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  #11  
Old 05-12-2013, 08:42 PM
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Hi all, and thanks... I glad to hear I'm not being unreasonable, because what i'm asking for doesn't FEEL unreasonable to me.

Dagferi, yes, I want to be one arm of a v. Maybe that does make me "not really poly", but I don't think so. It's just practical for me, because i have limited time (single mom with busy job). I don't think I could do more than one partner justice and give them proper attention, and I don't really crave more than one partner.

The other reason I want to be part of a v is that I was once married to a husband who had repeated affairs. Neighbours, friends etc were constantly "revealing" them to me (often, taking wicked pleasure in my reaction). It was a shitty situation. I don't want to be cheated on and lied to anymore. I figure that if I seek out poly partners, then it's less likely that I'll wind up with a cheating liar.

and, BoringGuy, well... don't know what to say to all that stuff except, of course i masturbate. If that was all I needed, then life would be pretty easy. But I didn't seek out this couple; she contacted ME. Not sure how I'm supposed to know what a couple wants unless I ask them... and that's all I did -- I asked him.

anyway, glad to hear I'm not looking for something that doesn't exist. Hopefully I'll get better at spotting the assholes at an earlier and earlier stage.
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  #12  
Old 05-12-2013, 09:13 PM
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Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
They both seem perfectly nice, he is attractive, etc. But when discussing how they “do this” i.e. the open relationship, it was the same old story as with my former lover: secondary partners are really just sex partners, and anything “romantic” (which would include the man and the secondary going out for drinks or dinner and not having sex) is not allowed. There is a new twist with this couple: while the woman is “not really bisexual” (same as me, I’d describe myself as not REALLY bisexual), the couple try to mostly “hang out all together” with secondary partners, and limit the time either one of them spends alone with any secondary partner. The purpose of this seems to be to preclude a “romance” between them and their secondaries, rather than to create an actual triad with a relationship between the two (straight) women.
EWEWEWEWEWEWEWWwww. Ugh. I hope you don't go for this. What a gross, objectifying, unsatisfying, less-than position to allow yourself to be put into. Don't do it. You deserve better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
What I WOULD like is to have a self-contained, emotionally UNRESTRICTED relationship with a male hinge (I don’t care if his paramour is a man or a woman). Fully disclosed to his other partner, conducted in good faith, with the goal of not detracting in any way from their relationship.

Is this something that doesn’t exist, or is not possible? This man (the woman’s partner who I talked to on the phone) seemed to think that it’s a totally unreasonable expectation. Is he right?
Yes, this exists and is totally possible. My gf's husband has such a relationship with his gf (see sig line for names). Gia and Helen are friends, Eric and Helen have dates just the two of them, he's not sure if he's falling in love with her or not but it's ok if he does. This man, in calling such a scenario unreasonable, is either ignorant of how a lot of poly people conduct their relationships, or is purposefully being manipulative by trying to convince you that you can't have what you want. You can.

Keep looking, stick to your standards, you'll be glad you did once the right situation comes along.

Good luck!!
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  #13  
Old 05-12-2013, 09:49 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
Dagferi, yes, I want to be one arm of a v. Maybe that does make me "not really poly", but I don't think so. It's just practical for me, because i have limited time (single mom with busy job). I don't think I could do more than one partner justice and give them proper attention, and I don't really crave more than one partner.

The other reason I want to be part of a v is that I was once married to a husband who had repeated affairs. Neighbours, friends etc were constantly "revealing" them to me (often, taking wicked pleasure in my reaction). It was a shitty situation. I don't want to be cheated on and lied to anymore. I figure that if I seek out poly partners, then it's less likely that I'll wind up with a cheating liar..
Yet you get upset if you would come second to someone else or the relationship was purely sexual. I do not understand why you would want to put yourself in a situation where you will run across the whole primary/secondary mess. Why not just date an equally busy man.There are plenty of them. I know at least 5 or 6 of Murf's friends who fall under that category.

We have plenty of liars and cheaters amongst the umbrella of poly too. Being poly isn't going to save you from them. Most men are not like your ex husband. Do not judge them all with one brush.

The general public will view you as a disgusting cheater. You will be labeled the other woman unless you are kept as a big dark secret. Unless you are looking for someone with some distance from your home. Most married men even with their wife's full permission are may not to be able to date you locally. They could lose quite a bit if they do. If they have to be on the down low there is no sharing your joys via facebook just in case someone who would have issues would see it. I could go on and on.

The things I have lost since being poly..
  • Family
  • Friends
  • Job

I found out quickly who truly cared for me. It is not an easy road to travel.

The only thing that makes my situation easier than most is my husband is from Chicago and has no ties to this area. And his social network here is the BDSM community and they are open minded folks. Murf grew up here. So we are free to socialize with his friends openly. But we are in the closet to 98% of his family. They would not understand.
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Last edited by Dagferi; 05-12-2013 at 09:54 PM.
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  #14  
Old 05-13-2013, 02:16 AM
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Yeah, your logic is a bit flawed. Since you're not interested in having multiple relationships yourself, why shrink your dating pool by limiting yourself to only poly guys who are in relationships? Just date whomever tickles your fancy, whether they are mono or poly. Plenty of mono guys would be content to date casually.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-13-2013 at 02:19 AM.
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  #15  
Old 05-14-2013, 01:45 AM
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Hi all, and thanks... I glad to hear I'm not being unreasonable, because what i'm asking for doesn't FEEL unreasonable to me.

Dagferi, yes, I want to be one arm of a v. Maybe that does make me "not really poly", but I don't think so. It's just practical for me, because i have limited time (single mom with high-pressure job). I don't think I could do more than one partner justice and give them proper attention, and I don't really crave more than one partner.

The other reason I want to be part of a v is that I was once married to a husband who had repeated affairs (probably 20+ different affairs). Neighbours, friends etc were constantly "revealing" them to me (often, taking wicked pleasure in my reaction). It was a shitty situation. I don't want to be cheated on and lied to ever again. I figure that if I seek out poly partners, then it's less likely that I'll wind up involved with that kind of person again.

and, BoringGuy, well... I was going to say something defensive (other than to remind you I DIDN'T seek out this couple -- they are complete strangers and they contacted me out of the blue) but, actually, to your point, if there were such a thing as male sex workers who offered their services to women (and why the heck aren't there???), I would hire one on a once-a week basis and just give up on trying to meet decent men for the rest of the summer. I can't find out why I only attract the exact kind of people I don't want to attract.

Anyway, glad to hear I'm not looking for something that doesn't exist. Hopefully I'll get better at spotting the players at an earlier and earlier stage.
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  #16  
Old 05-14-2013, 01:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post

The other reason I want to be part of a v is that I was once married to a husband who had repeated affairs (probably 20+ different affairs). Neighbours, friends etc were constantly "revealing" them to me (often, taking wicked pleasure in my reaction). It was a shitty situation. I don't want to be cheated on and lied to ever again. I figure that if I seek out poly partners, then it's less likely that I'll wind up involved with that kind of person again.


Just a side note, the answer to stop cheating is not poly. Poly people can be cheaters too. Saying that you are in an open relationship doesn't mean there won't be cheating. There are people that aren't open or honest, that aren't going to be respectful of your boundaries or agreements made and will lie. Even if you tell them, "Hey, no rules but tell me. Don't care who you date or fuck, I just want to know." And can't follow that. So don't think that because you decide to be an open relationship or poly there will be NO lying or cheating at all.
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  #17  
Old 05-15-2013, 10:41 AM
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leelee22 leelee22 is offline
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Nope... you're not going to get rid of me so easily.

I don't want "a nice single (non-poly) man for casual dating". For starters, I don't WANT casual dating! I want a serious, loving relationship, just like other people want. I don't have the freedom to move in with anyone or have them move in with me because of a promise I made to my kids. Also, I have less time than is enough for most partners. Not less love to give, just less TIME.

And i don't mind being "secondary" in status to another woman at all. I just want not to be just a sexual plaything. I don't think it's automatically true that to be a secondary, you need to be just a "fuck buddy".

And I think that logically, there IS less cheating in the poly community. To say there isn't is a pretty serious indictment of polyamory. I think it's the reverse: if you are a cheater, you are NOT really part of the poly community. You don't have the moral courage to be. I have met a handful of poly people in real life now, and the thing that impresses me about them is their ethics. they tell me things like "I used to be a cheater, but then I decided i couldn't do that to her anymore, because I love her. So I confessed, and we negotiated this new relationship, and it's harder than cheating, but it's better."

Men who have the balls and the empathy to do that are the pool of partners I intend to choose my beloved from. Even if this board labels me as "not really poly."
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Old 05-15-2013, 05:48 PM
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leelee I'm not saying you're not poly but maybe you are expecting too much from it. The part about wanting an actual relationship and not just sex isn't unreasonable but the part where finding a poly partner means you're going to automatically get x,y,z is.

People who are in open relationships are like any other group of people, some are lousy people, some aren't. You're probably not increasing your odds of finding someone who is looking for the exact type of relationship you are looking for and who will treat you well and respect you. In fact by looking for not just a guy who identifies as poly, but a guy who is already in a primary relationship you are sort of painting yourself with unicorn/third sex partner hunter bait. Obviously that isn't what you are looking for but it probably sounds close enough for you to be attracting them. I guess what I'm trying to say is, listen to NYC. Maybe let go a bit of the poly term and just stick to that description of what you are looking for and what you are looking to give. If someone approaches you with some other idea its easier to say thats not what I'm looking for and not be confused by what you think poly should be not matching what others thing poly should be.
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  #19  
Old 05-15-2013, 06:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
Nope... you're not going to get rid of me so easily.

I don't want "a nice single (non-poly) man for casual dating". For starters, I don't WANT casual dating! I want a serious, loving relationship, just like other people want. I don't have the freedom to move in with anyone or have them move in with me because of a promise I made to my kids. Also, I have less time than is enough for most partners. Not less love to give, just less TIME.

And i don't mind being "secondary" in status to another woman at all. I just want not to be just a sexual plaything. I don't think it's automatically true that to be a secondary, you need to be just a "fuck buddy".

And I think that logically, there IS less cheating in the poly community. To say there isn't is a pretty serious indictment of polyamory. I think it's the reverse: if you are a cheater, you are NOT really part of the poly community. You don't have the moral courage to be. I have met a handful of poly people in real life now, and the thing that impresses me about them is their ethics. they tell me things like "I used to be a cheater, but then I decided i couldn't do that to her anymore, because I love her. So I confessed, and we negotiated this new relationship, and it's harder than cheating, but it's better."

Men who have the balls and the empathy to do that are the pool of partners I intend to choose my beloved from. Even if this board labels me as "not really poly."
No one is trying to get rid of you..

There are many single men who fit your wants. My boyfriend was one of them. He likes his freedom and he has no urge to move anyone into his house full time. He had a bad experience in the past and at 39 is kind of set in his ways. He says I am the only woman he has dated he would think about changing that with BUT that is because I am like him I understand needing space. Even before I was poly I needed time away from my relationship. Many men like their freedom and do not need to be attached at the hip. My boyfriend's friends keep asking if I have friends like me. (They do not know that I have a husband at home.)

Do some reading here on the forums and around the internet on poly relationship issues. We have as many liars, fibbers, and cheats. Just like the mono world.

My advice is be open to who ever comes your way who fits your life. My concern is labeling yourself as secondary material only will attract those who will not treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

My boyfriend wasn't looking to be involved with married woman. We met he fell hard, and so did I. But this hasn't been easy. But we just click. He is actually more compatible with me than my husband. Yet I need both of them they both bring something different to the table.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #20  
Old 05-15-2013, 06:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post

Because I’m mostly straight, I’m not looking for a true triad. I am looking for a “v”. I would be very open to friendly communication with the woman at the other arm of the “v”, and to spending occasional social time with the couple. But I don’t want to be a couple’s tag-along sexual playmate!

What I WOULD like is to have a self-contained, emotionally UNRESTRICTED relationship with a male hinge (I don’t care if his paramour is a man or a woman). Fully disclosed to his other partner, conducted in good faith, with the goal of not detracting in any way from their relationship.

Is this something that doesn’t exist, or is not possible? This man (the woman’s partner who I talked to on the phone) seemed to think that it’s a totally unreasonable expectation. Is he right?
You want what you want. I don't think it's unreasonable. I don't think it's imaginary. I also believe it may be in the early stages of formation.

The logical deduction about filtering to any specific situation is, of course, that the time it takes to find this situation may be a little more, or some poly logarithm may prove this situation exists less, but i certainly don't think it's hopeless.

I don't see anything wrong with wanting what you want, unless it becomes an unhealthy obsession. Maybe your math tells you that {married poly guy=not going to tie you down} which could be a true statement, and therefore increases your chances of finding what or who you need. It could also though, be that {newly divorced single mono dad who promised his kids no housemates = not going to tie you down}

It's very very common for people taking baby steps to polyhood to have a narrow set of "allowable" love candidates. It's also very very common that those sets of "allowables" evolve over time.

There are days when I feel like I'd date a kangaroo with moles and a horn, so long as they were honest, reliable, loving, and had their shit together, lived close, and I didnt have to teach them the abc's of ethical nonmonogamy. It didn't start out that way though.
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