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Old 05-15-2013, 06:39 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Hi Leelee, just want to start off addressing your repeated assertion that people here might consider you "not really poly."

First of all, there is no such thing as "The Poly Community." There may be local poly communities here and there, such as this one, but there is not one specific poly community that has guidelines you must meet in order to belong, nor that determines whether anyone is poly enough. Anytime someone here says that what a poster describes is or is not "really poly," it is just that person's opinion.

There is a huge diversity of opinion on what poly is and a myriad number of ways to express or practice it in one's life. Generally most people agree with Morning Glory Ravenheart's definition, which she supplied to the OED when they asked her for it: "The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved." However, many people substitute the word "intimate" for sexual and loving, and many others include non-sexual relationships in that, too. But for the most part, it is simply consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy. Poly peeps usually emphasize honesty and transparency as integral to making poly work.

But people are human. Just as there are flawed monogamists, there are flawed polyamorists, and it shouldn't be an automatic assumption that all people who practice poly are always honest and never cheat. Many, many people claim to be poly without really bothering to learn anything about it because they have this idea that it's all about sex and having a "pass" to fuck around with anyone they want, anytime they want. And lots of people are just stupid. Still others will make mistakes solely because their societal conditioning is very strong and they cannot let it go, so they conduct affairs in secret or let jealousy run their lives and mistreat the people they purport to love. Yes, poly people can cheat, lie, and abuse their partners as much as anyone who is mono. You do yourself a disservice to think otherwiseand elevate polyamorists to some higher, more evolved status, because you are blaming monogamy for the cheaters you were with, rather than blaming the person.

The more anyone learns to develop a sense of self, and of self-esteem, the easier it becomes to see the bullshit artists, whether poly or mono. While, it's totally cool that you are happy to be part of a polyamorous vee, please consider that there are some wonderfully kind and ethical people who only want monogamy and would treat you with the respect, caring, and love you want. It's hard enough to find poly people, when you ARE poly. You are not, and yet you limit yourself to poly men who have partners. It is a nonsensical approach. As I said earlier, why limit your dating pool and possible choices? Unless you are into always feeling frustrated, it will do you no good to close yourself off to any potential interest from mono men. Don't let past hurts dictate what you are open to now - that's like driving a car forward while only looking in the rearview mirror. Use the past as a learning experience but don't live in fear.

Finally, you may enjoy this thread where other solos talk about what they want out of polyamory: Solo poly people - what's your ideal? Hopefully, you will find, from reading it, that what you want is not unreasonable at all. And there are many others like you who want similar things.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 05-15-2013 at 06:44 PM.
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