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  #11  
Old 05-14-2013, 10:30 PM
kitkat88 kitkat88 is offline
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Well I think what you may need to do now is start the hunt. I would suggest if you are looking for a woman first to share. By sharing you don't have to always have threesomes. If you are bisexual, you could have a relationship with this woman and the three of you casual have threesomes. My gf and my husband do boy have a sexual relationship, they do love and care for each other though. But every once in awhile we have a threesome and its mainly my husband pleasing me and me pleasing my gf.

I would also suggest if that is something you want, sharing a gf, that you as the woman should put yourself out there. Its much harder for a man to attract a woman into all ready stable relationship. I think part of it maybe we as woman wonder if the other woman is really ok with the situation. Also you as a woman will look less threatening.

If you are going to use dating websites, I used okcupid and just thoroughly explained my situation and what I was thinking for and what I needed for the other person. There are poly websites but the volume of people on them us very small compared to other sites. And to be honest I meet several poly people on there that happened to even be local.

I hope they helps
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  #12  
Old 05-15-2013, 06:41 AM
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If you're determined to "share a woman" please read So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter?, because even if they haven't yet they soon will.
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  #13  
Old 05-15-2013, 10:52 AM
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leelee22 leelee22 is offline
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zombiecupcake,

From where i sit, you are doing very well!

I know that progress may seem slow, but all this talking with your "not-a-talker" husband is impressive, even when he shares things you don't like (like his fear of having a one-night-stand at a party).

By talking about this stuff when it feels ok to bring it up and without heavy pressure, you are demonstrating the exact skills that would help him feel safe if you actually HAD an open relationship. He is watching you try to be honest and kind with him. He is seeing evidence of how you would work to protect your own relationship with him.

that's major progress.

Leelee
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  #14  
Old 05-15-2013, 08:13 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat88 View Post
Well I think what you may need to do now is start the hunt.
Start the hunt? Like predators? That is ridiculous advice. Puh-leeez! They just had their first serious conversation about it. More heartfelt talks are in order before anything else happens. Start the hunt, geez. How gross.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-15-2013 at 10:00 PM.
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  #15  
Old 05-15-2013, 08:15 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by zombiecupcake View Post
We tried to discuss boundaries and what we were comfortable with. It seemed like we would discuss what we were comfortable with and then step back and then be unsure if we really were.
Congrats on having your first serious discussion where wants, needs, and boundaries are the topic. Way to go! Now, do not think that a handful of conversations about threesomes and "sharing" people is all you need to jettison yourselves into having multiple partners. This is a positive step, but still an unsure, tentative, exploratory step! Some couples can take a year or two, or even longer, to deeply discuss issues and examine all their fears and dreams before ever starting to embark on actually having or pursuing additional partners. There must be a strong foundation first, because polyamory is about a whole lot more than just sex and hooking up.

I would say your next steps are to give yourselves permission to be confused and to not make any decisions yet. Take time with exploring what you want. You both may have opinions and feelings and fantasies that will swing back and forth from one extreme to another. Don't let it get too heavy.

Maintain a positive outlook and keep reassuring hubby of your love and appreciation of him. Find some poly books, such as Opening Up by Tristan Taormino (excellent!) and Polyamory in the 21st Century by Deborah Anapol (I do not recommend The Ethical Slut), and read a chapter together once a week. Read the books, write questions down, research them, come back and talk about your feelings. Both of you may also want to thoughtfully answer the questions in Tristan Taormino's "Self Evaluation" form, which you can find here: http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/.


Finally, please don't follow along a path of thinking of polyamory as "adding" a person to your relationship. Nor should your goal be to "share" someone before you've even met the person - you don't know yet what they would want! If you start off with that mindset, will get you smacked down right quick, because it comes across as treating people like appendages to what you and hubby have. Not that that is what you want, but it can seem that way to others if you approach poly that way. Always keep in mind that anyone else that either of you get involved with will be a person in their own right and will have their own boundaries, dreams, feelings, and desires which must also be respected - you might not meet anyone who wants to be "added" or "shared," but you might meet people who will happily be partners with you.

Good luck and remember to take things slowly!
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-15-2013 at 09:54 PM.
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  #16  
Old 05-15-2013, 09:50 PM
zombiecupcake zombiecupcake is offline
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Thank you nycindie

I agree. We are no where near being ready for this. We are still communicating and working out kinks and figuring out what works for us. Its just nice that we have this open line of communication and we arent afraid to tell each other how we feel about it openly and honestly without the other person feeling hurt or that they did something wrong to make the other feel this way. I cant say when we would be ready to open our relationship up to anyone else. Only time will tell with that, but before that were to ever happen I want my husband and I to be on the same page with everything. I know feelings will arise, and we need to be prepared for that. For the time being we agree'd to let things sit for a week and let us mentally wrap our heads around what we have talked about and then come back together and talk about how we feel about it again.

As far as our relationship, we're going out the two of us on friday to spend quality time together Maybe talk a bit more if the mood arises over dinner.
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  #17  
Old 05-16-2013, 03:38 AM
kitkat88 kitkat88 is offline
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The has "hunt" is a play on words. Take as you want though, if you get the meaning that's what matters. I do have a tendency to be crude, that's me though.
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  #18  
Old 05-16-2013, 05:34 PM
zombiecupcake zombiecupcake is offline
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Well, I can tell my husbands insecurities are getting to him and we haven't even done or agree'd to anything.

Last night he fell asleep early. My office is across the hall, and I had gotten a call from a friend, I shut the door as not to wake him or the baby. When I get off the phone I went to walk out of my office, open the door and hes just standing there. I asked him why he was just standing there listening to my conversation and he says "who where you talking to, was it another guy" Um... no, it wasn't. We sat down and talked. He said he felt like he was already starting to get jealous of something that hasn't even happened and he doesn't want to be with another woman and just doesn't understand why I would want to be with another guy. I asked him where this came from and why the day before he seemed excited about it and now he almost seems angry about it and is sneaking around the house like hes going to catch me doing something when im not even doing anything.

I asked him what changed, and he said after we had talked and shortly after were intimate, all that kept running through his head afterwards was another man doing that to me and it bothered him tremendously. He said he felt possessiveness over me and that he should be the only one allowed to be that close to me. It kinda bothers me that he sees me as a possession. Yes we are married, but im not HIS possession.

As of now, I told him I was hurt that he felt this way because he was treating me poorly over it, and we went to bed without saying much more. All he could keep saying was that he felt like he wasn't good enough and that these traits he doesn't possess he wished he did. I kept trying to tell him its of no fault of his own and this has nothing to do with me wanting to find a partner better then him and wanting to leave him. I don't know how many times I could express to him that I love him and love our family.

I think I just feel hurt because I felt like we really opened up about this and I was 100% honest with him and how I felt and I felt like he almost sat and seemed open about it so he could use how I felt to hold it above my head. Maybe im wrong. I know feelings are going to change from day to day, but he went from feeling good about it and discussing boundaries to acting like im sneaking around and already found somebody and treating me like I did something wrong.
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  #19  
Old 05-17-2013, 03:14 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Here's emotional cycle of change done as a picture.

http://nitrofitpt.files.wordpress.co...transition.jpg

Sounds like he was at "happy" and then the "fear" started coming on.

Jealousy:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html

Pitfalls:
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im..._Polyamory.pdf

http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell

Perhaps those links give you some insight? Keep talking. Nobody's Opening anything but "Opening in Mind" to each other to just TALK about your thoughts and ideas and whatnot.

Maybe in the end you decide it's just not for you. But have grown closer for the sharing of thoughts. That's not so bad right?

Galagirl
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  #20  
Old 05-17-2013, 03:24 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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This is part of the process - feelings and thoughts will likely swing widely back and forth between extremes. His thoughts about it seem perfectly natural to me. Our society teaches us that our spouses and committed partners "belong" to us; it is hard to let go of possessiveness. It is such an ingrained "ideal."

I think it is good he is getting it out, and good that he recognizes it's a mindset he has. So many people walk around basically asleep in life, shrug, and say, "I'm just a jealous person!" without any real self-examination. So, as much as it irks you to be thought of as a possession or property, be thankful he is open and sharing these thoughts with you. Don't give in, either of you, to beating yourselves up, or each other. The fact that he expressed what he was grappling with is a blessing, and something to be grateful for, even if what he shared kinda stinks! Even though poly has been on your mind and a desire of yours for a long time, find compassion for what he's going through and don't let frustration piss you off too much.

As John Welwood wrote in his book, Journey of the Heart, it's absolutely crucial to be fully honest for an intimate relationship to thrive, deepen, and be a source of personal growth. He calls it "applying the microscope of awareness" (great book, btw!). Your husband is actually expanding his capacity for love and intimacy by looking at and expressing to you what is bringing him pain. John Welwood writes:
"Depending on how we relate to love's pain, it can lead in one of two very different directions. If we regard it as a threat, something to avoid at all cost, we will try to patch it over, keep it out of sight. After a while, however, accumulating patches only deadens our sensitivity and our capacity to love freely. Resenting the pain involved in becoming vulnerable to another person causes us to lose heart or harden our heart, and this cuts off the energetic flow between us.

Yet if we can learn to make use of our pain, it can be an invaluable helper and guide on the path. For it exposes and directs our attention to places inside us where we are shut down, contracted, and half-asleep. If I can move with my pain more fluidly, my rigid defenses start to dissolve and I become more permeable to love's awakening influence. And when I can let my partner see my hurt, instead of hiding it away, where it may fester and poison the relationship, this creates greater intimacy between us.

Of course, nobody wants to feel pain. Yet to become a warrior of the heart--one who is willing to risk being wounded in the service of love--we must be able to use the pain that relationship inevitably brings our way."
He is letting you see his pain. He is not whining nor making demands, but being truthful and present and trusting in you that he can share a side of himself that makes him uncomfortable. That is good stuff and can only bring you closer and help build a firm foundation, whether a poly arrangement is in your future or not.

That's why you need to go slowly, do some reading together, discuss everything for a good long while and, at some point when you are both ready, perhaps even find a local poly group to meet others who can share their experiences with you -- before seeking another partner.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-17-2013 at 03:34 AM.
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