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  #11  
Old 01-18-2010, 09:38 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
What are those people called who identify as poly and want to have an environment of people they know to have sex with?
People.

I don't think that swinging and poly are mutually-exclusive - people can have activities that are poly and activities that are swinging, but there are some that practice one and not the other. To me it's like asking what we call people that practice both polyamory and BDSM.... why do we need a new name for them/us?

There are those that seem to have an agenda to blur the lines between the definitions of polyamory and swinging, saying that it excludes people if we don't (or puts up walls) - I don't agree. It's not a black-or-white thing and there are all sorts of (delicious) shades between.

If those that swing have an issue with using that word, maybe it's time to reclaim it and to remove the (possibly perceived) stigma associated with it.
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Last edited by CielDuMatin; 01-18-2010 at 09:41 PM.
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  #12  
Old 01-18-2010, 09:39 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
People.

I don't think that swinging and poly are mutually-exclusive - people can have activities that are poly and activities that are swinging, but there are some that practice one and not the other. To me it's like asking what we call people that practice both polyamory and BDSM.... why do we need a new name for them/us?
pbdsm
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  #13  
Old 01-18-2010, 10:18 PM
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If sexuality ever becomes this normalized for me, please shoot me. I like the pedestal I have placed it on. For me personally it gives it depth, meaning and purpose. I don't fuck just to fuck nor do I use it as a bonding agent in relationships or a recreational past time. I like the fact that it is something I share very restrictively. But that's me...and we all know I am one freaky dude

Peace and love...but no sex Unless your name is Redpepper
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I must be one freaky dude too.....

SHIT-I'm not a dude!

GS-I DO see your point. I don't care one whit about a sex party.

I guess the part for me is that I don't consider sex=love or love=sex.

So I wouldn't call a sex party a multiple-love party.

On this note (there was SO much...argument? discussion? not sure) about this differentiation before, and I haven't stopped perusing my own self over it.

I used to "sleep around" quite a bit. Didn't bother me and I know others who do-and that doesn't bother me either.

The key difference is that we don't call it love-we call it GREAT SEX (or so-so sex, or lousy sex depending on what fits on each occassion).
We're cool with anyone having (preferably great) sex with anyone else as they wish.


Having watched Avatar-I thought the "not people" in that movie had a GREAT concept of love compared to people. They saw it as being pertinent to an energy source that connected ALL. Not all "people", ALL, all animals, people, plants etc. It was all interconnected.

When I have sex, well that "interconnection to the "energy source" that connects all life-well it isn't necessarily there. BUT when I love-it always is.......
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  #14  
Old 01-18-2010, 10:22 PM
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I identify closer to poly than I do to swinging, because the randomness and chaos of a swinger party (never been only going by descriptions) sounds annoyingly like a keg party. I have been to those and random act of sex is something I am not capable of.
I just have to say-the mental picture you created here was MUCH the way I feel. I can't explain it-but annoying was a good word for my emotion.
I smiled again.
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Old 01-18-2010, 10:25 PM
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
There are those that seem to have an agenda to blur the lines between the definitions of polyamory and swinging, saying that it excludes people if we don't (or puts up walls) - I don't agree. It's not a black-or-white thing and there are all sorts of (delicious) shades between.

If those that swing have an issue with using that word, maybe it's time to reclaim it and to remove the (possibly perceived) stigma associated with it.
That's kind of it for me. I think you can be poly AND swing AND BDSM.
I'm poly, and I have a D/s relationship (well two). I wouldn't say I'm one or the other, I would say I am both.
I don't understand what the big deal is of saying "we're poly swingers". OK I get it-you have (or are open to) sex with and without love AND you have (or are open to)multiple loves-clear as day to me....
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  #16  
Old 01-18-2010, 10:52 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
There are those that seem to have an agenda to blur the lines between the definitions of polyamory and swinging, saying that it excludes people if we don't (or puts up walls) - I don't agree. It's not a black-or-white thing and there are all sorts of (delicious) shades between.
It seems to me that the "agenda" you speak of is merely about being inclusive. You said yourself that it isn't a black or white thing, yet people still feel the need to regard definitions that are acceptable for themselves as acceptable for everyone, to the exclusion of other perspectives. Perhaps you would see it differently if you found yourself on the outside of that wall that you don't see.
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  #17  
Old 01-19-2010, 12:50 AM
sisterinlove sisterinlove is offline
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Default Poly-swinger-etcetc

It seems to me that what all this amounts to is acceptance of "each to their own" and respect of the views and comfort levels of those around us.

One might be poly and like to get their butt whupped (or vice versa) or one might be poly and like to experience/experiment with casual sex or one might be poly and prefer only missionary, in the dark, don't look at me sex or be poly and completely platonic about it (and anything in between).

Labels can give us definition and a sense of belonging, but labels can also hem us in and keep us from expressing ourselves to our fullest. They can make us question who we are and whether or not we are worthy as individuals. It is all a matter of perspective. Many people here found the label "polyamory" and thought "Oh thank (your choice of higher power). I am not alone/I am not weird/I am not a bad person. There are others like me," and grabbed onto that label for all they were worth to stabilize themselves in an often unstable world, not realizing that that label means different things to different people. Some view it as the strict definition, others view it as larger and more flexible. And in having our own view of the label, we can be confused/upset/offended/disturbed/shaken/frightened by another's wildly different view.

Perhaps, for me, the best perspective to have is that a label can help to explain (not define) a portion of who I am so that others can understand. There is no one label that can truly explain the whole of an individual and their situation, except perhaps "complicated." So when someone comes along and gives a different view or invites me to something that does not comfortably fit my own view of that label, I can just smile and shake my head and say "Not really my thing, but thanks for thinking of me." No judgement, no distaste, and something new to ponder so that I can understand myself a little better.

Anyway, just my two cents. Y'all can take it, leave it, or juggle it in your mind and see where the thoughts fall.
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  #18  
Old 01-19-2010, 01:13 AM
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Thanks sister. I wish I could be so nonchalant about it all. Getting there... Working on it... You are obviously more advanced in your thoughts on it than I. I'm just confused at this point but understand your stance.
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  #19  
Old 01-19-2010, 02:46 AM
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I know my poly friends in order to talk about poly, get to know them as people and explore the possibility of moving that relationship further with some. Maybe my friend is moving that possibility further with the whole group? Maybe they are ready for that too? Apparently so...
I wanted to expand on this statement I made... I see my poly friends at the moment to be friends like the ones I have made on here. We discuss details about our lives, compare who we are with each other, agree and disagree, go a bit further in that we do things together that aren't poly, they are friends... a group of friends... I don't see them in the realm of sex. We talk about sex, but it's more in terms of standing side by side with each other and supporting each other in terms of the relationships that we have outside of our group (sometimes in it) and friendships.

I guess the difference to me is level of involvement maybe? I don't want to be involved that deeply with the group as a whole, but perhaps with individuals within it. There are some people going that I have talked to briefly, or have only just met... it seems rather odd to then engage them sexually when we were just hanging out at a potluck and talking about our kids.

Maybe if I had known that eventually it would come down to having sex with them I would of prepared myself differently? Gone to socialize with them in a different frame of mind perhaps? What will happen after? Will I feel like I am not apart of the group because they have reached a level of depth that I was not involved in (to me sex with those I know and care about can go no other way than deepen my connection to them)? Will I feel comfortable hanging out with them? Will I witness the downfall of our group or will it splinter? I have a lot of questions that make me anxious...
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  #20  
Old 01-19-2010, 03:09 AM
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I guess for me it comes down to recognizing that this is not about the whole group. Big groups generally consist of many smaller groups. Like communities within cities or high schools where there are jocks, preps, emos etc. They all go to the same school, they all have some interaction and they come together for specific classes at specific times.

I have riding friends. We are separate within a bigger social environment because we ride motorbikes. Therefore we do things that other friends don't. We do however come together at different similar interest times like lunches or coffee room chat.

Educational get togethers and social events with our poly friends are open to everyone but not everyone goes because they are not interested. The concept of a social network of people who will explore sex together is the same although it is more closed. That does not mean that when they are not having sex they still won't participate in the social gatherings and educational meetings.
Although they are engaging in a different activity I don't see it as being a deeper level. Do I feel like people are worried they won't be accepted because they don't go to poly family events? Nope....I bet they don't either. Is that another level? Sure it is.

Every group of people with similar interests will also contain smaller groups of people with "other" similar interests. Like the people who play Role playing games at our parties. They sometimes break off and do their own thing. We all spend time together at other times.

Will the group splinter because of smaller groups forming? Maybe...but group dynamics are hardly static.

Do I think group sex play will be the defining attribute of my local poly community? Nope..and if it does than live and let live, it won't be my community any more.

The question is is this a matter of wanting to be included in everything...or wanting to be included with the "cool kids".
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