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  #21  
Old 05-13-2013, 02:13 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
As someone in a developing triad, I have poured over the recommended links and posts about unicorn hunters. Of course our situation is different because my gf and I started up as a totally separate relationship in a V formation. Just recently have my husnand gf started having feelings for eachother. But many of the warning signs scared me at first. A couple with little poly experience (we have none) was one red flag I consistently hear. But I'm committed to letting each relationship develop as they will without putting definitions on what they have to look like. (Someone remind me of this if I have a freak out). This means MD and FJ are planning to have solo dates, and eventually solo sex if they want. Which they do. If MD and I don't work out, I don't know how I could handle her and FJ still dating, but I will have to handle that as things come up if ever. Pouring through this forum and reading the advice and links has been crucial to helping me sort through how to handle this stuff.
This is how a triad can start ... My problem is when couples start hunting as a unit with an all or nothing attitude.
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  #22  
Old 05-13-2013, 03:08 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Francesca, you guys are NO WAY CLOSE to a unicorn-hunter situation. Sometimes people seem to think that "unicorn-hunter bashing" is about being "anti-triad". Not so, not at all whatsoever. It's a certain ATTITUDE. It is not about prejudice or preference.
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  #23  
Old 05-13-2013, 03:48 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
Pouring through this forum and reading the advice and links has been crucial to helping me sort through how to handle this stuff.
That's really good to hear.
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  #24  
Old 05-13-2013, 04:56 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
MY issue with Unicorn hunters are they are forcing couple privilege upon someone else. Meaning that most of the time the primary union comes first and you play by our rules or else.

The situation seems to come with a mile long list of rules..

You can only date both of us...
You can only see us every 3rd Saturday..
If so and so gets jealous you can be kicked out..
Our life events are more important than yours...
You have to have sex with both of us together...
Husband has to watch....
Your life has to revolve around us...

Blah blah blah.. There is no room for relationships to grow organically at its own pace.
You have to have sex with both of us, yes, that's a fucked up thing to do. But I also view it as fucked up to ridicule or attempt to humiliate a couple because they are looking for a third, even if they only want a third who they can see as a couple. It does work out for some people, and I have also seen it work it when the "unicorn" isn't attracted to the female but they still continue all other aspects of the relationship just not threesome sex.
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  #25  
Old 05-13-2013, 05:06 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
My pet peeve about unicorn hunters is that they have this notion of how it MUST be and then they moan and wail when they caaaaan't fiiiiiind someone waaah!!!!!! This after deciding they "are poly" two months ago and being on OK Cupid for like a week.

There are other things to roll one's eyes about when it comes to this "perfect triad" stuff, but it's the attitude of ENTITLEMENT that makes me vomit in my mouth just a little bit each time.

So what exactly is an "attitude of ENTITLEMENT" ?

I have never read of any couples who come here implying they are entitled to anything. That type of talk is far more than stretch to read into someone's words, especially when they are simply stating what they are looking for. That's only a shy hair away from the crap that Poly Veaux Francis posts, like tearing into people who post tips on how to avoid situations rapists are known to exploit and having the nerve to read that as "victim blaming"

I get that you have a lot of personal connotation hidden in your words that never get directly addressed, but as I see it, if you can't mention it directly it pretty much means YOU don't have the right bitch and moan
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  #26  
Old 05-13-2013, 05:12 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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And that is why everyone is telling you that it is the attitude they are "bashing". The couple you are referring to is not unicorn hunting any more at that stage. They are a couple that tries to work it out with a third. But the kind of unicorn hunting couple the others referred to would just kick that third out because their imagined ideal state of a relationship is not reached and start looking for someone perfect again.

When you see again and again that a couple is stating said list Dagferi posted, they are the typical unicorn hunters and the attitude is right in your face. Of course, they can come around to a healthier attitude, but that does not change the innitial starting point.
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Last edited by Phy; 05-13-2013 at 05:23 AM.
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  #27  
Old 05-13-2013, 05:26 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
As someone in a developing triad, I have poured over the recommended links and posts about unicorn hunters. Of course our situation is different because my gf and I started up as a totally separate relationship in a V formation. Just recently have my husnand gf started having feelings for eachother. But many of the warning signs scared me at first. A couple with little poly experience (we have none) was one red flag I consistently hear. But I'm committed to letting each relationship develop as they will without putting definitions on what they have to look like. (Someone remind me of this if I have a freak out). This means MD and FJ are planning to have solo dates, and eventually solo sex if they want. Which they do. If MD and I don't work out, I don't know how I could handle her and FJ still dating, but I will have to handle that as things come up if ever. Pouring through this forum and reading the advice and links has been crucial to helping me sort through how to handle this stuff.
it usually has a lot more to do with the people not being good at relationships in general. It has a lot more to do with being indifferent to how their behavior effects others or when one of the three pretends to care, but their behavior is passive aggressive and they intentional antagonize the other.

There isn't anything to be afraid of so long as each of you can be honest and genuinely care about the well being of everyone involved in your relationship. It only takes one person to sabotage and destroy any polyship framework. There are so many seemingly insignificant subtle ways that someone with selfish intentions can ruin even the strongest relationships. Sometimes it does occur and the person responsible truly isn't aware of their behavior, which is why communication that's open and honest is so important.

There are also situations where the obliviousness is due to the person simply not caring how others feel, not much a person can do to remedy that, but few if any triads implode or explode because all parties involved were too concerned about each other's well being and happiness. It's disrespect, not keeping agreements, or having trouble with honesty that causes wrecked relationships. And then there is always the passive aggressive one bad apple that can ruin the best of any polyships, but when it's recognized the nuclear meltdown crisis can be averted.

Knowing the people you share your life with is crucial.
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  #28  
Old 05-13-2013, 05:43 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default It is obvious your advice comes from wanting to help

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Not trying to accuse or bash or attack or even actually change your mind about what you want, per se. But you said you were doing research (right on!), so, in case you haven't read it yet: http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/ (helpful both for understanding why people are so accusatory, and for recognizing common pitfalls, just really well written and balanced).

It makes a big difference when the person giving advice isn't hoping that the relationship blows up in their face. I have never read a post from you that isn't trying to help people along. There is nothing wrong with pointing out the pitfalls that people may not be aware of, especially when not being aware of it could be the point of contention that destroys the triad.

It's not just about couples looking for a third who with be in a relationship with both people, there are numerous poly pitfalls for any and all configurations of non-monogamy. Helping people recognize what they may not be aware of is always helpful. The advice you give never has a tone of attempting to punish people, it is hard enough for people to find balance in relationships that include more than two, nobody needs to feel ridiculed for making mistakes that they were not aware of. Any poly site is lucky to have you contributing ABMore
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  #29  
Old 05-13-2013, 06:49 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
So what exactly is an "attitude of ENTITLEMENT" ?

I have never read of any couples who come here implying they are entitled to anything. That type of talk is far more than stretch to read into someone's words, especially when they are simply stating what they are looking for. That's only a shy hair away from the crap that Poly Veaux Francis posts, like tearing into people who post tips on how to avoid situations rapists are known to exploit and having the nerve to read that as "victim blaming"

I get that you have a lot of personal connotation hidden in your words that never get directly addressed, but as I see it, if you can't mention it directly it pretty much means YOU don't have the right bitch and moan
Ok, i just typed up an answer to all this and suddenly my ipod turned against me and closed the browser. It is not worth it to me to write it all again because i have decided that all you want is to be offended, not to have a productive discussion like the rest of us are doing. You get a limited amount of credit for starting the thread, but frankly ( no pun intended), you are the one who goes around lecturing, scolding, and "attacking" people while not contributing anything except pages and pages of psychobabble. I see no benefit in responding to your posts, therefore this will be the last time i do so. it is a waste of time to try to understand your meandering, stream-of-unconsciousness style, and even when it seems to sort of make sense, it's still all WTF.

That is all.

The End.

Bye.
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  #30  
Old 05-13-2013, 10:39 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default once I get upset I do babble, don't I

On the bright side, it does give you the perfect excuse to not having to own up or explain bullying and posting from other accounts without looking stupid or appearing cowardly.

But you aren't technically breaking any user guidelines, so you are in the clear anyways. You shouldn't feel like you have to explain anything.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 05-13-2013 at 10:45 AM.
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