HER ideal world is: for him to hurry up and get older and grow out of his libido, so that she doesn't need to have sex with him AND he doesn't need male and female partners.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry... Wishing ED on a guy! How old are they, anyway? Lots of guys are still virile into their 70s...
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  #35  
Old 05-23-2013, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I don't know whether to laugh or cry... Wishing ED on a guy! How old are they, anyway? Lots of guys are still virile into their 70s...


Well technically it's possible for a male to experience erectile dysfunction yet still be horny and want sex with men/women/whatever. But yeah that is pretty twisted that people aspire to a future where the "ideal" is for one's partner to be as miserable as oneself.

Why the OP wants to be part of this, i do not understand.
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  #36  
Old 05-23-2013, 12:54 PM
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Well technically it's possible for a male to experience erectile dysfunction yet still be horny and want sex with men/women/whatever. But yeah that is pretty twisted that people aspire to a future where the "ideal" is for one's partner to be as miserable as oneself.

Why the OP wants to be part of this, i do not understand.
Yes, you're right. ED does not equal lack of libido. I misspoke. Growing out of any interest in sex... when does that happen for a guy? In his 80s? Death?

As I said, I was in this exact same scenario once, bi guy, jealous wife. I was however, finally allowed to meet her, and after I did, that is when wifey brought the veto hammer down, and hubby was told he could only have men, and no feelings allowed! I was actually so repulsed by their dynamic I was glad to be well out of it all.
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  #37  
Old 05-23-2013, 04:12 PM
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Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
It was lovely to see him. . . He feels that their relationship is "getting worse" again, because he's not happy.

He considers that the biggest challenge for him is that when it comes to their relationship being open, there is "nothing in it for her". She is mono, straight, and close to asexual.

I told him that I had come to the realization that poly cannot work unless EACH person (not just the members of the open couple) is getting all their needs met, or at least working toward that. We tried to talk through what each person's needs are... mine, his, and hers, and what the "ideal world" would be for each of the three.
It sounds like she was not present, correct? So, you were still hearing about her needs through him? Hmmm.

Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
The stumbling block is always that HER ideal world is: for him to hurry up and get older and grow out of his libido, so that she doesn't need to have sex with him AND he doesn't need male and female partners.
And he stays with her because...??? Oh, yeah, she must be such a kind, generous, loving person to feel this way. WTF?

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Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
One thing he said toward the end that was interesting was that he was sad that I walked away at a time when he felt that our relationship was "progressing". Whereas, having been told their terms and what was permitted, my view of our relationship was that there was no potential for any kind of progression -- i saw it as a dead-end street. But he was hoping he'd be able to convince his GF to loosen her rules as he demonstrated, over time, that her trust in him (and me) was justified.

I would like to talk with him some more.
I wonder why you want to see him again. It's very clear to me that she still has him by the short hairs and you will always be frustrated and dissatisfied in any relationship with him. Seriously, gather up all your self-esteem and take the high road the hell outta there as fast as you can. You're wasting time and energy on a situation that obviously will never give you what you want, when you could be open to other possibilities out there. Y'know, when one door closes another door opens...
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  #38  
Old 05-24-2013, 02:27 AM
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Well, maybe it reads that way (that I'll never get what I want from this guy), but the conversation didn't feel that way at all.

What it seems like to me instead is that this couple are beginners. He (I'll call him Tim) said to his girlfriend (I'll call her Anna), "I want to have another partner who is a woman, not a man". She agreed, thinking he'd have a hard time finding a girlfriend and so she didn't really have to worry about it; and then bam, he found me very quickly. They didn't get around to doing the talking that they should have done, back when they should have done it. She preferred (and still prefers) to ignore this completely and not think about it. He hates to bring the subject up, because it just upsets her for no good reason, since there's nothing in it for her.

We are all the same age (mid-forties). And we are all pretty similar personalities; introverted, conflict-avoidant, polite. He actually thinks that Anna would feel less resistant if she met me, but she doesn't want to, and no-one is going to force her to.

He tells me that when it comes to my complaints about my needs not being met, that he never really took the time to think about my needs at all. He was just so excited that Anna consented to this, and so he jumped in blindly. We met, I agreed to go out with him, he took my agreement at face value, and now that I've told him "oops, no", that I don't like the terms, he is open to thinking about my terms, and to try get Anna to listen to them.

But of course, that's a challenge, because she's not interested in hearing about any of this. I'm his problem, not hers. And while Tim's motivated to keep me happy and keep me around, Anna couldn't give a flying f*ck.

So he has asked that I be a little tolerant, and let their talking catch up to my thinking, because they are new to this poly thing and don't yet know what they're doing.

I think that sounds sincere and honest, not hopeless.
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  #39  
Old 05-24-2013, 02:36 AM
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The fact that his girlfriend agreed to poly only because she thought it would never come to fruition, and then pretends it isn't happening, and chooses to ignore your existence, should tell you something. SHE DOES NOT ACTUALLY CONSENT!!! She will likely never be okay with it, and she will always try to keep him from any emotional involvement whatsoever. Her agreement was obviously a manipulation, done out of fear of losing him, but it was not a willingness to consent. SHE DOES NOT WANT POLY. And it isn't poly if all parties do not want it.

No matter how hot he is, besides the fact that he doesn't seem able to make his own decisions, do you really want to get involved with someone whose partner is not fully consenting and okay with it? Seriously? Don't you have enough self-esteem to walk away from a trainwreck when you see it? Oh, wait a minute -- you are refusing to see it. Oh well, I guess if you want to keep the blindfold on while you walk off the edge of a cliff, no one can stop you. Good luck with that.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-24-2013 at 02:41 AM.
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