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Old 05-12-2013, 02:12 PM
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leelee22 leelee22 is offline
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Default Am I being unreasonable?

So, a few days ago I posted a self-pitying little rant about how I'm on the verge of dying of involuntary celibacy... and Magdlyn [sp?] told me to smarten up/chin up (thanks... I needed that!). Less than a day later, I was being aggressively pursued via email by a woman in an open marriage as a potential secondary partner for her partner. (lesson: be careful what you wish for). This couple are complete strangers to me. She found me through another polyamory site/group (not a dating site). Her second email to me closed with "I'm going to be out TONIGHT, why don't you and my boyfriend meet up?"

A bit precipitous for me! I didn't go meet the boyfriend, but I did phone him, as she had suggested. They both seem perfectly nice, he is attractive, etc. But when discussing how they “do this” i.e. the open relationship, it was the same old story as with my former lover: secondary partners are really just sex partners, and anything “romantic” (which would include the man and the secondary going out for drinks or dinner and not having sex) is not allowed. There is a new twist with this couple: while the woman is “not really bisexual” (same as me, I’d describe myself as not REALLY bisexual), the couple try to mostly “hang out all together” with secondary partners, and limit the time either one of them spends alone with any secondary partner. The purpose of this seems to be to preclude a “romance” between them and their secondaries, rather than to create an actual triad with a relationship between the two (straight) women.

Well. Sigh.

Is this the way all this usually works??? Or is it just my luck? Because it’s not what I want.

Because I’m mostly straight, I’m not looking for a true triad. I am looking for a “v”. I would be very open to friendly communication with the woman at the other arm of the “v”, and to spending occasional social time with the couple. But I don’t want to be a couple’s tag-along sexual playmate!

What I WOULD like is to have a self-contained, emotionally UNRESTRICTED relationship with a male hinge (I don’t care if his paramour is a man or a woman). Fully disclosed to his other partner, conducted in good faith, with the goal of not detracting in any way from their relationship.

Is this something that doesn’t exist, or is not possible? This man (the woman’s partner who I talked to on the phone) seemed to think that it’s a totally unreasonable expectation. Is he right?
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Old 05-12-2013, 02:22 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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No, it isn't supposed to or usually meant to work that way! There are all kinds of predators and selfish people out there, and especially sex-focused people who claim they are poly when they really only want to get their rocks off. That's why it's so important to establish your boundaries and know what you will and will not accept. Then next time someone like that approaches you, you will confidently tell them to fuck off (or, if you say things more nicely than I do, "please look elsewhere") because you are secure in knowing that they don't or won't meet your standards.

What they proposed to you just isn't polyamory. When all a couple wants is a living breathing sex toy, it's an open relationship or swinging - NOT poly, which is about developing multiple meaningful and loving relationships. Friends with benefits is okay, too, considering that friendship is a loving relationship, IF the people do cultivate that side and not say FWB when they really mean fuck buddies.

What you want is what most solo poly people want, and it is definitely NOT unreasonable nor impossible. There are plenty of truly poly people out there who can meet that for you - it just takes sifting out the idiots who only want sex and hear about poly in the media, see how much attention is given to the sexual aspect of poly relationships, and so they incorrectly think that no-strings fucking around is what it's all about. May take a while to find the right partner(s) but you stick to it and you will get there! Never compromise your integrity. You don't want to find yourself used as a toy!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-12-2013 at 02:27 PM.
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Old 05-12-2013, 02:43 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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I can let you know that it does exist. Primal is a hinge between myself and Lamian. He and I get time only for sexual intimacy, we go on dates, we get to have the romantic stuff as well as the sexual stuff. People in our personal (and his and Lamian's family) life know that I am his girlfriend. It can happen, not every female wants their boyfriend/husband to only have a sex toy.

ETA: Also have a little confusion. You mentioned that she was in an open marriage and wanted you to meet her boyfriend. So does that mean that she has a husband and a boyfriend (therefore allows herself to be poly) but only wants her boyfriend to have women he can fuck and not develop a relationship with?
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Last edited by CattivaGattina; 05-12-2013 at 02:45 PM. Reason: Added Question
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Old 05-12-2013, 02:55 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post

Because I’m mostly straight, I’m not looking for a true triad. I am looking for a “v”. I would be very open to friendly communication with the woman at the other arm of the “v”, and to spending occasional social time with the couple. But I don’t want to be a couple’s tag-along sexual playmate!

What I WOULD like is to have a self-contained, emotionally UNRESTRICTED relationship with a male hinge (I don’t care if his paramour is a man or a woman). Fully disclosed to his other partner, conducted in good faith, with the goal of not detracting in any way from their relationship.

Is this something that doesn’t exist, or is not possible? This man (the woman’s partner who I talked to on the phone) seemed to think that it’s a totally unreasonable expectation. Is he right?
Not unreasonable. It is the situation I'm in now, and the only logical thing to do, for me. I'm the wife, my husband has a girlfriend who he is head over heals in love with (so cute!), and her and I get along great as just friends.

I do think it is important that me and anyone else get along, because I cannot imagine not knowing or being able to hang out with someone who is that important to my husband. But it has nothing to do with controlling or limiting feelings!
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:03 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Leelee, i don't understand. If you're sooooo hoooorny, then MASTURBATE for crying out loud! Buy yourself some nice dildos or butt plugs that don't already have an owner like these men whose female partners pimp them out and allow you to borrow their dicks sometimes. Truth is, it sounds like YOU are the one who wants a "living breating sex toy". Otherwise, you wouldn't be thinking with your pussy or clitoris or G-spot or whatever body part women think with when they are too obsessed with getting laid to use their brain for its intended purpose.

tl;dr Yes, you are being unreasonable, but not in the way you think you are.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 05-12-2013 at 05:35 PM. Reason: Stupid grammar
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:03 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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No leelee it is not normal.

I am the hinge between my husband Butch and my boyfriend Murf.

Murf is not a human dildo for me only brought out for my sexual gratification. I love that man as much as Butch. We go do things together like a normal couple.

Murf and Butch have really no contact unless Murf is spending the night here. They make small talk and that is about it.

Neither comes second to the other.
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Old 05-12-2013, 04:05 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ssandra View Post
Not unreasonable. It is the situation I'm in now, and the only logical thing to do, for me. I'm the wife, my husband has a girlfriend who he is head over heals in love with (so cute!), and her and I get along great as just friends.

I do think it is important that me and anyone else get along, because I cannot imagine not knowing or being able to hang out with someone who is that important to my husband. But it has nothing to do with controlling or limiting feelings!
Yeah n's lady and I are really close and sometimes we hang out more than they do lol
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Old 05-12-2013, 05:51 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I'm sorry leelee, i re read my last post when i went to correct something in it, and what i should have explained (which i am doing now instead of editing the other post) is that it doesn't make sense for you to be engaging these people who are straightforward about wanting "just sex, no emotional involvement" and then wondering why you can't "spend time with" the guy. It's like you're going shopping for an electric weed-whacker, but the salesperson only shows you gas-powered lawnmowers, you say "o-ok... I'll give it a try", and you get it home, can't use it, and go on the manufacturer's website to complain about how their gas-powered lawnmowers don't have a cord to plug into an electrical outlet!

A gas-powered lawnmower is a gas-powered lawnmower, no matter how much you want it to be an electrically-powered weed-whacker! If you want an electrically-powered weed-whacker, go buy an electrically-powered weed-whacker! The salesperson doesn't care what you WANT, they are just there to sell you their product and make a commission!

tl;dr. Just because a stranger on the internet emails you out of nowhere bugging you to fuck her husband or boyfriend OMG RIGHT NAO TONITE!!!!!!!!11!!~ doesn't mean you HAVE to answer, let alone complain about why they don't want a "self-contained, emotionally UNRESTRICTED relationship with a male hinge".

Last edited by BoringGuy; 05-12-2013 at 05:53 PM.
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Old 05-12-2013, 06:02 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Leelee.. Since you are straight with heteroflexible leanings are you really looking for a poly relationship? Meaning are you looking for more than one partner (ie being the hinge) or are you just looking to be an arm of a vee.The reason I ask is if you are looking at just being and arm why?

My bf was not looking to get involved in a vee. We met and he fell for me and I for him. The only reason he is here is because he loves me. If he had his way he would prefer if I wasn't married. He doesn't hate my husband or etc. My husband is wired weird so he is ok if his life is a bit cuckoldish he actually enjoys it.

This is just a hard road to travel and we actually have it easier than some vees. For example the busy body neighbor who went out of her way to tell my husband that I was "cheating" on him since she saw my boyfriend leaving the house and me hug and kiss him good bye. I wish I was there to see the look on her face when my husband replied with "That is my wife's boyfriend."
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.

Last edited by Dagferi; 05-12-2013 at 06:07 PM.
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Old 05-12-2013, 06:13 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post

Is this something that doesn’t exist, or is not possible? This man (the woman’s partner who I talked to on the phone) seemed to think that it’s a totally unreasonable expectation.
Grrrr, someone needs a good cyber slappin! Just point their ignorant arses in our direction ok?

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