Coming out

There is no lack of stories about coming out to judgmental people. Usually they are simply coming from a place of misunderstanding then actual malice. Go with your gut, if you trust her and need to tell her than do it.
I lost almost an entire social circle. The ones that are really important are worth the work...most will either be in my life or not, easy come, easy go...but it still hurts a little.

Take care and good luck
Mono
 
Lots of examples on here of that type of thing.
Try the search button for help.

I know for me personally-I was always poly in action-only didn't know the word for it, so once I found the word it was no big deal to talk to people about it.

But Maca (my husband) has a number of people he hasn't told. Some he did tell, well he was shocked by HOW accepting they were.
 
If you want deep relationships then you have to be honest and open about your life and expect the same. Sometimes it means people show their true colours for the negative and sometimes for the positive. You roll the dice and see what you get. If this doesn't work out then you have just made room for a new friend that will possibly understand more and love you for just who you are. If it does work out it will deepen the friendship even more.
 
I didn't think I'd hear these kinds of things from my friends, considering how I run in iconoclastic circles. Yet two pairs of friends BOTH said something to me today like "How can you be poly without drama" as if somehow monogamy avoids drama!

I don't feel scared, I feel a little annoyed. How do you guys walk around all day claiming to be critical thinkers and then fall back into the traditional tripe you're taught when it comes to relationships?

Grrrrrrrrr!

Not much advice, but I think I'm relating. :p
 
I didn't think I'd hear these kinds of things from my friends, considering how I run in iconoclastic circles. Yet two pairs of friends BOTH said something to me today like "How can you be poly without drama" as if somehow monogamy avoids drama!
DP. I have had similar head-scratching moments while talking to people about poly. The people I hold in great regard as critical thinkers really had issues with the poly relationships style, while others have surprised me positively, in that they could deal with it much better than I thought they would.
 
from what i know

I'm still new to poly but as far as I know with this 3rd party not knowing the situation between your boyfriend, you and her complicates things because she hasn't given her consent to any of this! You should just tell her and give her a chance to choose! Besides, why would you care to love someone that can't accept you for you!
 
The pros and cons of coming out of the closet...as I see it

Coming out of the closet can be a frightening, nerve-wracking thing. In my own personal circle of family and friends (not my husband's, not his girfriend's) there is truly only one person I worry about finding out. Not because I think this person will not love me, but because it may well hurt her. This person is my paternal grandmother. Granny has always been incredibly important in my life and she gets a lot of the credit for helping me to become the person I am. She is Southern Baptist, and lately her views have become a little less flexible. She is still the gentle loving person she always was, and she would never be harsh or turn away from me, but I do not want her to ever be hurt by what she might see as my sinful way of life (laugh).

I would love to be completely open about our relationship to the world. Only openess will actually move us, as a part of our society, down the road to universal acceptance. But we often balance that with how it will affect those we love.

Our choices in who knows or who doesn't often leaves us treading a thin line. The very nature of being poly means that we are perhaps more open to the feelings of others, more affected by what others think or the hurt we could cause with who we are. But we also have the RIGHT to our feelings and choices, and having to hide that brings us pain as well. For each of us, for each person we tell, we have to consider the effect that knowledge will have on them, and on others in their lives. Like any other piece of knowledge we share (and most especially life-altering, earthshaking knowledge) it is very much like droping a stone in water. The larger the stone, the bigger the wave. Some of those we tell (and those they might tell) will be swamped by the knowledge, others will ride it out and come out a bit stronger and more experienced on the other side.

Ultimately, with each telling, we have to decide how important our relationship is with that person. We must balance how much we need to be completely honest with that person with how much it will hurt us to loose that relationship or cause them pain if they cannot accept or understand.

Hmm, that was a lot of rambling and very little practical advice I am afraid. So here is the practical advice:
Try holding a philisophical discussion with her about polyamory and play 'devil's advocate' so to speak. If she is rabidly against it and will not consider that those in poly relationships might be happy and normal, for themselves, then you will know that telling her will most likely loose you that friend. If after some discussion she opens her mind, then there is a chance there.

Good luck and be strong.
 
I care to love her because I love her... she'd be my sister if she'd been born of the same parents. She doesn't get to 'consent' to my lifestyle choices any more than she would if I were moving across the country. We don't agree on everything, but she's my family nonetheless. I don't think that we won't be friends because of it. I'm afraid of her anger, I'm afraid of hurting her, I'm afraid she will misunderstand.

I have had philosophical discussions with her... we have mutual friends who are openly Poly, and she continues to speak negatively of their choices, and that is where I get this feeling that she'll not understand. Anyway, I'm going to visit her this weekend, and I'm going to try to tell her. I've been over it a bunch of times in my head, and I can't decide how to start the conversation.

"M and I decided to open our relationship a while back, and I've been seeing T since Halloween."

"M asked me to consider an open relationship, and I agreed to consider it to be 'fair', even though I was sure I'd just say 'no', but the consideration changed me..."

"I've been seeing T for a couple of months now... M knows and has been supportive."

I dunno.
 
I care to love her because I love her... she'd be my sister if she'd been born of the same parents. She doesn't get to 'consent' to my lifestyle choices any more than she would if I were moving across the country. We don't agree on everything, but she's my family nonetheless. I don't think that we won't be friends because of it. I'm afraid of her anger, I'm afraid of hurting her, I'm afraid she will misunderstand.

Why don't you start with that, or something similar? I thought it was beautiful. Speaking as a woman who was the judgemental friend for 18 years (oh how I'm eating my words now), I think she can handle it. Maybe her judgement will just go underground for a while, but when the friends who love you that much see how you feel about your partners, it makes it all right even if they don't agree. Good luck!
 
come out, come out wherever you are!!

ok, so i've recently (and traumatically) come out as "polyamorous" to friends and family. it's been a hard-arrived at ideological stance that has been traumatic and cost me horribly (i lost my lovely wife over it). i'm in a serious relationship at the moment, but we are both ideologically opposed to lifelong monogamy as an ideal.

i'm heterosexual but kind of feel like i'm a gay guy in the 1950s coming out - there's not really widely accepted terminology for what i am - one who believes that one can be intimate and in love with more than one person at a time without that intimacy/love necessarily being a betrayal of any other. no-one in my circle gets me at all. it's been painful and costly and i'm still reeling.

anyone else got any traumatic "coming out" stories that'd encourage me on??
 
Hi Irishjack,

Here's a link to Redpepper's coming out. Accusations of child abuse and all :( BUT things have come around....slooowly.

Peace and Love
Mono
 
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You may find this a traumatic event....However, with time, people will likely get "used" to it. If not, try not to make it a big deal for them. I.E. Don't talk about it or make a large fuss over it at different events where these people are. I know that my adopted parents would FLIP if I told them....and so I don't. But my biological mother, is more open and grounded when it comes to "differences", and doesn't really voice an opinion on things of this matter. When I introduce my wife, and my GF, I introduce my wife as "my wife", and my GF, simply as a very close friend. In more "open" circles, I introduce her as my GF, while my wife introcuces me as her husband and her BF as her BF to more "open" circles.

In my opinion, if it hurts, don't do it. So if it hurts or offends, don't tell them. They may question, but refer them to your wife. This way, they will know that she is open to it and not injured and you are not cheating.
 
Hey Jack,

Well, unless you see it as your role to be a campaigner or champion of the cause, then it's nobody's business how you lead your personal life.
For those you care enough about to try to be honest with them - each is an individual choice.

Good luck. Don't let it become some pressure. Just live & love.

GS
 
Irishjack,

I understand why you wanted to "Come Out". It can be hard to keep something, that you feel is a part of you, all bottled up inside. The ones who don't understand you and are giving you a hard time probably just don't feel it is a lifestyle for them. So they don't know how to react to your situation.

Maybe some day they will come around and accept it... then again, maybe not. Whatever happens, know that you are true to yourself and try to understand that they just have a different perspective on life. It's ok to be who you are. Just don't forget to let them be who they are. If it bothers them too much, try not to flaunt it in front of them. We can all live with acceptance and understanding if we just respect and acknowledge that we are all different in many ways.

Take care and good luck with your situation! If you ever want to talk about it, feel free to message me.
 
thanks for the words guys. so much appreciated. really do feel like a loner a lot of the time in all this and caught in the bitter irony of having to lose a beautiful intimacy with my wife in order to pursue more intimacies. i'm just at the very beginning of what will be a long, long journey. trying to be true to myself (as polonius advised!) but frig it's a hard path at times.

peace.
 
I felt the same way when I started coming out to family as childfree, which became an amazingly complicated ordeal with family that I wasn't prepared for. We haven't even told my in-laws that we're never planning children; the bulk of the judgment comes from the fact that we don't have them YET (and we're only 32/33!) I never considered being childless by choice to be a controversial "lifestyle" choice until I started telling people about it. Especially since I don't really feel this is a choice; it's how I'm wired and the only choice involved is choosing not to push myself into something because that's "normal". It's hard as hell.

I cannot even imagine what my in-laws would say if they found out I wasn't monogamous with my husband. Because of that, I don't see myself ever being open with family about this, and that makes me sad. Already I want to tell my mom, who I'm pretty close with, about my boyfriend, but I know she'd never ever ever ever understand, so she looks at me confused when I say things like "I'm spending the weekend with my best friend's boyfriend", so even that much information is hard to share.

Good luck to you as you go through this so openly!! It takes a lot of courage, and that's such a shame.
 
Tough question, but a valid influence I believe. How much of your family's hurt and anger is attributed to their sense that you abandoned your new daughter and couldn't handle the responsibility of being a dad? This might be more of a concern to them than poly ever could be.
I know something about losing a daughter so I feel for you and hope you will be able to be a part of her life.

Take care
Mono
 
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We are out with everyone we know, and i mean everyone from my gran, to the people i work with. It has not been easy but at same time it does have its rewards. I feel far more free knowing that everyone knows and im not trying to keep it a secret like its something i should be ashamed off,

i been called lots of horrible names, whore, slut, greedy but, then i did have support from some people i didn't expect it, and others who i think have a far greater understanding to the alternatives of monogomy because they have talked to us,

i would not change being out dispite it being extreemly difficult

Jools
 
I've just come out to most of my family within the last few weeks and it has been both liberating and heartbreaking. All of our friends have been so incredibly loving and supportive. Family has ranged from concerned to confused to indifferent, but mostly our relationships with them are still intact.
I've completely ruined my relationship with my Dad over it though. It's still very early, but I've disappointed him and he's ashamed of me. As a daughter who has spent her whole life wanting him to be proud of me, his reaction was devestating. I'm having to learn to let go of my need for his approval, and it's so hard. He's withdrawn his love and support until I'm 'done with all of it' meaning my poly relationships.
I'm not willing to sacrifice what I have with my husband and bf, I'm happier than I've ever been. That doesn't mean there's no pain at having to step away from the relationship I have with my Dad.
I can only imagine the pain you are going through having lost your spouse. I hope that your poly journey brings you much happiness though, because it really can. :)
 
How do you tell others?

I realize that many relationships on here are different than the kind that my husband, myself, and our girlfriend have. So, with that in mind please advise the best way you can! Thanks!

My husband and I have a girlfriend. Things are getting serious and we're looking into the future and some questions are coming up.

What do you say to family members about your girlfriend becoming a permenant part of your family?

I, the female, have full custody of my child who is 15. The x sees him about once a year and I don't think he'd kick up to much trouble over it anyway, but could this cause problems for me in regards to keeping custody of my son? How would I explaine to the Judge that our girlfriend lives with us?

I know those questions are loaded. Any advice would be helpful though as these are things that we are starting to look at and wonder how they would unfold.
 
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