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  #31  
Old 05-13-2013, 03:19 PM
Matt Matt is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
To me? If it is not a "joyful yes" because....

"no" is not a "joyful yes"
a "maybe" is not a "joyful yes"
an "I'm not sure if it is maybe" is not a "joyful yes."

It is a NO vote. Anything "less than" joyful yes is not joyful yes.

Could not RUSH into life changing decisions after just getting the kerfuffle settled back down.

Could investigate the law further before the move -- Snowflake is NOT a step parent (legally) because she is not married to your wife. You are. What's the legal standing on that? What are the rights then?

It's a valid concern given recent history. Are you going to be held to something against your will if they apply without you? Can it be accepted?

Does that affect your decision to move there if you would now be under this other country's laws?

GG
I was able to read the law and all the sections, and I also asked for verbal clarification. I called the family court in Melbourne. It was explained to me in great detail. Initially, it was designed for step-parents who wanted legal rights without one of the biological parents having to waive their rights in order to make it happen. There is nothing expressly forbidding this from being approved.

These orders are very common with a lot of families. Not only with step-kids. If my best mate had a hand in raising my kids and was an integral part of their lives, and it could be proved, he could be granted one of these orders. Step-parent adoption isn't common in Australia unless the biological parent is deceased, so they have something in place to enable biological parents and another person to consent to raising a child together via co-parenting with this order. Hence the name of the agreement: Consent Order. This could be their nanny, a sibling, grandparents, or anyone who is helping to raise them, is "significant to their care, welfare, and development."

The part about an application being submitted with or without one of the parents' consent is a problem and a concern considering our history. It's not even rushing into it. This wasn't even a thought in my brain. It was mentioned by a mate, and it prompted me to think. I'm beginning to think it was more of a warning than suggestion from my mate. If things hadn't changed, she probably would've started the process without me. I'm not paranoid, but I know how she is. Those old habits aren't completely dead and buried.

Could it be approved without me? There's a high probability. Unless I can prove that her ex not significant to their care, well-being, or development, it would probably get done. How would I prove that? She's not not unfit to my knowledge. She's never abused them. An interview with my kid would probably prove that she's significant. With orders of these kind, they do what's in the best interest of the kids. I would likely end up having to fight them in court to have this overturned.

It doesn't change my mind about moving there, but I've often agreed with people when they say that ignorance of the law is no excuse. I appreciate the heads up. I don't think my Mrs. would do anything this underhanded, but I have to admit. I have concerns now. She's always viewed her ex as an equal co-parent, and this is probably just what she's been waiting to get her hands on.

Last edited by Matt; 05-13-2013 at 03:23 PM.
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  #32  
Old 05-13-2013, 05:00 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Matt, i don't have the chance to read both of your long posts right now, but after what you just went through? I don't recommend doing that. I didn't read gala girl'l whole post either, but i read the first part & i probably agree with the whole thing.

You know what you need to do? Read every single post and thread you and your wife wrote on here. Don't even read what other people wrote; just the two of you. Then use that to not make the same mistakes over and over.

I have to go now. The train just got to the last stop.
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  #33  
Old 05-13-2013, 05:17 PM
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Matt, i don't have the chance to read both of your long posts right now, but after what you just went through? I don't recommend doing that. I didn't read gala girl'l whole post either, but i read the first part & i probably agree with the whole thing.

You know what you need to do? Read every single post and thread you and your wife wrote on here. Don't even read what other people wrote; just the two of you. Then use that to not make the same mistakes over and over.

I have to go now. The train just got to the last stop.
I don't want to make the same mistakes. It wouldn't even be me going along with it. The fact that something like that exists doesn't put me at ease. I've read everything my wife has written, and it further proves why I have a reason to be concerned. There's no way in hell I'd ever willingly go along with it. Would that stop my Mrs. from going behind my back again? She did it once, so what's to stop her from doing it again on a larger scale? Mistrust is no joke.
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  #34  
Old 05-13-2013, 05:21 PM
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choctaw103 choctaw103 is offline
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Well, as far as this document goes, I am not sure specifically what you are asking. The more important issue to me would be that if you are that wounded and still have this many issues with trust, that is what I think that should be the major focus. I have seen other trust situations, while not as complex as yours, be enough to make any other work a moot point. At some point, it would seem to me to be to your advantage to decide whether or not you feel can trust your wife again. I know from previous experience that living in a situation where you can't let go and trust is a miserable existence. If you do feel that you can learn to trust her, then my humble opinion is to get through it and get to it. I know there is pain, and I understand from what I have read there is a willingness on both sides to give and work on things, so I would just think that letting go and believing would benefit you both. If you can't or don't feel you can, then what are you actually working toward?

I know that you both seem like good people that are trying to do the best you can, and I think you deserve to be happy.
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  #35  
Old 05-13-2013, 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by choctaw103 View Post
Well, as far as this document goes, I am not sure specifically what you are asking. The more important issue to me would be that if you are that wounded and still have this many issues with trust, that is what I think that should be the major focus. I have seen other trust situations, while not as complex as yours, be enough to make any other work a moot point. At some point, it would seem to me to be to your advantage to decide whether or not you feel can trust your wife again. I know from previous experience that living in a situation where you can't let go and trust is a miserable existence. If you do feel that you can learn to trust her, then my humble opinion is to get through it and get to it. I know there is pain, and I understand from what I have read there is a willingness on both sides to give and work on things, so I would just think that letting go and believing would benefit you both. If you can't or don't feel you can, then what are you actually working toward?

I know that you both seem like good people that are trying to do the best you can, and I think you deserve to be happy.
I agree with that, but I feel like I have to watch my wife. Old habits are still making appearances, and I'd be a fool to just believe her and trust her right now. I got burned, so I'm steering clear of the fire. I need full disclosure and to be shown that she's trustworthy. I don't think that's unreasonable. Her little omissions aren't doing me any favours either.

Cutting me out of having a say over my kids is a problem. I don't think she realises how big of a problem it was and might still be. She was still doing it up until a couple of weeks ago. If I don't want somebody around my kids, the least she could've done was respected it. She knew the situation was contentious. Why create more problems? Last time I checked, they are half mine.

I'm working towards trusting her, but in the mean time, I do question everything. Her behaviour makes me question her.
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  #36  
Old 05-13-2013, 05:44 PM
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choctaw103 choctaw103 is offline
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Ok, I guess the part I don't understand is who brought the document up and the imminent filing? While the fact it exists is interesting, I feel you are fretting over things that have not even been approached. Why not just mention it and ask if it was on anyone's mind? I just feel like you may be having phantom fears you don't need, especially considering all the things you do have to worry about. Reading the situation as it stands now, it seems you have all been making progress, I would give them the opportunity to discuss it with you to alleviate your fear. Perhaps it will become another chance for them to both prove to you that you can start to trust again.
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  #37  
Old 05-13-2013, 05:54 PM
Matt Matt is offline
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It was brought up by a mate, who was basically giving me a heads up. He is aware of the whole situation. He works in family court, so he's seen this kind of thing happen. We've been mates since we were 10, and I felt comfortable confiding in him.

It's not the imminent filing. It's the fact that it can be done with or without my consent. It has been brought up since I made that post, and let's just say she did nothing to alleviate the fear that she may try something. Here's what she said, "Hypothetically speaking, what if we were to do that, what would you say?" Yeah, that's not what I wanted to be asked. People wonder why my trust in her varies by the day.

We've made some progress. Nothing to write home about.
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  #38  
Old 05-13-2013, 06:02 PM
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I can see where you would have concern with the "hypothetical" comment. I just don't know why the living arrangement thing was changed if there are all these issues still roiling. The only defense would be for you to contest after it was filed if it was done without your permission? I would just think the behind your back thing would be the deal breaker anyway. Once again, I think that the easiest way would by dealing in absolutes right now, not in hypotheticals. You have so many things to still work through.
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  #39  
Old 05-13-2013, 06:15 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Don't just sit back and "watch your wife" to see if she if she goes behind your back. Speak up and tell them that this is bothering you and that you are afraid they will go behind your back! This is a subject that definitely calls for a discussion with all three of you. I think it's too soon to be cementing such things after the major kerfuffle (GalaGirl's term). Who knows where things will stand 2 years from now. Maybe this is something that you guys make a set time to discuss again one year from the date you move and then every 6-12 months after that or so, to see where everyone is on the issue.
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  #40  
Old 05-13-2013, 06:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt View Post
"Hypothetically speaking, what if we were to do that, what would you say?"
What was your response? Personally, if my spouse did something like that, behind my back after I said I didn't want it done, I'd be done and filing divorce paperwork the next day.
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