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  #21  
Old 05-17-2013, 03:21 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Another guy who sees sex as something men do TO women instead of WITH women... or A woman... You know what i mean.

I still think that his "no" means "no" even if he gets to the root of all his issues. He's just "maybe-we'll-see-let's-try-ing" because he doesn't want to lose you. Some people are just not compatible with nonmonogamy. It's like, i'm afraid of heights. It isn't intellectual or rational. It's a physical feeling that i get even if i'm standing behind a wall or a window, i feel like something will pull me over the edge if i stand too close. So i don't go bungee jumping or mountain climbing. I realize people get over "phobias" all the time, but sometimes it just isn't worth putting oneself through it. I could go swimming or skating instead! It's that way with careers, education, relationships, etc.

Besides, if he's eavesdropping on you ALREADY, imagine what it will be like when you ARE talking to "some other guy".
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  #22  
Old 05-17-2013, 07:51 PM
zombiecupcake zombiecupcake is offline
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I want to thank everyone for all of their insight on this topic. Being as I dont really know anyone personally its hard to open up with anyone about it to get any opinions, so truly I thank all of you.

Tonight we are going out and plan on stopping and picking up one of the books that was recommended and reading them together. Yesterday when my husband got home from work we sat and talked some more. He said he understands, as he puts it, my longing for another companion, and if its truly something that I want then he would like to look further into it and possibly explore the option. He said he isnt sure how he feels about having a companion of his own, but he feels at least us talking about it and considering it will help him possibly get past his fears.

He did say that he struggles so much because hes always felt he "married up" and that I was way out of his league and all of his guy friends have always made that comment when they have met me. He says he feels Im going to meet some other man that is better looking then him or drives a better car and has a better job, and im going to leave him and the life we have together. I understand where he is coming from and understand his fears. I want us to be able to continue working on these fears and being open and communicate about them. Does it mean we will be poly anytime in the near future... I dont know, but at least for now we are opening up about how we feel. I can honestly say its the most honest Ive ever seen my husband.
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  #23  
Old 05-18-2013, 02:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zombiecupcake View Post
. . . He said he understands, as he puts it, my longing for another companion, and if its truly something that I want then he would like to look further into it and possibly explore the option. He said he isnt sure how he feels about having a companion of his own, but he feels at least us talking about it and considering it will help him possibly get past his fears.

He did say that he struggles so much because hes always felt he "married up" and that I was way out of his league and all of his guy friends have always made that comment when they have met me. He says he feels Im going to meet some other man that is better looking then him or drives a better car and has a better job, and im going to leave him and the life we have together.
It is wonderful that he is letting you see how insecure he is deep down, and taking such a risk to be that vulnerable with you. Be sure to acknowledge him for that. He sounds like a good, thoughtful man who is willing to look at what makes him tick. Even if you stay monogamous, the communication about this stuff and all the deeper feelings it dredges up, is going to benefit you both so much! Good job at letting him know he is safe to talk about these difficult feelings with you.
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  #24  
Old 05-18-2013, 02:15 AM
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I applaud you two for proceeding so slowly, and for all your honesty.

Your husband has similarities to my ex. Even though were lived mono, I was poly at heart. (This is all long ago, we met in 1974... I always just thought I was a terrible slut, until I read Opening Up in 1999.)

He had low self esteem and thought he'd married up as well. He was extremely jealous and got pissed off if I so much as talked to another man. Never mind flirted, which by my nature I did now and then, mildly. I never cheated.

However, finally, we rather rushed into opening up, had some good talks, he thought he'd like some new pussy, and like noobie idiots, went unicorn hunting. Found one, she was into him, not me, I vetoed after a few months of not being able to stand their overwhelming feelings for each other, then he resented me for having done that.

Finally we split, but for many reasons, not really over intimacy with others.

Anyway, that is my cautionary tale. At least your h must feel his cock is big enough, if he's more worried about his car and his "looks" not being good enough for ya! My ex was good looking enough and his cock and bedroom skills were terrific (he knew this), but he feared abandonment and being alone I guess... every male on earth was competition to him. He'd have kept me in a cage if I wasn't so assertive and confident!
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me: Mags, 58, living with:
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my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
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  #25  
Old 05-20-2013, 06:23 AM
zombiecupcake zombiecupcake is offline
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Well, my husband and I spent weekend together. We talked a few times and he's been reading with me.

He's become very adamant that as long as him and I are doing well intimately and our relationship is solid, he feels comfortable with me finding a companion but at this time he has no desire to do the same. He said he just doesn't want me bringing it up unless he asks (in regards to if I had a steady companion and who he/she is). All he's said is that after thinking about it, this has been something I've wanted since before we ever married so he doesn't see it as a threat of me meeting someone and requesting it because I don't want to feel like I'm cheating.

I'm not really sure how to feel about it. Is this normal? Part of me is exciting he is being open to the idea but another part of me worries how he will be if I did find a companion. I know feelings will be brought to the surface. I guess I'm not sure how to proceed.
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  #26  
Old 05-20-2013, 11:48 AM
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Well, it's a start. But how would that work, not telling him anything unless he asks? Say you've met someone and you're chatting online, or on the phone, or making a date, or have a date planned? You don't say anything until he asks?

I guess he wants the "don't ask, don't tell" to prevent his own jealousy. But he will have to know of course, if you meet a Mr X and have a date planned? How would that play out? You just say, "Honey, I'm going out. See you in the morning," and wait for him to ask, who with?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
Robin, 60 (mono)
and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s
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  #27  
Old 05-20-2013, 12:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zombiecupcake View Post
He's become very adamant that as long as him and I are doing well intimately and our relationship is solid, he feels comfortable with me finding a companion but at this time he has no desire to do the same.
Oka-a-a-ayyy... But to me that makes it sound like your relationship magically is or isn't solid all by itself, when it's up to you both to work on that, or that "doing well intimately" is going to be up to you. It sort of sounds like an ultimatum to me. I think you both need to talk about how that "well" and "solid" state is going to be maintained by both of you. Like, for instance, time management if and when you are out with someone else. How will he take care of his own well-being, and what would he expect from you? You both need to support each other in this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zombiecupcake View Post
He said he just doesn't want me bringing it up unless he asks (in regards to if I had a steady companion and who he/she is).
Well, I don't see how that's going to work. Especially because it isn't like you're just going to stand on a corner, announce to the world that you're poly, and then instantly find yourself in another "steady" relationship. For a start, there will be socializing to meet people, getting dressed up and ready to go out on dates, then being out with people for hours at a time, emotions to deal with whenever you're excited or disappointed about someone else, making time to communicate with your dates/lovers (texting, phone calls,etc.), issues about spending money to date others, and the process it takes to get to know someone and see if it's a relationship you want to invest in and take seriously - how can you keep all that to yourself?

DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell) policies really are impractical and don't actually do what they are meant to accomplish - which is basically for one person to put blinders on and pretend their partner isn't with anyone else. It's much better to step into this with knowledge and awareness, so that you all can deal with things as they come up. No, sharing details of what you do sexually is not necessary, but you should be able to freely talk about whatever is happening and who is important in your life. To restrict that is to squash you, and negate your autonomy as a human being.

Besides, he should be aware of what you are doing and where you are going, for safety reasons.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zombiecupcake View Post
I'm not really sure how to feel about it. Is this normal? Part of me is exciting he is being open to the idea but another part of me worries how he will be if I did find a companion. I know feelings will be brought to the surface. I guess I'm not sure how to proceed.
How to proceed is to just keep talking and eventually come up with guidelines.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 05-20-2013 at 12:34 PM.
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  #28  
Old 05-20-2013, 02:34 PM
zombiecupcake zombiecupcake is offline
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I tried expressing that im not comfortable with a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. He says all I need to say, for example is "im going out Friday, ill be back around x, call if you need me" I don't like that. I want this to be a shared experience, not a don't ask don't tell policy. That just doesn't seem beneficial to either one of us. I understand he doesn't want to hear about sexual encounters, but I feel I should be able to share my happiness that I enjoy spending time with a specific person or just anything. It still makes me feel like im a possession and hes allowing me to get away with something that really I shouldn't but hes allowing it as long as I don't talk about it
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  #29  
Old 05-21-2013, 05:43 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Could pay attention to the nonverbal and the paraverbal and not just the verbal. If his mouth is saying "It is ok" verbally but everything else is screaming "NO!" -- could not go there at this time.

When you get mixed signals? Could ignore the "talk" and believe more in the the "walk." Be nicer if he had the skills/strength so he could talk the talk and walk the walk and have both of them match.

But "talk" is nothing without substance to back it up. If he's got "talk" but "wobbling walk?" Could keep talking it out but don't actually try any openings right now.

I don't know if reading my blog thoughts on that helps you or not. I certainly empathize. You want to be able to share emotional intimacy with your DH about a part of your life that is important to you and he's basically not wanting to hear any of that. It can feel like rejection.

Sigh. Hang in there.
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Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-21-2013 at 05:47 AM.
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  #30  
Old 05-21-2013, 02:46 PM
elle elle is offline
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Thanks for the great links on this thread.

My husband and I are learning to understand each other as well.

As Galagirl has mentioned in other threads, one of the hardest things is when a partner has assumptions about the marriage ('we're married so that's it, marriage means monogamous'), or like me, I am just finally realizing that I've always been non-monogamous and how to reconcile that with my marriage. My husband feels like I've sprung something on him, I think.

Right now, I just need my husband to understand me, but that doesn't mean I need to act on it.

The funny thing is, I'm not really any different than I ever have been, but the up front discussions and honesty about it makes him crazy!! Although he has never really been a jealous or insecure person in the past.

So a lot of what you're talking about resonates with me and all the discussion is helpful.
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