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  #11  
Old 05-12-2013, 11:03 PM
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pollyanna pollyanna is offline
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Originally Posted by Josie View Post
I live with one of my partners and he doesn't always sleep well, and often he just wants to stay up late playing computer games. Do I enjoy him sleeping next me? Yes. Do I prefer it that way? Yes. Do I lose sleep over it? No.

It is unhealthy in any relationship to not be able to be away from your partner. If possible I would suggest seeing someone about it. I know that's difficult where you with the language barrier, but it's possible (especially as some people are happy to do it via Skype or something similar). I think before you can figure out how to be with him, you probably need to learn how to be with YOURSELF. Learn to function on your own and not need to always be with someone, you never know, if you can learn to do that, the whole situation might seem more amenable to you.

I wish you luck.
I don't think it's a true comparison--it's very different when your SO is with someone else. I am not saying the reaction wasn't a bit over the top but sometimes sharing is very painful--when I embarked on this folly with dh and his former, I had just had surgery and he was unavailable to me when I felt I needed him because he was with 'HER'.

I do agree with the fact the you must be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. Leaving a 30 year relationship is HUGE and you didn't have any time to rebound before you entered into this situation. I think there has to be some deep emotional dreck you need to work through that doesn't concern your new family. And I'm sure you will.

And let me add this...not to be cruel at all because you and I are the same age. Is the age difference a problem? Coz I think I would not have much in common with someone 20 years my junior and when you are 70 he will only be 50. I don't want people thinking my partner is my son. You are both certainly at very different stages of life.
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  #12  
Old 05-12-2013, 11:05 PM
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The way I see your situation is that you are monogamous and that you want the typical white picket fence dream. He's been very clear that he's unable (or unwilling) to give that to you. So you have a decision to make, either stay with him and find it within yourself to truly accept that he has a real and meaningful relationship with his wife (even if it is very different than your relationship with him). Or you can move on and find a partner who is willing and able to give you their all. Neither of these decisions are easy and neither give you exactly what you want but that's the reality of life.
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  #13  
Old 05-13-2013, 12:15 AM
El186 El186 is offline
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I was in therapy for a bit....but my therapist retired and now I am looking for another. It is EXTREMELY hard for me to find a therapists or physicians that I can relate to, as many/most of them do not speak english. I was seeing the therapist for chronic pain issues. I have several painful, debilitating diseases and needed to see him for those reasons. I had not even TOUCHED on the whole poly thing or the fact that I spent 30 years in an abusive relationship...although I am seeing more and more that I need to talk to someone if I plan to stay in this relationship.

There are a couple of points that I need to clear up. I did not say that I stayed up all night crying because he was not in bed with me. I stayed UP all night and could not sleep. I know they are both prolly not good...but I was not crying all night and Pollyanna was right, there is a difference between him just being gone and between him being in her bed...there are many times now that he will stay up...usually playing computer games and while I wish he was with me, I certainly am not crying myself to sleep. It is hard for me to sleep without him, but I WILL. I did not ASK wife for that at ALL...and in fact had NEVER told her that I stayed up on the nights that he slept with her. I don't know if HE told her that I was worried about it while she was on vacation or what, but she came home and OFFERED it...without me asking or telling her about it an anyway. She just said that she knew I would hate to go back to sleeping half the time without him and that she was ok with him sleeping with me all the time. And I was grateful for that. She has REALLY been wonderful and I know that I am the problem in all this. I feel really bad about it, but I cannot help the way I feel.

As far as taking the kids if we married....I guess I wrote that wrong. What I meant was that when we DID have them that WE could "raise them" during that day or weekend or whatever...so I was never ever planning on taking them from their mother to have a perfect little family of my own. Been there done that. And really neither one of us are good with kids...so a weekend every now and then would be PLENTY!

As far as concessions, Josie, I have made some....but you are right. They have been few. One has been the house. I would love to have a house. But I have agreed to let that be her thing. We currently live in one large house and it is big enough that it could be divided into two smaller houses. Wife's main thing is that he be there for supper each evening...perhaps we could make some kind of arrangement that he could eat suppers with her at her side of the house and most of the rest of the time with me...as it IS that way now and she is fine with it??...idk....I am really NEEDING the quiet and the privacy. The kids are young and run screaming thru the house all day...this does not include all the time SHE screams at them. It is hard for me to sleep, as both he and I are daysleepers. And the constant chaos is not good for the ailments that I have. So I thought that some separation and privacy would be good for us. I have asked for my own apartment and he says that he cannot afford that, plus he did not want to physically be away from her and the kids like that and yet did not want me to be left alone either. I think this would be a perfect solution, but when I asked him about it, he did not seem amenable to it...as I was thinking that I would be able to cook for him too...and supper is her thing...:/....so maybe some compromise on that would work a little better....idk...

Polyanna...as far as the age difference goes....it means ALMOST nothing to me. Gee...it is not NEAR....NEAR as hard to handle as the polyamory thing. I could care less if people think he is my son. I used to look pretty good for my age, but since I have stopped dying my hair I think I look much older. But you just kind of know that going into it...that some people are going to think he is your son. So it does not bother me too much. As far as having things in common...we have TONS of things in common. I am not sure if he is OLDER or I am YOUNGER....LOL But THAT works quite well. No problems there. I have and DO often think about him being 50 and me being 70 and I think that is PART of what drives me to want to have a single lone relationship with him. I have just started menopause and I know....my body is aging fast. I was a nurse for almost 20 years...I KNOW what my illnesses do to a body. I KNOW my time is limited. I know that MAYBE I will have another 15 years and then....idk. I want every MOMENT to be spent with him enjoying what little bit of life I have left. I am not sure I can spend it like this. I am just not sure...and not sure what to do about it.
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  #14  
Old 05-13-2013, 02:08 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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That was a lot. I hope you feel better for the vent.

How about trying again now that you are a bit calmer to organize your thoughts into the buckets? Just... identify and sort into buckets?

Here are the 7 dimensions of wellness. I am not going to ID all of them out of your post for you. I am just putting a few that resonated in there for examples, ok?

You could fill out the rest on paper for yourself to begin to get a handle on things.

my physical health
-- concern for aging, menopause
-- care in old age? age difference between you?

my mental health
-- stress, worries for future
-- lost my therapist, seeking new
-- healing from abusive husband (maybe not totally healed?)

my emotional health (processing feelings appropriately)
--emotional flooding
--yelling at the partner, anger
--sadness, missing family in the states
--huge blow up vent. how long was this stuffed down/in?

environmental health (psychological and physical environment)
-- loud with kids. Would like quieter living space. (physical space issue)
-- I live in "her" house. I have no space of "my own." (Psychological space issue)

financial/occupational health
--old age/health bills?

social health
--cannot speak language. Lonely for other people, kinda "shut in" sounding
-- "inlaw" problems
-- struggling with polyship roles of each player, expectations of each player

spiritual health
-- ??? <---- glaringly absent. No examples of community worship, justice/volunteering to do for others in the community, creative outlets (dance, song, paint), body practices (yoga, hike, meditate), spiritual friendships to have "baring of the soul" conversations with, nothing! Are you bone dry? What gives you the joie de vivre? What feeds your soul?

After you have enough of them identified and organized, then you could go back and assign each a value and would it would take to solve.
What's easy to solve in in less than 1 mos? In 3 mos? 6 mos? 9 mos? 12 mos?

Do you have an two-fer things?

Like would a visit to your stateside family help give you points in the mental wellness bucket (away from noise of Europe family) and points in the social wellness bucket (alleviate missing relatives stateside)? If your finances allow -- you could arrange this ASAP.

Right now to me you sound like you don't feel "valued" and you want it to be demonstrated with a) most of the time spent with me, b) sex with me only c) follow through on some long term promises with me. (marriage, housing issue)

Right now you also sound like you want more "take control of my life" and like you feel it is out of your control and in disarray somehow.

Well... could take it one thing at a time and tend to your various wellness buckets so you can be at peace and ok in yourself.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-13-2013 at 02:21 AM.
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  #15  
Old 05-13-2013, 02:42 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Cowgirl comes to mind.

But-in the interest of not-derailing the thread:

My advice is, figure out what you need to have some privacy first.
Seriously, I am in a V, as the hinge. My boyfriend and my husband are both straight and NOT interested in sharing me beyond the acceptance that I love both of them. We live together. At one point, with 5 kids.

BUT WE HAVE ALWAYS made a point of ensuring everyone has privacy and personal space and personal time alone. It is an imperative for sanity.


So, figure out what YOU need to change so that YOU can get YOUR needs met YOURSELF.
Stop focusing on THEM, HIM, HER etc-and focus on what YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE YOURSELF so that YOU are meeting YOUR needs.

After you figure that out-then you might be clear headed enough to address the rest of the situation.

Finally-at no point is it acceptable or reasonable for you to pressure him to leave his partner-REGARDLESS of what YOUR opinion is of their relationship. That is NOT your relationship or your business.
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  #16  
Old 05-13-2013, 05:00 AM
El186 El186 is offline
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Galagirl....thank you so much for that. Especially for taking the time to write all that out to try to help. It means a lot to me...and yes, it was a long vent....funny thing is I had to shorten it TWICE just to get it to post! I am not familar with using buckets or points as you were talking about. I will read the info from the website you gave me, but just skimming over it, I did not find anything about putting those things into buckets and/or assigning a point value. Is that something that you have figured out yourself? Or is there another place that I can look at to get a better idea of how to categorize things or assign a value?....some examples of peoples problems and how they used the "system" to sort things out.

LovingRadiance....thanks too. That is twice today that I have been called a cowgirl. I had to look thru all the definitions to find it. I may be....at this point in time, I am not too certain of anything. All I know is, that if I AM, I did not go into it intending to be. I really meant to make it work. But not ever having attempted anything like this before, I may have underestimated how difficult it could be and now find myself either unwilling or unable to make it work.

I guess if I am to depend on MYSELF for my OWN happiness and to do what I need to do to make that happen, then I need to take any response from him out of the picture. Basically telling myself to accept it the way it is, find a way within myself to "like" it or get out of it and start over. Am I understanding that correctly?
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  #17  
Old 05-13-2013, 10:50 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by El186 View Post

I guess if I am to depend on MYSELF for my OWN happiness and to do what I need to do to make that happen, then I need to take any response from him out of the picture. Basically telling myself to accept it the way it is, find a way within myself to "like" it or get out of it and start over. Am I understanding that correctly?
Having been in similar (not the cowgirl part but the isolation, lack of space, no privacy, missing my child etc) circumstances that was the choice I needed to make and at the end I left. BEST choice I ever made, my life made an 180 degree turn, my physical, mental and emotional health came right back and since then one of the two most happiest events of my life has happened.
Don't let yourself be a victim of the relationship you are in, you can't change him, but you can change you!!!

Despite my cynicism and my general sarcasm, I am a very happy woman, I am not disillusioned with Poly, I just made some very bad choices for my wellbeing but that does not mean I needed to suffer with them for the rest of my days!!!!!!!!!!!
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  #18  
Old 05-13-2013, 10:50 AM
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pollyanna pollyanna is offline
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ok, i'll bite...what's a cowgirl?

i don't think you have to just 'accept it the way it is'. any relationship should include communication with all parties being free to express their opinions and needs to the others. Part of the issue here, imo, is the way you are expressing your needs. Histrionics and demanding he leave his family really isn't, imo, fair. It's not like you got to that country and then he told you 'oh, btw, i have a wife and kids'.

Being a member of a poly family doesn't give anyone license to be a (for want of a better word) 'homewrecker'. Maybe this really isn't the lifestyle for you. It's difficult, even when you're in the catbird seat-as a hinge, it is my job to help faciliate smooth and happy relationships and harmony within our family. Hard enough to do with one partner, much less with multiples.

You Do need to find peace and happiness from within you-no other person can make you happy if you are not. But there IS happiness that comes from our surroundings and the people with whom we live. But I think you have to give happiness...compromise...and sometimes, yes, just suck it up...to your significant others-him and her. Family time is important to their children. Dinner together is also important to you so there has to be some compromise there. Maybe he eats dinner with you 2 nights a week and you don't complain the other 5. Maybe you pack him a lunch and picnic with him a couple times a week. You can put on your thinking cap and figure something out.

It is my experience that when you give someone an ultimatum, they almost never choose the option YOU want them to...and if they do, it doesn't last for long. Nobody likes to be pushed.
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  #19  
Old 05-13-2013, 10:51 AM
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pollyanna pollyanna is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Having been in similar (not the cowgirl part but the isolation, lack of space, no privacy, missing my child etc) circumstances that was the choice I needed to make and at the end I left. BEST choice I ever made, my life made an 180 degree turn, my physical, mental and emotional health came right back and since then one of the two most happiest events of my life has happened.
Don't let yourself be a victim of the relationship you are in, you can't change him, but you can change you!!!

Despite my cynicism and my general sarcasm, I am a very happy woman, I am not disillusioned with Poly, I just made some very bad choices for my wellbeing but that does not mean I needed to suffer with them for the rest of my days!!!!!!!!!!!
very well said.
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  #20  
Old 05-13-2013, 10:54 AM
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pollyanna pollyanna is offline
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by the way, i think you were TERRIBLY BRAVE to even attempt this in a foreign country away from friends and family and all that you knew. I don't think I could have.
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