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  #261  
Old 05-17-2013, 12:17 AM
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Default Yes, I'm actually posting.

So where to start and what to say? The emotional roller coaster has slowed. I'm sleeping and eating and breathing again. This whole poly thing is such an unusual journey. Just when you think you know how to do it something will come out of nowhere and completely change things for you.

Our tribe is going through some rather dramatic changes. I'm still not sure where things will end up. I went out for coffee with Mono one on one yesterday (for what I think was the first time ever). Part of what we talked about is how everything seems to be changing all at once, and not even just for us. Change is just in the air. Change is hard and painful at times but the thing is that it usually ends up working out in a strange way.

I'm still referring to our tribe as our tribe because all of them are hugely important to me. It's going to be a struggle to define a friendship with RP. I'm not sure where the line is of what to share and what to keep to myself. The last thing I want to do is to be the cause of any more pain for her. She's going through plenty as it is. It's going to take time to define what the new normal is. I've also never really attempted a friendship with a former lover. But then again I haven't had a relationship end where there isn't a lot of anger involved.

I'm still really unsure about posting anything about my dating life. Hopefully at some point that will get more comfortable for me. Although it's not like I post here on any kind of regular basis! (I apologize to all my fans ).

Derby season is on again. Moving my body quiets my mind which some days is a very good thing. I keep telling myself that eventually all this confusion will make sense. It's not like my life hasn't been dramatically changed before. I have the knowledge that I can survive whatever poly throws at me. Even if one day I am alone, I am just fine with being just me. I'm pretty awesome company even for myself.
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  #262  
Old 05-17-2013, 09:56 PM
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Hugs!
And have fun at derby!
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  #263  
Old 05-17-2013, 10:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Hugs!
And have fun at derby!
Planning on kicking some ass tomorrow.
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  #264  
Old 05-18-2013, 06:39 PM
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I had a really good day yesterday. I woke up this morning with no angst at all. It seems like it's been a long time since I've been feeling calm and content. I know that it hasn't really been that long but it is amazing how much time seems to slow when things are in flux. I don't know how long the feeling of contentment will last. I'm going to enjoy it for today though.
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  #265  
Old 05-20-2013, 12:07 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Settling Down.

Glad to hear that things are settling down for you a bit; change can be overwhelming and so challenging at times.
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  #266  
Old 05-28-2013, 09:11 PM
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So I thought things were settling down. The weekend before last was truly wonderful. I had a really good time and felt normal for the first time in weeks. So much for that lasting. I'm not sure what the life lesson is here but if it's life's hard and it's not fair, I got the memo, you don't have to teach me that anymore.

Mostly at the moment I'm processing some hurt feelings. I do know it's not the end of the world or anything. And I will live and it will all be OK, but that doesn't atop my heart from hurting. I'm so much more emotional than I'd like to admit. I wish I could just shut it all off for a while and just feel calm. I know the calm is coming again bit I'm not sure when.

I'm also feeling very fortunate that my office is pretty much deserted today as I'm having a hell of a time holding it together. Tonight calls for cuddles and a good sleep I think. Last time I felt like this I was pushing my husband to get a posting somewhere else so I could run away from my life. So this time is better. I'm not looking to run away. I'm trusting that in time things will make sense. Maybe not in any kind of way I can see from right here and right now, bit they will make sense.
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  #267  
Old 05-28-2013, 09:27 PM
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Hugs!! I hate days where I can't keep it together and any little thing will set off the tears.
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  #268  
Old 05-31-2013, 03:07 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Faith.

It sounds like you're saying all the right things to yourself in a difficult time; that things will work out, and make sense soon. That kind of perspective will see you through anything, as will good sleep, good food, cuddles.... I'm a fan of hot baths, good books and multiple cups of tea when life is smacking me in the face with emotional trouts. Keep on keepin' on Derby, you got this.
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  #269  
Old 06-02-2013, 07:01 PM
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It's been another good weekend. I had feared that it would be a month again before I felt solid within myself. It seems that I've gone from feeling like I'm drowning when emotional stuff around breaking up with RP comes up to feeling like I'm losing my footing climbing a gravel covered hill. There are still times that are hard for sure but I'm better able to regain my footing and keep going. There is a lot of good positive things in my life. Change isn't easy but that doesn't mean it's bad.

One day I might actually be able to properly describe the emotional stuff inside me. I haven't found the right words yet. I don't have to have the words to be able to work it out though.
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  #270  
Old 06-11-2013, 01:59 PM
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Summer is here. Our new trailer is decked out and ready to go. We have a couple of camping trips planned this summer. I'm really looking forward to summer. At the moment life is good and I am happy. I'm appreciating the sunshine and the happy. Living life for today. Whatever tomorrow brings is for future Derby to worry about.
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