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  #1  
Old 05-16-2013, 08:00 PM
crystalandb crystalandb is offline
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Question How to know if someone is Poly

I understand there is no way to know for sure if someone is poly without asking but I am wondering if anyone has experience with this and has tips.

So, my husband and I are new to the poly lifestyle, like we haven't even meet anyone yet. Anyway, I am married to my best friend. We talk about everything together. We have a couple who we are best friends with. The wife is my best friend and the husband is his. It is no secret that the wife flirts with my husband and my husband flirts with her. It also is very obvious that the husband is attracted to me and I to him. We don't flirt because we are both very shy (the husband and I). My husband and I talk about it all the time and find it cute. Anyway, we haven't told anyone that we are poly because we are new and just trying to completely understand what we want. It is frustrating because there is so much tension between us but I don't want to ask because I value our friendship and I don't want to scare them off. We all have been flirting with each other's spouses for over a year and in front of each other too.

So the question: Does anyone have any tips on how to find out if they are poly without asking? They are are best friends and we love them. we do not want to scare them off or make it awkward around them. To add to the confusion we all attend church together. Any tips, advise, or experience would help. Thanks
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Old 05-16-2013, 08:25 PM
JustUs JustUs is offline
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I am not sure you can actually find out if someone or a couple are poly unless you are aware if either of them are in a relationship with someone in addition to their spouse or just asking them straight out.

Sounds like all 4 of you are very comfortable with each one flirting with the other SO and it sounds like you all hangout with each other a lot in a friendly setting. Would you and your husband be comfortable enough telling the other couple that you are poly, but without expectations of developing a relationship beyond the friendship you all have?

Or bringing poly up casually over drinks, say you and your husband are considering it and ask the other couple what their thoughts are on poly relationships are, just to see their reaction. If you feel a sense of comfortableness on the subject, than just kind move onto a new conversation.

I do have to admit, from all the flirting that goes on between all of you, bringing up the topic of poly may open all new doors for you all. Might be worth talking about.
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Old 05-16-2013, 08:40 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Maybe they are wondering the same exact thing about you.
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Old 05-16-2013, 08:45 PM
crystalandb crystalandb is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustUs View Post
I am not sure you can actually find out if someone or a couple are poly unless you are aware if either of them are in a relationship with someone in addition to their spouse or just asking them straight out.

Sounds like all 4 of you are very comfortable with each one flirting with the other SO and it sounds like you all hangout with each other a lot in a friendly setting. Would you and your husband be comfortable enough telling the other couple that you are poly, but without expectations of developing a relationship beyond the friendship you all have?

Or bringing poly up casually over drinks, say you and your husband are considering it and ask the other couple what their thoughts are on poly relationships are, just to see their reaction. If you feel a sense of comfortableness on the subject, than just kind move onto a new conversation.

I do have to admit, from all the flirting that goes on between all of you, bringing up the topic of poly may open all new doors for you all. Might be worth talking about.


Great idea. My husband and I will have to try to bring up something on the subject to test their reactions. It is so nerve racking.
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Old 05-16-2013, 08:46 PM
JustUs JustUs is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Maybe they are wondering the same exact thing about you.
I was thinking the same thing. Sounds to me like everyone is waiting for someone to make the first move!
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Old 05-16-2013, 09:09 PM
crystalandb crystalandb is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustUs View Post
I was thinking the same thing. Sounds to me like everyone is waiting for someone to make the first move!
Thank you both. I sure hope so.
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Old 05-16-2013, 09:12 PM
JustUs JustUs is offline
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Good Luck, Let us know how it goes!
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Old 05-16-2013, 09:15 PM
crystalandb crystalandb is offline
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Thank you. Will do
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Old 05-17-2013, 02:59 AM
nllswing nllswing is offline
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Whatever your approach is, just make sure not to scare them. I'd avoid any "label" words, such as "poly."

Maybe they are interested more in "play" as understood by swingers than "poly" like in "let's form a quad." Many folks who actually practice some form of poly are scared of the word and won't touch it with a 10 ft. pole.
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Old 05-19-2013, 10:13 AM
Oly1 Oly1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nllswing View Post
Whatever your approach is, just make sure not to scare them. I'd avoid any "label" words, such as "poly."
I agree. Like any word, "poly" may come with misconceptions and meanings that are not necessarily the same for them as for you. And much like the word "gay" or "lesbian", people are often scared of the label despite living the life. This often changes with time, but a less confining word (e.g "open relationship") may be better for the initial approach.

I would discuss monogamy instead of "poly", to see if they subscribe to myths like "If you truly love someone you only have eyes for them", and feel your way from there. Maybe they sense monogamy isn't right for them, but were never exposed to the idea of poly, so throwing the word "polyamory" in the discussion (without mentioning you are), and leaving the rest to their googling skills might go a long way. These are two great videos/ researchers who can help ignite such a discussion:

Helen Fisher: http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fishe...ove_cheat.html
Esther Perel:
http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_pere...ationship.html

One more thing- some words of caution. It sounds a little like you are expecting an "either or" kind of answer. There are many possibilities in between. They could be totally poly, experienced and wishing for a quad. They could also be totally mono and are just easy going on flirtations. One of them could be pushing for poly while the other is hesitant. They could be at the exact same stage you are in in your "poly development", or they could be in a much more early or late stage in their process. Just remember all the options and prepare for everything, and don't get carried away in wishful thinking.

Part of why I'm saying this is that me and wife recently got into a bad situation after she started flirting with another married lesbian, and I supported the development. We we're both wishfully-thinking the other couple was also open/poly. By the time we figured out they aren't, a relationship had already developed and my wife found herself having an affair with a cheater. Which was not the type of "open relationship" I/we hoped for.

So be very careful, and clear between yourselves about acceptable boundaries, what to do if you are openly asked what your status is, what's acceptable if only one of the other couple approaches you and so on. And take it slow, the transition from words to actions is very hard, even when you totally believe in the poly ideal.

Good luck!
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30, lesbian, my wife- R, together 8 years, wife's "something"- C, cheating on her wife with R + others
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