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  #41  
Old 01-19-2010, 03:33 AM
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There is no lack of stories about coming out to judgmental people. Usually they are simply coming from a place of misunderstanding then actual malice. Go with your gut, if you trust her and need to tell her than do it.
I lost almost an entire social circle. The ones that are really important are worth the work...most will either be in my life or not, easy come, easy go...but it still hurts a little.

Take care and good luck
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  #42  
Old 01-19-2010, 04:09 AM
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Lots of examples on here of that type of thing.
Try the search button for help.

I know for me personally-I was always poly in action-only didn't know the word for it, so once I found the word it was no big deal to talk to people about it.

But Maca (my husband) has a number of people he hasn't told. Some he did tell, well he was shocked by HOW accepting they were.
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  #43  
Old 01-19-2010, 08:53 AM
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If you want deep relationships then you have to be honest and open about your life and expect the same. Sometimes it means people show their true colours for the negative and sometimes for the positive. You roll the dice and see what you get. If this doesn't work out then you have just made room for a new friend that will possibly understand more and love you for just who you are. If it does work out it will deepen the friendship even more.
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  #44  
Old 01-19-2010, 09:22 AM
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I didn't think I'd hear these kinds of things from my friends, considering how I run in iconoclastic circles. Yet two pairs of friends BOTH said something to me today like "How can you be poly without drama" as if somehow monogamy avoids drama!

I don't feel scared, I feel a little annoyed. How do you guys walk around all day claiming to be critical thinkers and then fall back into the traditional tripe you're taught when it comes to relationships?

Grrrrrrrrr!

Not much advice, but I think I'm relating. :P
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  #45  
Old 01-19-2010, 02:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DrunkenPorcupine View Post
I didn't think I'd hear these kinds of things from my friends, considering how I run in iconoclastic circles. Yet two pairs of friends BOTH said something to me today like "How can you be poly without drama" as if somehow monogamy avoids drama!
DP. I have had similar head-scratching moments while talking to people about poly. The people I hold in great regard as critical thinkers really had issues with the poly relationships style, while others have surprised me positively, in that they could deal with it much better than I thought they would.
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  #46  
Old 01-19-2010, 02:38 PM
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I'm still new to poly but as far as I know with this 3rd party not knowing the situation between your boyfriend, you and her complicates things because she hasn't given her consent to any of this! You should just tell her and give her a chance to choose! Besides, why would you care to love someone that can't accept you for you!
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  #47  
Old 01-19-2010, 09:27 PM
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Default The pros and cons of coming out of the closet...as I see it

Coming out of the closet can be a frightening, nerve-wracking thing. In my own personal circle of family and friends (not my husband's, not his girfriend's) there is truly only one person I worry about finding out. Not because I think this person will not love me, but because it may well hurt her. This person is my paternal grandmother. Granny has always been incredibly important in my life and she gets a lot of the credit for helping me to become the person I am. She is Southern Baptist, and lately her views have become a little less flexible. She is still the gentle loving person she always was, and she would never be harsh or turn away from me, but I do not want her to ever be hurt by what she might see as my sinful way of life (laugh).

I would love to be completely open about our relationship to the world. Only openess will actually move us, as a part of our society, down the road to universal acceptance. But we often balance that with how it will affect those we love.

Our choices in who knows or who doesn't often leaves us treading a thin line. The very nature of being poly means that we are perhaps more open to the feelings of others, more affected by what others think or the hurt we could cause with who we are. But we also have the RIGHT to our feelings and choices, and having to hide that brings us pain as well. For each of us, for each person we tell, we have to consider the effect that knowledge will have on them, and on others in their lives. Like any other piece of knowledge we share (and most especially life-altering, earthshaking knowledge) it is very much like droping a stone in water. The larger the stone, the bigger the wave. Some of those we tell (and those they might tell) will be swamped by the knowledge, others will ride it out and come out a bit stronger and more experienced on the other side.

Ultimately, with each telling, we have to decide how important our relationship is with that person. We must balance how much we need to be completely honest with that person with how much it will hurt us to loose that relationship or cause them pain if they cannot accept or understand.

Hmm, that was a lot of rambling and very little practical advice I am afraid. So here is the practical advice:
Try holding a philisophical discussion with her about polyamory and play 'devil's advocate' so to speak. If she is rabidly against it and will not consider that those in poly relationships might be happy and normal, for themselves, then you will know that telling her will most likely loose you that friend. If after some discussion she opens her mind, then there is a chance there.

Good luck and be strong.
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  #48  
Old 01-20-2010, 06:25 AM
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I care to love her because I love her... she'd be my sister if she'd been born of the same parents. She doesn't get to 'consent' to my lifestyle choices any more than she would if I were moving across the country. We don't agree on everything, but she's my family nonetheless. I don't think that we won't be friends because of it. I'm afraid of her anger, I'm afraid of hurting her, I'm afraid she will misunderstand.

I have had philosophical discussions with her... we have mutual friends who are openly Poly, and she continues to speak negatively of their choices, and that is where I get this feeling that she'll not understand. Anyway, I'm going to visit her this weekend, and I'm going to try to tell her. I've been over it a bunch of times in my head, and I can't decide how to start the conversation.

"M and I decided to open our relationship a while back, and I've been seeing T since Halloween."

"M asked me to consider an open relationship, and I agreed to consider it to be 'fair', even though I was sure I'd just say 'no', but the consideration changed me..."

"I've been seeing T for a couple of months now... M knows and has been supportive."

I dunno.
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  #49  
Old 01-22-2010, 10:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seasnail View Post
I care to love her because I love her... she'd be my sister if she'd been born of the same parents. She doesn't get to 'consent' to my lifestyle choices any more than she would if I were moving across the country. We don't agree on everything, but she's my family nonetheless. I don't think that we won't be friends because of it. I'm afraid of her anger, I'm afraid of hurting her, I'm afraid she will misunderstand.
Why don't you start with that, or something similar? I thought it was beautiful. Speaking as a woman who was the judgemental friend for 18 years (oh how I'm eating my words now), I think she can handle it. Maybe her judgement will just go underground for a while, but when the friends who love you that much see how you feel about your partners, it makes it all right even if they don't agree. Good luck!
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  #50  
Old 04-02-2010, 02:59 AM
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Default come out, come out wherever you are!!

ok, so i've recently (and traumatically) come out as "polyamorous" to friends and family. it's been a hard-arrived at ideological stance that has been traumatic and cost me horribly (i lost my lovely wife over it). i'm in a serious relationship at the moment, but we are both ideologically opposed to lifelong monogamy as an ideal.

i'm heterosexual but kind of feel like i'm a gay guy in the 1950s coming out - there's not really widely accepted terminology for what i am - one who believes that one can be intimate and in love with more than one person at a time without that intimacy/love necessarily being a betrayal of any other. no-one in my circle gets me at all. it's been painful and costly and i'm still reeling.

anyone else got any traumatic "coming out" stories that'd encourage me on??
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