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  #151  
Old 04-24-2013, 05:49 PM
elle elle is offline
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Want an update?!!

I did finally show dh the Wikipedia definition of polyamory. He gets it. Took awhile to get through the 'well just how does this work?!!' questions and so forth.

I think it's hard when you've got one person who is your 'everything' (me) and they tell you 'I'm open to more than one.'

He's funny, though, and also said he's just a little crabby that his work/life doesn't give him more opportunities to meet people he finds interesting. Although he says that still wouldn't do it for him. Which is fine. What works for me doesn't have to work for you, I said.

He/we have made a few great realizations:
1. He has always been loved by me. Always. Even through our rough spots.
2. We both realized that I am half assed at a lot of things but I am good with men, in nurturing them, enjoying them, being good friends. Not sex, but a person you can count on.
3. I care enough to be honest.

Right now he feels a lot of security in that we've decided to work on our relationship right now and work on building trust and honest communication. I can see him having some insecurities (as gala girl said) about losing me because of my poly tendencies and we just need time so we can affirm to each other that that isn't the case.

When his eyes were downcast and he was withdrawn I took him aside and said 'tell me' and he did say 'I'm feeling worried that you are busy thinking of someone else and that I'm not enough.' Which is huge for him to be that candid with his feelings. And because he said something instead of walking away or stuffing feelings down, I was able to help and we had a great day.

We do both know that we don't ever want to be without each other and have also dug deep to talk about things that several years would have sent him screaming from the room. I have gently pointed out that I haven't hid myself, he's just not been able to really talk before.

So there you have it.

We may never have a poly sorta situation come up again, I am generally happy to go along with a mono situation, although I feel adamant that this is my tribe and, for me, I can handle polyamory and see that as a viable lifestyle choice.

No matter what, we certainly see now how marriage can make people 'lazy' about truth, honesty and personal needs. And what makes me laugh is we have a really solid foundation and we STILL struggled so much with those issues.

My husband does say he is open and willing to change/grow, but I can see he will need some time to do that. Right now he does feel some selfish security in having me 'to himself.' And every relationship must be tended to, so if that's what he needs, that's what we do right now.
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  #152  
Old 04-24-2013, 06:15 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad to hear things are in a good place for you after talking. Hope they continue that way!

GG
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  #153  
Old 05-16-2013, 02:15 AM
grownup grownup is offline
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Exclamation How to bring it up... Help?

What is the best way to bring up polyamory?

Here's a little bit of information on my story.
I was in a relationship that failed for reasons that are now resolved. Since that relationship failure I began seeing someone new. My prior lover is now wanting to come back into my life in that role. My new relationship is very understanding and flexible. I love them both deeply and I don't want to have to choose. As with any story, there's more to this one, but I'm having a hard time putting it into adequate words.
I am very new to this and no one involved has done it before.
Any advice?
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  #154  
Old 05-16-2013, 03:22 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You might benefit from checking some of the links in this post:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...89&postcount=7
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #155  
Old 10-05-2013, 02:44 AM
Meegle Meegle is offline
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Default How to broach polyamory with partner

Hi all, I'll try to keep things concise but I feel so full of turmoil right now that may go to the wayside.

I am 29 years female in a monogamous relationship of around 8 years. When I first met my partner we were friends and I had a number of confusing relationships with other guys, these eventually petered out and my friendship with my partner became 'friends with benefits'. After a few months we decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend but I wanted to keep the relationship open.

He agreed to this but I was never very sure if it was what he wanted to or was just going along with to please me. During this phase I had two very close emotional relationships with other men but never got physical.
He had a friendship with a girl from another city, he went to visit her a few times with friends and slept in her bed. This I was told by one of our friends not my boyfriend. I felt fine about him sleeping in her bed and probably being intimate but did find it a bit hurtful and confusing that he didn't tell me.

Being young at the time and in the early stage of our relationship I figured if he didn't feel able to talk to me then I didn't want to bring up something he didn't feel comfortable about, so we just never talked about that for eight years!

This incident made me think we probably weren't ready for an open relationship, I suggested closing it and my partner readily agreed.

I have always struggled with being monogamous, I always want to develop relationships with other people. Over the years I have had emotional and intimate but not sexual relationships with other men. My partner says he does not get jealous about my friendships because pretty much all my friends are male so it's just something he deals with.

I would love to broach the subject of polyamory with him but am frightened he will really not like the idea and start to worry about the friendships I have and start possibly wanting to curtail my freedom.

For example, I started working at a new place two weeks ago, I work the evening shift from 5 to about 11 and on my second shift I got talking to one of the guys there, we were obviously interested in each other straight away. Last week I stayed out till 1.30 twice with this guy, we go to the beach in one of our cars and smoke hash. This week he came over our house on his day off he walked my dogs watched YouTube etc. tonight we went to the beach again till 1am.

My boyfriend knows I have being doing this and says he doesn't mind as long as he knows what I'm up to.
but I'm so worried that if I bring up the subject of open relationships or that I have these feelings for other people he will either not want to continue our relationship, be really hurt and wander why he's not enough or lose his easy going nature about me and start to become anxious and unhappy.

I really don't want to hurt him but understand that by not being open to him about my true nature is almost robbing him of the choice to have the kind of relationship/lover he wants? It's hard to explain. I also find it worrying on one level that I'm finding it so difficult to bring up the subject, does it mean our relationship is weak? Am I cowardly? Am I selfish and greedy?

This is the first time one of my friendships has made me feel so unhinged, I don't even know if my new friend likes me in the same way. This is making me crazy

Bleaugh, sorry for the ramble guys.
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  #156  
Old 10-05-2013, 07:46 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Meegle,
Welcome to our forum.

Don't know if "Opening Up" would be helpful; it's a book by Tristan Taormino. Perhaps you and your boyfriend could read it out loud together, and discuss your feelings about the various parts and sections as you go along.

It seems to me that you had an open relationship at one time and while the arrangement kind of fizzled out, it didn't end in disaster. Why do you fear that it will end in disaster now? I mean, you have the advantage that you and your boyfriend both have experience in working an open relationships, and the only unresolved issue seems to be that you were afraid to tell each other about your specific dates and encounters with new people.

It sounds like an open relationship is still going on, if perhaps somewhat unofficially. Your boyfriend isn't freaking out now; would he freak out if it was official? in which case, reading that book together may help you both ease into it. It's a good book.

I can't imagine just hiding/burying your open/poly nature for the rest of your life. All that will accomplish is to make you feel trapped and resentful, him frustrated because he doesn't know why you're upset, and either a break-up or an unhappy life together. Why take a chance of all that happening when it's no worse a risk than just telling him the truth?

I hope the book helps, and that comments/advice from other members will trickle in. Have a look around the site; see what calls to you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #157  
Old 10-30-2013, 10:43 AM
Meegle Meegle is offline
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Update: initially after listing here I told myself that I could never raise the subject with my partner and it was something I'd just have to oppress for ever and continue as things were with me just having my friends but ignoring the desire to be more intimate and never talking properly to my partner.

Unsurprisingly that did not work out very well.
Not talking made me feel really uncomfortable around my partner (elephant in the room situation) which led to me quite childishly staying out after work till between 3 and 5 am then sleeping all day.
This was obviously making my partner feel quite bad but I justified it to myself by asking him if it was ok and taking his strained and false yes for a real one.

After four weeks or so of this it was clear to me that my plan to oppress my thoughts for the next 50 years was probably not a very good one. So I blurted it all out when we were in the bath together Saturday morning.
My timing was monumentally shit because one of our friends was coming around within the hour so we didn't have a lot of time to talk and we both totally misunderstood each other.

My partner says my timing after staying out late every night for so many weeks also did not help very much. He is pretty upset and said he feels like this is only something I want because he must have neglected me or been inadequate on some level (which he hasn't and isn't).

He seems quite cross with me and was crying a lot, last night he said he felt calmer and that he trusts me 100% but still, he went out running at dawn this morning which is not something he normally does so I feel awful that I've made him so agitated.
At the same time he just rang and said he is having a friend over tonight so that I don't have to worry about coming straight home from work to keep him company if I want to linger about town.

The overview is that I do feel a lot better having talked about it, but on another level feel really dreadful that I've caused such emotional turmoil for someone I love so much.
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  #158  
Old 10-31-2013, 06:47 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I don't think there's any perfect way to tell your partner about poly. Okay, sure, the timing could have been better, but the only thing you'll accomplish by beating yourself up about that is feeling rotten about something that probably won't even matter a year (or even a month or less) from now. The important thing is that you did tell him. Now he can start to digest it, and that will probably be a slow process.

He would have been upset about it no matter when you told him. Early morning jogs would have become part of his way of trying to cope regardless. While I understand that you feel his pain, and by extension, feel guilty for "causing" it, the truth is you were just telling him who you really are, so that he can start to decide whether that's something he can live with. It wouldn't be any better for him to continue to live with a "false you" who only pretended to be happy when you were actually miserable.

I think you guys will need to keep talking about this from time to time.

With regards,
Kevin T.
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  #159  
Old 10-31-2013, 08:46 AM
Dstone Dstone is offline
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I would also focus a bit less attention to your new found friend while your hubby makes this transition as well. Be a little extra kind and giving, showing appreciation for his understanding. Just because you have a green light with staying out late doesnít mean you have to do it frequently. Take our hubby out as well. Go out of your way to do so.
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My Twisted Story... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=61388
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  #160  
Old 11-13-2013, 02:32 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Post Article/resources on when you're ready to open up?

Hi all,

I'm in my first poly committed relationship with my boyfriend, A. This is not his first committed relationship, but it's his first polyamorous one. He cares about me a lot, but he seems not to have had much practice or experience communicating about feelings. As such, we're currently working through some problems relating to communication and getting my needs met.

He says he trusts me and respects my wishes, but he doesn't seem to understand why this isn't a good time to bring someone else into our arrangement - specifically our friend J, whom he's mutually interested in and I'm also close to, but who is young and even more inexperienced.

My boyfriend feels frustrated that I don't want him to act on his feelings right now, which I think is in part because he doesn't fully understand my concerns. J does understand and fully supports me, and I would like to find a way of explaining things to my boyfriend so he really gets it instead of just going along out of respect and trust.

I've checked all the usual places and come up with nothing except one-liners about "don't add more people to a broken relationship," which I think is true but a bit more dramatic than the situation we have here.

I would appreciate any resources that discuss inexperience in poly relationships, taking things slow, and when to know you're solid enough to be ready to open up romantically.

Thanks,

E
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A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future

Last edited by LemonCakeIsALie33; 11-13-2013 at 02:38 AM.
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