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  #591  
Old 04-27-2013, 07:29 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Hmm.. But could it not be said that someone who feigns submissiveness and enjoys it only because it pleases their partner is still being genuinely submissive on some level, simply by receiving their satisfaction from their partner's pleasure?
Hmm, not only could it be said, but you just said it.

However, it is not part of the model I referenced.
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  #592  
Old 04-29-2013, 02:24 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, what stands out about what I wrote that makes you say it is dissimilar to how most kinksters do online D/s?
"In this one blog several Dommes said they would never send nude pictures or explicit videos of themselves to a sub, because that would lower their position (and a sub wouldn't "deserve" it)."

In the kink circles I run in, it's not really a common thing to feign like subs are lowly creatures who don't "deserve" awesome, sexy things that would make them happy, or that being sexy or naked or vulnerable somehow "lowers" the position of a dominant person (to put this in context, Clay, who is very much the dominant partner in our relationship, has pole danced for me twice now). As such, I just don't imagine that that would be part of how those same people would do online D/s.

There are always different flavors to different subsets of subcultures, and there's nothing "wrong" with how the dommes you're talking about describe their version of play -- if it works for them and their partners then it is exactly the right thing for them -- I just don't necessarily think that it's warranted to assume that that's standard across the wider BDSM community, y'know?

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It is a very specific type of domination and submission, yes. But I am hesitant to reveal what it is and where the blogs are, basically because I realized that I have participated in something like it in my past (non-kinky) relationships, quite by accident. The ways in which the dommes describe why they are into it and how some of the elements of that power exchange appeal to them surprisingly resonated with me, in some way. So, I want to investigate it right now, without blabbering on about all of it just yet.

This is really unexpected - I am not saying I want to embark on it, but I find it intriguing. I have been told several times in my life that I would make a "good dominatrix" and would immediately say, "No way!" and then I read about this (which I'd never heard of before) and see a faint shade of it in my past, so... just exploration and trying to understand it and myself a little better right now.
That is totally valid, and I wish you the best!
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by nycindie; 06-16-2013 at 01:58 PM.
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  #593  
Old 04-29-2013, 03:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
"In this one blog several Dommes said they would never send nude pictures or explicit videos of themselves to a sub, because that would lower their position (and a sub wouldn't "deserve" it)."

In the kink circles I run in, it's not really a common thing to feign like subs are lowly creatures who don't "deserve" awesome, sexy things that would make them happy, or that being sexy or naked or vulnerable somehow "lowers" the position of a dominant person (to put this in context, Clay, who is very much the dominant partner in our relationship, has pole danced for me twice now). As such, I just don't imagine that that would be part of how those same people would do online D/s.

There are always different flavors to different subsets of subcultures, and there's nothing "wrong" with how the dommes you're talking about describe their version of play -- if it works for them and their partners then it is exactly the right thing for them -- I just don't necessarily think that it's warranted to assume that that's standard across the wider BDSM community, y'know?
I may have left out an important element. Here's the gist of what I've read, or how I basically understand what I read: The dommes on a particular message board/blog were discussing various ways to reward a sub for their service/submission in an online relationship. Some dommes reward their subs for "good behavior" by sending noodz or video clips, camming for them, things like that. Others say that if a domme does that, then who is really in charge? The sub is really only doing what they're asked in order to get porn, and not really to serve, if that is what they expect out of it.

The dommes who are against it say it makes them basically a prostitute. Not that they look down on prostitutes, but they feel that the elements of dominance and submission should be the primary motivating factor in these relationships, not getting porn, and that there are other ways to praise or reward their subs. They feel that the ones who give porn in exchange for the tasks that the subs do muddies the authority of a domme, and that the focus should be on giving the subs a reason to serve and that knowing how they've pleased their domme and the sense of being of service should be reward enough (or the reward of highest priority). They also think that the relationships with subs who expect to receive sexy pics/videos, etc., will be short-lived because there is a tendency to get a little addicted to receiving porn for doing what one is asked and so the subs will just seek out other dommes and flit around looking for their porn fix, while a longer-lasting D/s relationship will come out of the domme giving the subs more meaningful rewards or reasons to serve, becoming more a part of their lives, etc. Some said that sexy pics and stuff can be sent after the relationship has become established; basically that the sub has to earn that (and other things, like meeting in person) over time.

It does seem that many subs in this area want humiliation. Hence the "they don't deserve it." Some dommes say that they ignore their subs or call them names, etc., (I know I couldn't get into humiliating someone). Others see their subs as pets and do praise/reward them, just not with porn. The porn as a reward seems to be a sticking point with many of the dommes who are into this.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-29-2013 at 03:23 AM.
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  #594  
Old 04-29-2013, 03:36 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Interesting! Yeah, "tit for tat" doesn't make sense to me in the context of service, whether it's noodz or another form of reward. I think that ample give-and-take in a D/s dynamic can be enriching for both sides, but it's hard to think of something as "service" if you can expect something back every time you give, specifically to reward you for giving -- that sounds more like a sexual barter system. For someone who's really into service, the opportunity for service is in itself a reward. So, yeah, everything you've described makes sense to me, especially the bit about them being willing to share pix later on but wanting to make sure that the dynamic is real before going there.
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  #595  
Old 04-29-2013, 03:48 AM
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As a counterpoint to my last post, I really enjoyed this essay that addresses how things can be taken too far, sometimes by submissive people themselves, towards not taking their needs into consideration: http://www.notjustbitchy.com/submissive-robot/
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  #596  
Old 05-12-2013, 05:22 PM
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pollyanna pollyanna is offline
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just want to say hello. I am new here.

I have a submissive hubby and a slave that belongs to me. We are on the verge of becoming a 24/7 family with my men being 'brother husbands' rather than lovers.

I will be submitting a contract for my slave to sign this week. It's all very exciting. After he signs it, I will placing him in chastity and beginning his training. Wish us luck!

I am excited to find this forum for advice and info and support.
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  #597  
Old 05-12-2013, 05:32 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pollyanna View Post
just want to say hello. I am new here.

I have a submissive hubby and a slave that belongs to me. We are on the verge of becoming a 24/7 family with my men being 'brother husbands' rather than lovers.

I will be submitting a contract for my slave to sign this week. It's all very exciting. After he signs it, I will placing him in chastity and beginning his training. Wish us luck!

I am excited to find this forum for advice and info and support.


Sounds like you have a thing going on over there. I look forward to reading more about it.
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  #598  
Old 05-13-2013, 09:34 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by pollyanna View Post
I will be submitting a contract for my slave to sign this week. It's all very exciting.
I have always been curious about the contracts for D/s and Master/slave relationships. Are there good sources online where people get templates or sample contracts to customize and use? Is there a particular format or outline that is generally accepted? I also wonder if there are certain items that are always a part of BDsm contracts, and things that are usually cautioned against including in one. I've taken some classes in the basics of contracts and contract law, so this part of BDsm always intrigued me -- can they generally be recognized beyond the relationship, as in the possibility that there was some problem, could a BDsm contract be upheld in a court of law? I would love to see some real contracts that people have used for their kinks.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-13-2013 at 09:40 AM.
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  #599  
Old 05-13-2013, 11:10 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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They are not legal just personal agreements between individuals.
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  #600  
Old 05-13-2013, 12:07 PM
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pollyanna pollyanna is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
They are not legal just personal agreements between individuals.
right. Since slavery is illegal, they really are just sort of 'gentleman's agreements'. But they do help in that each party is able to define needs and limits and repercussions for the edification of the other.

there are several online references and samples of contracts.
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