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  #1671  
Old 05-12-2013, 06:58 PM
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LOL! I think Mag, that may be because they were both here sharing about it, so it was a safe one to discuss.

I know I have talked more about my sex life with Maca than with GG, because Maca was on here and he discussed it-but GG is rarely here and I didn't want him to feel I was sharing our private life publicly, behind his back.

And I do recall Mono having QUITE a bit to say on that topic when he was posting.
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  #1672  
Old 05-12-2013, 07:58 PM
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LOL! I think Mag, that may be because they were both here sharing about it, so it was a safe one to discuss.

I know I have talked more about my sex life with Maca than with GG, because Maca was on here and he discussed it-but GG is rarely here and I didn't want him to feel I was sharing our private life publicly, behind his back.
This is one reason I stopped using my "real" fake name(s) on some publicly-visible forums. Even though it's not the name on my ID (or my super-ego), people we know would recognize it. They may not search for it because of "polyamory", but they might search for it about other things, some of which over-lap with my partners' and their partners' circles of associates and friends. That's also a reason why I talk about these individuals using gender-ambiguous nouns and pronouns.

(I know I told you (LR) this elsewhere, but I was just quoting it because it's sort of the same thing. It wasn't directed AT you, or any specific individual.)

Last edited by BoringGuy; 05-12-2013 at 08:01 PM.
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  #1673  
Old 05-12-2013, 08:14 PM
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Out of all of your relationships, I think the one with PN is most interesting to me. Not because he's your husband, but because of the apparent stable nature of that relationship which ultimately drifted into 'friends only', parenting only, etc. From your writings earlier in this blog, he struck me as a fairly buddhistic, calm oriented fellow who avoids demonstrating outward passion in general. Which says 'opposite' of you.

Was there ever any passion? Or was he simply there at a time when he fit your wants, and gradually those wants changed into what others had? I am truly curious, and trying to understand the dynamics a little better.
PN came into my life 15 years ago, after I had identified for years as a lesbian and having been married to a woman. He and my wife tried out a non-monogamous relationship but she was not into it and was very much and monogamous lesbian. When our marriage ended PN and I became closer and eventually married, had a child, bought a house etc. I knew he was the man to do this with somehow. He has always been a solid reliable man with very deep emotions and values. I admire him greatly. He is, by far, the man I admire most in my life besides my father.

We had passion at the beginning of our relationship and at various times during out relationship. It comes and goes. As is the case with most marriages I think. Who knows if it will come around again. It might or it might not. These things aren't usually helped by force and we both recognize that. Its better to go with the flow and see what happens.
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  #1674  
Old 05-12-2013, 08:25 PM
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I am CERTAIN that if he were to switch around and decide he wanted to be poly it would rock my world.... him suddenly finding a girlfriend would turn my "normal" upside down.

I love him. I would hold myself accountable to find my way to full acceptance and if our bond and connection wavered or was lost, I would fight to regain it-even against my own feelings of hopelessness or whatever.
But I don't think it would be easy.
This is how I feel about Mono. My world has been rocked over this year.

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I think you are grieving and probably in emotional shock too. I think you might find that if you read some on grief and the loss of a spouse-you may find some of it beneficial for dealing with your emotions right now.
EVERY TIME I read about this and what you are feeling, I think of "Marksbabygirl" (name on here) blog (not on here) about Marks death and how she is coming to terms. I think you have her on your fb. I know Derby does. Maybe go read some of that blog and consider similarities?
I think you might be right. I have been chatting a little with Marksbabygirl and her words have been helpful.

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FINALLY-
remind yourself that growth and learning, they take time. Never the short amount of time we wish! This is A LOT to take in. A lot of change in a variety of relationships! Be patient with yourself RP. Even good changes are stress! Our minds and bodies need pauses, rest times, when dealing with stress.
Thank you. I am being as patient as I can be while trying to keep up as well.

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I haven't seen you post anything about running or even walking in months. Just sleeping and video games and grief.
Go walk, run if you can. Let your tears flow-who cares, the wind will wash them to sea. But go get some exercise. Seriously-it helps your mind to find a new perspective.
Sleep is important-but so is exercise. Both give you different kinds of rest. Sleep gives rest to your body, exercise gives rest to your mind.

HUGS!
I haven't been walking to the regular place I walk because for years now there have been little notes left for me by Mono under a rock and I am afraid to look there as I don't know if he is leaving them any more. I have been walking on my lunch break to a nearby garden with tails in it. I have a beautiful view of the ocean and the mountains and it has helped me relax and get my feelings out. There is a bench there that has seen many tears these last two weeks.

Sleep has almost returned. Only up for a couple of hours a night now clinging to Mono while I lay there paralyzed by fear and anxiety. Thoughts run through my head over and over again and I allow myself to get through them and then self talk my way through them. It seems that the only time we fully bond is at night when we cling to each other. I suppose that is a hopeful sign. The eating isn't back yet.
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  #1675  
Old 05-12-2013, 08:30 PM
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I'm not worried about PN. I love him and want him to be happy. If monogamy creates more of that then I will be at peace. He is more of a comfort to me than intense relationship.
THIS makes sense to me. But-it's what you are faltering on with Mono.
Do you see that?

I don't know how or if it's even possible for you to find the path to this sense of confidence with Mono.
But-it caught my eye and I think it's the key to transitioning from what was, to what will be in that relationship.
Maybe
Mono is not just a comfort to me, he is a lot more on the intense side. I do see your point though and would agree. I do need to find that path that leads to a sense of confidence with Mono. Regardless of where our lives go.
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  #1676  
Old 05-12-2013, 08:38 PM
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Seriously-one of the best things we did when the anxiety about Maca's phone took hold of me,
was to agree to put them away. We scheduled "no phone" times for times we were together for sure. Also-we shut the phones off if it was other times and we were together.
Even a few weeks of that helped IMMENSELY.

Much like breaking a bone-you just have to stay off of it for 6 weeks, then you can slowly start using it again.

We made it so there was NO PHONE buzzing around me for a few weeks, then slowly integrated things back to where it's around most of the day-but not during our date, meals, sleep, shower, sexy times.
Its more like I struggle with what I perceive as secret rather than private. Its not rational for me to think that I have any right to what he talks about and to whom yet I don't trust him at the same time. If that makes sense.

I know he chatted with women on line before and I didn't struggle with it. It was when those chats became flirts and then sexting and then meet ups that I lost my sense of trust that he was going from private to secret.

He could stay off his phone around me all he wants. When he isn't around me I know he is on line and on his phone catching up with his new interest, T and who knows what else. Really, I would love to not care and have the attitude that it doesn't matter because we are okay, but as we aren't okay any contact with any other woman is a huge threat right now.

I hope to one day just say "fuck it" throw my hands in the air and get on with my own life for me. Leaving him to do whatever, knowing that at the end of the day, we're good.
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Last edited by redpepper; 05-12-2013 at 08:43 PM.
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  #1677  
Old 05-12-2013, 09:02 PM
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Mixed with my confusion is what Mono says about himself. He says that he never wants to settle with me and if we break up our household he is terrified that we will be forced to look at being primaries in a married/living together sense.
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He still wants me to be his primary relationship.
?

I would be confused too.

Wishing you the best, RP. It's been tough, lately, reading your story -- not sleeping, not eating, that stuff is serious, and will affect your ability to do anything safely, sanely, and healthily. I hope you get past it all soon. And, to be entirely frank, I hope you find your way back into a relationship with Derby... I know I'm projecting, but I've always thought of you and her as being at least a little analogous to me and Gia, so to see you break up with her because of trouble with another partner was really saddening. I know there was more going on, and that you were feeling overwhelmed in general, but, yeah, rough stuff.
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  #1678  
Old 05-12-2013, 11:50 PM
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?

I hope you find your way back into a relationship with Derby... I know I'm projecting, but I've always thought of you and her as being at least a little analogous to me and Gia, so to see you break up with her because of trouble with another partner was really saddening. I know there was more going on, and that you were feeling overwhelmed in general, but, yeah, rough stuff.
Yeah, I was one of the one exclaiming how 4 relationships, plus a kid, plus a FT job and a house, plus her hobbies, was too much! Esp with this intense soul searching and fear with Mono. Maybe just a break from the relationship with Derby (Brad)...

I mean, I just moved, and it was a ton of work house hunting (nerve wracking!) and packing, and it's a ton of working unpacking and organizing--it's a big stress in other words, and Ginger has been getting the short end of the stick lately. I knew I'd have less energy for him for a while (even tho we are now living closer, as planned), and told him, and he was just chill, he said no worries. Didn't take it personally. I hope D and G would be as understanding.

I have no advice, this does just seem a voyage of self discovery... but I do care and I want you to love yourself.

Cuz if you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love anyone else?--(Rupaul tm)
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  #1679  
Old 05-13-2013, 02:57 AM
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All of that makes sense RP.
It is a struggle. So much change and all so fast.


Just keep reminding yourself to focus a minute at a time if you need to and don't give up on you. There's a solution out there.

PN actually suggested the book I quote most often regarding finding the solution to a given problem.
You need a "creative adaptive" solution.

XOXOXOXOXO
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  #1680  
Old 05-13-2013, 03:46 AM
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Mags- all my partners were and are understanding but I can only ask for so much time and patience. I was finding that I was not giving them the standard of attention I feel is enough for them. I like to give my all and in doing that I lost memory, was stressed out, not doing well at work, lost track of myself and those around me. Everything was an effort and done half ass. It wore on me and I became someone I don't like. Its been slowly getting worse over a year now. Something had to give.

Yesterday I delivered a hanging basket to my my ex wife's mum for mothers day. She had me buy one and deliver it. I can't remember a time I did an errand like that in full consciousness and in full attention. Every moment of it I was aware of what I was doing. It been too long that I have had enough focus to do such an errand. I haven't had time or energy to give in that way for way to long.
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