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  #21  
Old 04-29-2013, 04:09 PM
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Default Revisiting the flake question.

In an earlier post I asked if being a flake has a detriment to poly. I must admit I'm still curious. I feel like I'm an island and I'm out there floating in the ocean. Visitors come and go, really dedicated tourists stay awhile, my SO to be exact.
But have I offered them the same? I gave them a place to visit and enjoy themselves, food cause I love to cook, and emotional support cause they need it.

But have I offered them anything more than that?

I am a flake. People think its great being a head in the clouds kinda person, not a care in the world to get me down. Yeah, sure no cares. Except for the fact that I'm starting to feel like I don't form personal relationships normally. I love C, I do, he provides well, treats me well, but I'm doomed to regard everything with a passing glance. I am reliable, I'm there for my friends but I do create myself according to every individual I meet. I think that's my biggest fault. My submissiveness and want to be regarded as a cool person drives me to be 50 different people. Someone different in front of everyone.

Here's some definitions:

Flakes are defined as such:

Wikipedia: Slang for a person who socializes on a glib, superficial level who often feigns an interest in a subject in an attempt to seek social approval.

Cambridge Online Dictionaries: a person who you cannot trust to remember things or to do what they say they will do, or someone who behaves in a strange way

I don't think I can stress it enough. I am reliable, I am there for my friends but the whole feigning interest thing? Happens to be the name of my game. I'm not passionate about anything anymore! I don't, honestly, know if I ever was...

Been seeing a girl for coffee and make outs lately. Texting like mad.
C is curious just cause he likes to see me happy.

I'm still curious if I'm offering myself or what my subconscious thinks they want.
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  #22  
Old 05-14-2013, 05:46 PM
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Things have been up and down lately.

C forgot our anniversary for the 6th year in a row. I've made a list of the ways I feel unimportant. Strap in!

1) after reminding him numerous times the week before our anniversary every year he still forgets every year.
2) I bet if someone asked him the following about me he'd have no answers. Fave color? Smell? Hangover food?
3) after mentioning every year I'd like something to happen on my birthday, nothing does. I've never had anyone throw me a party.
4)two sons but yet mothers day is non existent.
5) it's been mentiOned an un-nerving amount of times that if not for the boys we wouldn't be still together. I get that I'm not the same girl I used to be but hello! I have two sons now.
6) he's not an emotional person at all. I think I'm starving, there's no feeling of being consumed by the other person, no feeling that I'd die if he left. And the only time I see on his face that he likes me is when he's horny.
7) all of the above are important to me. But not to him. Should they be?


So you see my dilemma.
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  #23  
Old 05-15-2013, 06:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Malfunktions View Post
7) all of the above are important to me. But not to him. Should they be?
No.

It's just who he is. Some people are naturally forgetful. Some people have terrible sense of time, only to remember when it is too late. Some people just do not find such things important enough in life, to give them time.

Though I can see how people do get upset over these things, they are not life or death kinds of decisions to make.
If -you- want to make a special day of something, it is on -you- to do so.

Of course, if it isn't just something like forgetfulness or terrible sense of time, and it is just not being interested in it, you can always -talk with him- about this. Perhaps he feels it isn't important to you, because you've never made a big deal about it, or something. [unless you have, in which case, again, back to the probable other reasons]
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  #24  
Old 05-18-2013, 06:21 PM
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Ok so ^^ that was a bad day.

Moving on to bigger brighter things!

Low and behold the inner-musings of a woman during her everyday babbles

So today started with mimosa's, forgive me if I lose you.

lets talk food costs shall we?

You cut up three strawberries. The child consumes 1/4 of one, u presume.

Now, if a carton of strawberries costs 4.99, and there's roughly 50 strawberries to a container then that works out to be about 10 cents a strawberry.
So, by deducing that 1/4 of a strawberry made it in to the child then 2.5 cents was consumed leaving 27.5 cents on your floor.

That's 27.5 cents worth of strawberry that someone unknowingly ate after you picked it up of the floor and if you wanted her to kiss you then you shouldn't tell her.

Inside I'm on the floor rolling around in a fit of hysteria.
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Last edited by Malfunktions; 05-18-2013 at 06:22 PM. Reason: Woah, total re-write
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  #25  
Old 05-18-2013, 07:12 PM
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Default I really need a haircut

Oh! I forgot to tell you about my fun/funny Friday night. Last week we went out with some friends. They know who we are and are comfortable with how we act in public ha ha ha.

So, setting the stage. We're at the club. Girls in clothing too small for them and guys in clothing too big for them everywhere. There was copious amounts of gyrating hips, meshed with the tangles of sweaty hands, and a sexual tension so thick that you'd need a really sharp samurai sword to cut it. Ugh, I don't even know why I feed off it like I do, cause writing about it reminds me of how turned off I SHOULD have been. Awe, who am I kidding? Who cares!?

After a few drinks I dared C that he couldn't get a girl to make out with him. 5$ if he did.

Later, I came off the dance floor in a not so subtle manner, and slammed right into the man I encountered while having tea that afternoon.

Hop in my time machine and we'll back it up a few hours.

***beep****boop**** clang*** shhhhhhh(air brakes, I just like the sound)

Alright, so having coffee with Mom when she notices a very steamy, heart throb of a man. Who is obviously looking for a romp.

"I'll take -Out-of-Towner- for 500$, Pat"

First of all, she never gets hit on cause of who's she's married to.
No one wants to fuck with THAT cantankerous Indian. And I mean of the dancing round the fire chanting "Hi, how are ya" persuasion. (He's really just a big teddy bear who has got me out of so much trouble it's not even funny. Or maybe he's just wrapped around my finger, little girls do that to a man, I guess.)

To be truthful, he wasn't flirting with her. He was flirting with me. My mom doesn't know about my Polyness(word?) and so she never would have imagined her little girls eyes wandered to another man besides her boyfriend and father to her two children. Needless to say, she assumed it was her. That was a 'chuckling under my breath while hiding my face with coffee mug not to give myself away' moment if I ever saw one. She was wild with excitement. Made her feel good. She deserves all the looks she needs. I sat patiently, placating her fantasy.
I'm also not to go for another man. It was one of those guidelines I foolishly agreed to upon starting this journey. So, when he placed his phone number written on a napkin on our table she was floored.
I looked up at him, subtly shook my head so she wouldn't notice and he nonchalantly walked off. Never to hear from again, I hoped.

Not the case.

****boop*** beeps*****shhhhhhh( again, that awful satisfying air brake)

Man, he was more toned that he looked at coffee. Or was that hormones. He was certainly a lot closer. I mean too close. Where was C. Does he see me? I should back up. Do I have to?

Talk about your inner turmoils. I stepped back.

Babbled something in a language neither one of us understood and shuffled away. He followed.
Being polite, I conversed with him on the off chance I might see someone I know walk by and could hitch a ride on the save- me express. Eventually, someone did come to my rescue.
(Insert overly dramatic sigh of relief)
I turn the corner and notice C on the deck with our friends while they smoked.

He turned seen me and busted out laughing.
I was instantly self conscious. I smoothed down my dress, my hair, my face. Tone down the horrified look. You're innocent remember.

He started to close the distance, which it felt like took forever, and kept laughing. I was getting mad. When he finally stopped in front of me he said
"I'll just accept my losses now and give you the 5$ bucks cause watching you try to evade that guy was worth it."
He seen the whole thing. He said I could not have looked more uncomfortable.

So at least , when I know I shouldn't be doing something I look like I know I shouldn't be doing it. Guilty might as well be my name.

Guilty- that's my name, don't wear it out.
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  #26  
Old 05-22-2013, 05:34 PM
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Default When life throws you lemons

Lets face it, you probably just found lemons.

Sometimes I think I'm a lemon. I have my days where someone poured sugar on me, those are the good days, and I have days where someone squeezed all the acid out of me just to make that day, LOL. You know what I mean by lemon? Like those crappy cars that were actually released to the consumer market. Kinda like every Kia that was made before 2005. It's a self-confidence thing that being an adult and having responsibilities isn't helping. I mean, I grew up glued to the ever popular "someday my prince/ss will come and save me and we'll be rich and never want for anything ever again! We'll be happy and do whatever we want!" Ok, they should stop deluding little girls with that poppycock. Well, maybe not cause its the silver lining in any Fairytale and without it then we'd just have stories about people being bad and winning right?

And moving on!

I've been getting closer and closer to someone and she really knows how to put a smile on my face. She seems to know my insecurities and can target them like an eagle sees a fish. She was having a bad day the other day so we met for dinner. We realized we like the same meals and desserts from the restaurant and even how they are prepared! Ha ha. Even tho I seemed to have a deep-seated need for "tequilas" every time I went to order "taquitos" it was a very pleasant meal. I kinda feel like I talked so much. I do that.. My superhero power is being shy but overcompensating with chat. I've always been a fan of comfortable silences but in the getting to know you stage they creep me out and I start getting hot and flushed. Lol kinda like if I was watching someone coming at me with a knife. Yes, slight exaggeration.

C is still hearing word that this woman from his past (they never really hooked up but were close friends) is asking around for him. You may remember me mentioning her. She's the nothing like me one.
She's gruff, tiny, big-mouthed, that one. He is interested in what she's asking around for. He's always admitted that she was going to regret choosing someone else and it sure seems that way.

I NEED to win the lottery soon. Or else I'm going to be a hermit living in the woods soon. But I suppose, if I'm going to win the lottery then I should prolly start buying tickets....
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  #27  
Old 05-22-2013, 06:29 PM
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"Shy and overcompensating with chat". I feel much like that some days. Especially online. I can type away for days a lot easier than I could use my voice.

and being a hermit in the woods sounds awesome. A lot of people live that way in Finland, and other such low-population-of-humans, high-population-of-trees type places.
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  #28  
Old 05-23-2013, 08:35 PM
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It has been a long time since the last time I ever full out, soul shaking cried. I'm a big believer that money chooses who it wants to grace. The past few months have been taxing financially and mentally. I'd had the last straw.
After my online interview, which I never got past twenty mins into because it was botched by Flash Player screwing up, I went back into the room where C was still sleeping crawled under his arms and let it all out.
Sure, it felt good but it diet sole anything.
C says there are two types of people when it comes to dealing, those who deal and those who are dealt with.
I have a feeling I'm the latter.

Compartmentalizing is the name and ignoring is the game. Everything's fine, peachy keen, nothing else could possibly go wrong. WRONG.
It's piling up.

But we must plow through. We must succeed!
It helps to have people who can talk you down from a ledge.
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  #29  
Old 06-03-2013, 04:36 PM
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Talking The heat affects us different ways

What an eventful weekend I had. Besides the fact that I barely left my house, hardly ate anything and slept and cleaned like a boss, I managed to get out to see her. I've decided to call her, Mouse. I don't know why, it's just seems endearing to me. There is the ever popular, Angel, but that's not thoughtful at all. I'm at least smart enough to come up with my own endearment.
Ok, back to topic at hand.
I went to hangout with Mouse and we watched some Ted Talks and one of my fave movies. It's so dumb I giggle through it every time I watch it and at one point it was the only movie I watched for 3-4 weeks lol! I did the same thing with Anchorman and before that Old Skool. She made me cupcakes and not just any cupcakes but Cream Soda cupcakes! I'm rarely seen without a bottle of the pink life blood in tow. I think I might just start buying those 6 packs of bottles of it. Lol. Got to be cheaper than buying one a day alone. After the movie was over we chatted until I suggested watching another movie but by then it had become 1am! Holy time flies. So I'm getting ready to leave and she kissed me yay!!!!
I was smiling the whole way home even through the rain.
Everyday starts with a good morning message from her and I wake up smiling. Most nights end with a good night.

Bright horizons.
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BC: our son, 5 years
CM: second son 9 months.
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  #30  
Old 06-09-2013, 06:00 PM
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Default Tequila tells the truth!

Oh Friday, thankfully you happened, just I wish I remembered everything of it!

Tequila was my rise and fall on Friday. My mouth just went with it. Screw the filter. I said what I had to, felt, and needed him to hear. C ( who needs a name, but haven't come up with the perfect one yet) and I discussed a lot of necessary things. He's not jealous. I don't know how many times he said that but he really seemed like he meant that. Lately, he's been more, I dunno, just more. He's not an emotional being at all. Sometimes I call him my SexBot cause he's rather Robot like which I find funny and endearing, mix that with being hyper sexual and there you have it, your very own SexBot. He's been cuddly, and touchy (hugging me from behind while I cook), smiling a lot. So last night I asked him if he's been this way because I have been getting close to Mouse. He thought about it for a few and slowly agreed that she may have a tiny part of it. He said he thinks its great that I'm getting to know her and he really enjoys seeing me smile when I talk to her and how animated I was when I told him she kissed me.
I asked him if instead of jealousy it was insecurity. This is where he though long and hard, silence filled the room till I couldn't stand it anymore. I emptied my drink, refilled and came back to a smiling answer that yes, maybe he was a little insecure but that he was excited that he is feeling this way. He's never been out of control of a situation or relationship like this and it's something that he's not used to, naturally, but it's not a bad thing. Just different.
His biggest thing is its out of his control and he's not included. He says he'll get over it.
He looked disappointed as I was getting ready to go visit Mouse. He hung around the bathroom door, leaning and watching me. I asked him if he was bothered with me going and he indicated that after our talk last night he wanted to take me out to a movie and dinner, since he felt he hasn't done anything like that for me in a while. Which is true but it wasn't something that I was keeping track of.
It was sweet and I felt compelled to give into him. But hurt at the same time because now I had conflicting plans. I messages Mouse and regrettably said I wasn't coming.
I know I hurt her
I want to make it up to her, but the kids are arriving home soon, so I can't just pack up and head for town to surprise her at work. Which I really want to do. Maybe bring her a flower. Or a cookie. Something.
I'm gonna go call their gp's to see what time they plan on bringing them.
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CM: second son 9 months.
Mouse: girlfriend! Status new, feelings not so much.
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