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Old 05-14-2013, 04:27 PM
gaiasrevenge gaiasrevenge is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 4
Thumbs up Former Dom BF suddenly not a Dom nor poly anymore

Hello all.

I first joined this board a little over a year ago, didn't post much but read around as I began to accept a poly setup was what I really wanted in my life. I'll try to make this as short as I can, but I can't promise anything .

Early last year, I discussed with my husband (who I'll call J henceforth) of 6 years (together 12, now 7 and 13 respectively) the desire I had to open our marriage. We talked, a lot, and decided to go for it. Both signed up on various dating sites.

April 2012 - I start chatting to A, we get on very well.

May 2012 - A and myself meet up in person, click, begin a sexual "friends with benefits" deal. A tells me about FetLife (how had I never heard of that before I don't know!!) and his Dom tendancies. J and myself have dabbled in BDSM since year dot, so these things aren't an issue to me whatsoever.

By June 2012 - A is saying he loves me, wants to collar me and proclaim I am his submissive. I'm concerned this is a little fast, and I say so. We agree that we are now more than friends, "proper boyfriend and girlfriend," he says, but the D/s needs more time, we are both happy with a Top/bottom arrangement.

September 2012 - Husband J is getting closer to a girl he is at college with (JS) and is doing really well being a friend to A (they're watching the WWE together and all sorts).

October/November 2012 - J gets together with JS, all four of us get on and things are pretty good. I tell A I'm starting to feel happy about a deeper D/s dynamic, but he says can we leave it as it is? I'm all kinds of OK with that!!

January 2013 - I am sensing an issue with the D/s dynamic at this point. We discuss it, after a LOT of pushing from me and protests of, "Do we have to talk about serious stuff?" from A. He says he isn't feeling too Domly anymore and prefers the BF/GF stuff we do (watching movies, going to the pub, more nilla sex etc) to the kink. We tone down the D/s.

J and JS are doing well, BTW, talking about long term things and such.

A good few months!

April 2013 - JS has been very cool towards J. He asks outright if she still wants to date him or not, after a lot of evasion. JS says no.

Cusp of April/May 2013 - A is supposed to be coming to see me one weekend. He keeps moaning about being tired and basically acting like he's not too interested. I (like J did with JS) ask outright if he's still bothered about our relationship because he seems to have been cooling off for some time.

Next thing I see - A has posted a flouncy note on FetLife saying he's having some "Time Out". The following day he comes to see me (when he was originally to stay the night previous) and says, "I'm just not sure if poly and BDSM is for me anymore."

Soooooo......here's my real beef:

How can poly be "prefect for my situation" (A is in debt and can't live independently at the moment, so a relationship with little to no financial commitments seemed good for him) one week then suddenly not be what you want?

How come when I've tried to talk to him about what he'd like for our relationship has he avioded the issue? We could have talked about all this. I've made it clear to A I believe relationships can be renegotiated as much as they need to be.

A says he wants to be friends, but I have no real idea what that means. He says he needs time to "decide what he wants". He hasn't actually said he doesn't want a relationship with me anymore, or if he wants a temporary break, or what. He's just asked for "time" because "things are fragile" and he "doesn't want to bugger things up totally" when I've asked for clarity.

I suspect he was just too damn horny to begin with to really think through the reality of the situation. He claimed to have been in a poly relationship before (which is why I figured he'd be a good pick for my first) but it turns out he had an online "relationship" with a woman in the States (we're in the UK) who also had a BF in the US (and uncermoniously texted A to tell him she was moving in with said BF so couldn't do their online thing anymore, kthanxbye), so it's hardly the experience I feel he claimed.

I'm not sure if I can continue being friends with him since he won't qualify exactly what the issues are. However, we had a good connection, and I don't want to just tell him to fuck off if he's just having a weird brainstorm he'll regret in a month. Any advice/thoughts?
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