Don't want to play anymore...:((((
I have been in a V relationship for the last 3 years, having known the primary man a year before that online. I divorced my husband of 30 years who was an abusive asshole and had dreams of killing me, left my 4 grown children and moved across the world, from the States to Europe to be with this man....and his wife. I knew what I was getting into. I was raised as a preacher's daughter and spent my ENTIRE life involved in the evangelical Christian church...and although I was somewhat disillusioned by it all, still held the basic tenets. So i KNEW that according to the "Bible Belt " that I came from that what I was doing would be a "sin" and that I would basically be committing adultery...no better than a whore. But I loved him SO much and felt that we were truly meant to be together and he felt the same and the thoughts of living without him were more than I could bear, so I said yes, when he asked me to move in with him and his consenting wife.
He and his wife lead 2 separate lives, only meeting together at suppertime. He spends every moment with me. His wife agreed that she would not have sex with him, after it became a problem for me....and he agreed as well. She has never been sexual. It was almost something she dreaded and was glad to give away. She also agreed to let him sleep with me...all the time. So he is ALWAYS with me. As I said, they have always lead 2 separate lives.
They have a daughter and a set of twins that the husband seldom spends time with. He is not a "kid person" and so other than occasional kisses good night and helping pull out a chair at the table, he hardly ever has any interaction with them. That is the way it has always been. That has not been affected by my being here. Please don't get me wrong. He loves them dearly. He just does not spend much time with them.
The last 3 years have gone on FAIRLY well, with our fair share of working out details, but overall it has gone pretty good. It seems recently that it is not enough for me. I want it ALL. I SO BADLY want to be MRS XXX. I want to have that respect in the community. I have NO idea what to tell people when they ask WHO I am. I am not his wife....am I a girlfriend?...a mistress? I will have NO coverage should he die. SHE will be covered...his kids will be covered, but I have NO doubt that her parents will see to it that I get NOTHING. THEY hate me...his parents hate me. SHE is invited to all the family functions, but I am not. It was fine as long as they did not know WHO I was, but now that they know...I am the pariah. So out of respect for me, he will not go either.
I have no ring...NOTHING to indicate that I am "taken"...and we have agreed that I am. We have agreed that my heart belongs to him ALONE. That it will never belong to another. He says that he will get me a ring...when the time is right. And he is NOT one to lie. So I WANT to believe him, but he NEVER talks about it...we never look at rings. NOTHING.
I live here...in "our" house. But I have NOTHING in it that I can call mine, but our bedroom. There is NO privacy. I feel like I am always being watched or followed. There is CONSTANT noise from the kids and I am sick with a number of ailments and am 20 years older than he is...so it REALLY takes a toll on me.
With me being SO much older, I feel like my time is limited. I am 53...he is 33. He does not understand when I tell him that I feel like the clock is ticking and that if WE are to have ANY life ALONE together that NOW is the time, while I can still get out and do things and go places and clean.
They married for financial reasons, and because they felt like it was the thing to do...but NOT because they were madly in love and wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. SHE has told me as much..although I am SURE that they have love and concern for each other...much as I love my best friend.
Any time I talk to him about marrying me all I hear him say is "What about (insert HER name)? What about my kids?
I DO NOT understand how it can be THAT big of a deal to give up something that was NOTHING more that a good financial decision and that she so willingly gives away. He SELDOM even TALKS to his kids. At least this way WE...HE AND I could spend some REAL quality time with them and "raise them" together.
But when I press him on the subject all I hear him say is that things are pretty much as good as they are going to get, that MAYBE at some point in a MYSTICAL time and place that he and I could have a life and that I AGREED to this. I AGREED TO IT! I AGREED TO IT!
Sometimes I feel like he is just waiting for her to get SO tired of the situation that SHE will leave...and then he will not feel like he is to blame...SHE made the decision. But that is NEVER going to happen. She is JUST FINE. She has his name, has his kids, has his house and garden, has the respect of the community and she is as happy as a bug in a rug. She can still do whatever she wants. She has NO commitment to make him happy or take care of him...she takes care of the kids. So that is what I do. She does not have to worry about sex, because that is what I do. So....I take care of him....I have sex with him....I am the one that he communicates with and watches movies with and talks to and sleeps with and cannot stand to be without. What does that sound like to you? A FUCKING WIFE! That is what it sounds like to me. But I am not given that most BASIC of respect because it would be financially hard and "what about my kids?" I guess that my 4 (GROWN) kids...in which I was a VITAL part of their lives...were NO sacrifice at all?????
PLEASE...I am angry right now...and I am sure that you can read that. But I do TRULY like his wife. I DO. I LOVE his kids. I DO. I don't want to hurt ANY of them. But all I can figure out is that *I* can hurt everyday of the rest of my life....or they can hurt. And yes....I am selfish. He has made sure to tell me that.
PLEASE PLEASE....can anyone tell me if there is anyway to work this out? Has anyone ever gone through something similar and made it over to the other side...or hell....ever even HEARD of someone that KNEW someone that did it? I feel SO alone. I feel SO guilty. And I am honestly heartbroken. I feel like I NEED him...I WANT him....It DOES matter to me...and it does not matter that much to her...and she will still be the mother of his children and get child support AND alimony. She will have her family. I have NO ONE. I am ALONE with no one but HIM.
It recently became such an issue that I seriously contemplated leaving and going back to the states. I told him that I could go back, but come visit on occasion. That way, I could be with my kids and grandkids and be a part of their lives. That he and I could STILL talk daily online and keep in touch, see each other once or twice a year and that WHEN that magical, mystical time comes....if it ever does..and we could be together, that then we could try it again. And he said no. That if I left that he wanted NOTHING else to do with me. That it would be too painful and that the pain had to stop and that would be the best way to do it. Just cut off ALL communication with one another. I was devastated.
FINALLY....after LITERALLY hours of crying and screaming and talking...he came to me and told me that when we were married that I was NEVER to talk to him in that manner again (and I WAS truly a bitch) ....that I was WRONG for having pushed this at this time...but...(and then he gave me a plastic ring) and said "Will you marry me?" Of course, I said yes...and we held each other for a while and then went out for a walk and he began to mourn the loss of his current life. When I asked him what was wrong he told me he needed time to mourn...and of course...over the next couple of days it has gone right back to where we were. Who wants to get married under THOSE circumstances? He looked like he was going to a funeral. I could not even TELL anyone I knew that he had asked me to marry him because it was SO FUCKING SAD! There was NOTHING happy about the situation and he told me that if I wanted him to be happy about it then, I should have waited until it was "right"?????????
I came here looking for answers...and after reading for a while, I felt some better and told him that I had found the forum and that I felt some better and after having read through a LOT of info on several places that I felt like it MIGHT be better if we had separate places. That I could have one side of the house and she could have the other and that *I* could cook for him and we could ALL get together on occasions together and still be close enough to see each other daily (kid problem solved) and let each other know what was going on and he and I would have some privacy and I would not feel like someone was standing outside the door listening while we made love. And then he said that if we had separate houses that he would have to stay some here in her house with her...and had I thought about that? I thought that I was doing well by taking the "marriage card" off the table....but I guess not. It seems that if I have my own house, then I have to give up the current amount of time that we spend together. Because as long as I am a "guest" here in HER house, then he and I can be together 24/7 and it is ok. WTF? I am so tired of this. I am SO confused. It is getting to the point that I am asking God to just take my life, because I have fucked this one up royally and CANNOT NO MATTER WHAT I DO, fix it.......I am FUCKED anyway I look....
If anyone has bothered to read this to the end (1). God Bless You (2)....Help?