Time to share...
Some backstory on me, and how I got here...
I was a relationship junky. In and out of long term (2-3 year) relationships, one after another, for as long as I have been dating. I was never single. I see a lot to love in people, and I am easily satisfied with my mates I suppose. I like having an outlet for my affections (Who doesn't?!)
One year ago I ruined the best relationship of my life with (who I thought was honestly) my soul mate, B. I said I would never be married, I don't imagine myself as a house wife and I don't want children. I have unconventional views of society and this is where most of my previous relationships reached their end. But we were on the same page about a lot of things, and I eventually saw myself with him until I died, married or not. We had a beautiful connection. When we got together we lived on opposite ends of the country. I moved across country for him because I wanted to be with B and start a life with him. This was a HUGE sacrifice to me, one I took in stride and looked at with excitement instead of fear or resentment. This quickly changed. I was here 2 months only and he then took a job in another province. This was supposed to be temporary. We were together for 3 years, all 3 of which were long distance. This would be hard enough for a normal couple. But I am not a normal person...
We had not talked about my bisexuality yet with him being gone and me not interested in anyone, I guess I didn't see the point in bringing up the topic. Our relationship was still blossoming, we did not know much about each other as far as living together was concerned, but we talked for hours in his absence over the phone. I had no idea how he would react, even though we were likeminded in a lot of things, we were set on building a life together but he was very conventional as far as relationships are concerned. I guess I had it on the backburner because I was still concerning myself with HIM. At this point, we were together for 1 year and living in our own townhouse for only 8 months.
He found out about my interest in women when I called him one day to say "I may end up sleeping with this girl" and I needed his permission because I was trying SO HARD with him to NOT cheat and betray as I had in the past. I confessed to him in one run on sentence that SURPRISE I was bi I was in love with a new beauty, R. I could hear him smiling through the phone. Through this infatuation B and I discussed (for the first time in my life) the ways I felt I might be polyamorous, and my desire to have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend. He knew everything about me, except this. He was open to the idea, and saw no harm in it. He knew his absence in my life would be hard to cope with, and he accepted that I needed an outlet for my affections and all the love I have to give.
B let me go after R, and we had our fun, nothing too serious or ongoing. But this progressed to deeper conversations of my long term wants and his tucked away fantasies. He was happy with my honesty and I was feeling free for the first time to BE ME, happiest when shared it seems.
And then B let me have what I have always wanted, to be the center of a beautiful Vee.
B accepted me wanting a long-term girlfriend, and he supported my quest. I found J. She was "to keep me happy" while B was away. They never met, they only knew of each other from what I shared pictures I showed, etc. This went on wonderfully for 7 months. There were no issues of jealousy and I did my best to make sure I wasn't neglecting my primary relationship in any way. B WAS my priority, even though he was always gone.
When B was home it was playtime and excursions and home in bed and lots of love and happiness building on our foundation for a life together. J was intimacy on a whole new level for me, friendship and understanding. There weren't many rules imposed on us by B, he did not want to put us into a box, this was still new to him as well. J understood me, what I wanted; I opened up to her about a lot of stuff I have always struggled with. In a sense she was like me, she wanted to have a man on the side of me as well and she never made me justify my feelings or my (sometimes “irrational”) desires.
I finally felt like I was complete, with my amazing man and my beautiful woman at my side, and I saw myself happy for a long, long time. (I never entered into a relationship without intention of carrying it through to its end, no matter how long or short that may be; I used to think long-term about everything).
Then devastation hit the core of my heart when J's job took her to Australia, far away from me. Although I did my best to keep these emotions out of sight and just accept that her life was going in another direction it affected my relationship with B in that I was all ALONE again. She would be gone for ONE year. He was still gone indefinitely. 8 months had turned into 2.5 years, and I was begging him to come home, but he had personal goals he was trying to achieve as well. I tried to stay supportive, but I suddenly found myself lonely and looking for ''filler'' relationships with women looking for momentary release. J was impossible to replace. I began hiding these encounters from him, against all our talk of honesty and openness I was falling back on my old ways of personal secrecy and detachment.
Finally I became close with a guy, JK, who I met sharing one of my hobbies. We became inseparable, spending every other day together. This began an episode of jealousy from B, even though he wasn’t around to witness our relationship first hand. I should have addressed the issue then, but this is hindsight. We travelled out of town and we ended up becoming intimate in B's absence in a hotel room, after drinking, against all of my hard work for honesty and my commitment to B. Of course B found out. I am a terrible liar he could see it on my face and he went crazy SPY vs SPY on me, hacking my computer, key logging all my chats He did these things because he had issues in the past with a cheating girlfriend, and he was trying to put an end to it before it got going. My relationship crumbled out from underneath my feet. I was forced to choose B or JK. I could not have both. After 3 years long distance we hardly knew each other enough to be able to deal with such a HUGE problem in our relationship. I began sleeping in the guest room and he threatened to move out if I didn't go to counselling. We ended up going to one session only and he moved out anyway.
My friends (now our MUTUAL friends) were thrown into the mix, I was begging anyone who would listen for a morsel of understanding but they wouldn't have any of it. They told me to lose JK if I wanted to keep my relationship with B. I felt like this was unfair! How could I lose a friend (who I had a very deep connection to) for B when B wasn’t even willing to come home for me!? They simply did not understand because the whole story wasn't aired out, mostly because of my embarrassment at ruining such a wonderful relationship and my desire (at the time) to keep my polyamorous affairs a secret from my friends.
I only recently came out to two of them, telling them I am bisexual. It was essential I explain to them how our relationship fell apart, in hindsight, so that they could try to help me recover. I have felt overwhelming anxiety over the loss of this relationship, and I needed my friends to show me where I was failing myself. But in the end I felt as though they were failing me as friends, choosing him over me. Their argument was “he didn’t do anything to us! He is a good guy, why should we lose him as a friend?!” This crushed me even more because the man I so desperately wanted to repair what I had broken with would not give me the time of day, yet my friends of 14 years got to see him weekly, or every other day. I have tried to reconcile with B but there is so much anger and resentment that we cannot go without a fight.
It is one year later. I am still seeing JK, although I cannot for the first time in my life commit to a relationship with him. He keeps pressing me and wants to move in together but I am not ready. I won’t even call myself his girlfriend! I know this hurts him, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.
At times I feel he is my only friend, the only one left standing next to me and my pile of rubble. I feel this pressure is too great, that he is the cause of my failed relationship yet in so many ways he is also the source of my happiness. I can’t count the times he has picked me up and dusted me off and try to help me try again. He tries hard to give me what I need, and we have had several talks about how I think I am polyamorous. Like most men, he is able to accept the idea of me being with women but the idea of another man is unforgiveable. I can see this being problematic, even though I have no desires to be with any other man at this current time in my life, and I just can’t get over the idea that I want to be single for now without the responsibility of an actual relationship. He knows he is free to seek comfort elsewhere, if he feels it is what he needs, and I support and understand this.
(incomplete - Part 2 to follow)
Where is the hurry?
It is very pleasant to stand here talking; and life is so short and insecure that I would not hurry away from any pleasures - no, not even from one so mild as this.