Berlin: Part 1
I wanted to go to Berlin for a long while before I finally got to. I'd never been there before but something about the place attracted me. A young, fun, freaky, fast, urban and sexy city, it seemed to be the solution to my problem that the country I work in is BORING. But my bigger problem was that I wanted to go to Berlin too badly. I gave it too much importance.
And then as things happen, I meet Greta and it turns out that she lives there. I wanted to go there before I knew her though my behaviour made Nisha suspicious and wonder if my wanting to go there really had nothing to do with Greta.
Greta and I kept in touch online quite a lot after she left India and she had invited me to visit her Berlin many times since. She knew I'd been wanting to go there, it's something we spoke about a lot. But with all the work I had going on and air-tickets being expensive, I didn't know when I'd be able to go.
Then Nisha found a sale online and we bought our tickets to Berlin for a good price. It was a 24 hour sale so we didn't have much time to think about it, we just went with it. I was really exited and happy to finally be going!
When I told Greta that we were coming, she was exited and happy too. Until she realised that Nisha was coming with me. I assumed it was because she might be nervous to meet Nisha so I explained to her that Nisha didn't have a problem with her and in fact wanted to meet her. Nisha had told me so once. When I told Greta that, she seemed to relax and said she was fine with meeting Nisha in that case.
This is when things started to get fucked up. Turns out that Nisha wasn't OK with meeting Greta. She was at one point but her feelings had changed and I had no idea. There's no easy way to explain this in a paragraph without a lot of confusing "he said she said"s, so I'm putting in down in bullet points. It happened like this:
- A long time ago, I was talking to Greta about a fight Nisha and I were having at the time.
- Greta told me she felt Nisha wasn't good for me because of the fight we were having and seeing how upset I was.
- I corrected her and told her that we had our ups and downs but when we are not fighting, Nisha is the perfect one for me. I reinforced this with examples of when Nisha stood by my side and how she makes me a better person and told her that she was the perfect girl I could have ever asked for.
- Greta then said she was a bit jealous of Nisha, I don't remember how I responded to that.
- I told Nisha about it.
- Nisha felt weird but kept it to her self that she didn't feel like meeting Greta anymore.
- I told Nisha that Greta was nervous to meet her and so I told Greta that Nisha wanted to meet Greta.
- Nisha then tells me that she doesn't want to meet Greta and asked me why I told Greta any such thing.
So Nisha was upset that I had told Greta that she wanted to meet her. And I immediately got angry thinking Nisha was simply trying to make things difficult now that we were actually going to Berlin. I can be very suspicious and quick to anger, it's my biggest weakness and I try to control it but I'm not always successful. So Nisha and I fought about this, about the Berlin trip and already I was beginning to worry that the trip might not be as perfect as I wanted it to be.
Greta invited us stay at her house. I didn't think it was a good idea. I know Nisha and I didn't think she would be comfortable staying there. I didn't feel comfortable with the idea my self so I thanked Greta and told her that we'd stay at a hotel instead. Greta didn't like that, she said she'd do anything to make Nisha feel comfortable at her place and that she would be sad if I went to Berlin without seeing her. I told her that just because we weren't staying with her didn't mean I wouldn't see her and she said OK.
Greta and I continued to chat online and she started suggesting/making plans of what we could do there. Places she wanted to show me. Places she thought we could go to to have breakfast. I'm trying to remember correctly now and I might be wrong, but it seems like she included herself in all these plans as if I was going to Berlin to visit her.
I would diplomatically say that the plans sounded good without committing to them. I think that was a mistake, because perhaps that led her to believe that I actually was going there to see her. Then Greta's parents invited us all for Easter at their place. I spoke to Nisha about these plans and invitations and Nisha began to feel left out. She felt that Greta and I were making plans without her, behind her back. She began to feel unwanted and wondered why she was coming to Berlin in the first place.
I did want her with me in Berlin. I wanted to explore Berlin with her. And at the same time I wanted to see Greta. But I tried to force the two together without giving Nisha her space to be OK with it.
Nisha began to ask me about my priorities and I took the question in a wrong way. I thought she was giving me an ultimatum, asking me to decide weather I wanted to spend my time in Berlin with her or Greta, that I couldn't do both. Initially she didn't want to meet Greta and suggested that I meet her by myself. I didn't like that idea, it made me feel like I would be doing it behind Nisha's back. I wanted them to meet and get along.
I wanted Greta to see that Nisha was real and that we were a good couple and that we were really in a poly relationship and that our relationship worked and I wasn't cheating on anyone.
But mainly, all I wanted was to go to Berlin and have a good time without complications and now it was all getting complicated and falling apart and I began to wish I never met Greta.
Nisha might have been new to this (meeting each other's other) too but she handled the situation in a much more mature way than I did. There were times when she asked me what I wanted from the trip and I would simple say, "To enjoy Berlin, that's all!". She tried to talk about our expectations, maybe the possible situations that might arise and all I did was stubbornly argue that I was going to Berlin to see Berlin and that I didn't want anything to go down with Greta and me. I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to go with the flow, not plan out anything.
Maybe she didn't ask me her questions in the right way but she tried. And what did I do, just throw it back in her face. Make her feel like she was the one making the trip more difficult than it actually was. I was angry, answered aggressively, we fought, we cried, it was just so much torture. We fought so many times about a trip that hadn't even started yet.
I feel like I was really, really stupid. I wish I spent more time and energy trying to see things her way, talking instead of fighting. I wish that I had found this forum before instead of after everything went shit.
I feel terrible. I hate what I did. All Nisha did was try and be good to me, to give me what I wanted. And I disrespected her, neglected her, put her through hell and broke her trust. I feel like a big shit.
In the end, Nisha and I thought that there was no reason for things to go badly. That maybe we were just being overly nervous. So we decided to accept their offer and go to Greta's parents place for Easter. At first we weren't sure if we wanted to go but Easter is the biggest celebrated holiday in Germany, bigger than even Christmas, and we wanted to see how a German family celebrates. It's always nice to be invited to somebodies house.
And because we accepted their invite, we also accepted Greta's offer to stay at her place on the day we land in Berlin. It would was more convenient than staying in a hotel the first day and trying to find each other early morning the next day. So that's what we did. We landed in Berlin, went straight to Greta's place and spent the first day and night there. The next day we left for her parents and spent the night there. When I think about it, I can't believe we actually did that. Most people meet each other over coffee or lunch… we jumped straight into a very deep end without and prior experience… in a way, we asked for it… but that does not justify that I behaved like a total asshole...