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Old 05-12-2013, 02:12 PM
leelee22's Avatar
leelee22 leelee22 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Great white north
Posts: 43
Default Am I being unreasonable?

So, a few days ago I posted a self-pitying little rant about how I'm on the verge of dying of involuntary celibacy... and Magdlyn [sp?] told me to smarten up/chin up (thanks... I needed that!). Less than a day later, I was being aggressively pursued via email by a woman in an open marriage as a potential secondary partner for her partner. (lesson: be careful what you wish for). This couple are complete strangers to me. She found me through another polyamory site/group (not a dating site). Her second email to me closed with "I'm going to be out TONIGHT, why don't you and my boyfriend meet up?"

A bit precipitous for me! I didn't go meet the boyfriend, but I did phone him, as she had suggested. They both seem perfectly nice, he is attractive, etc. But when discussing how they “do this” i.e. the open relationship, it was the same old story as with my former lover: secondary partners are really just sex partners, and anything “romantic” (which would include the man and the secondary going out for drinks or dinner and not having sex) is not allowed. There is a new twist with this couple: while the woman is “not really bisexual” (same as me, I’d describe myself as not REALLY bisexual), the couple try to mostly “hang out all together” with secondary partners, and limit the time either one of them spends alone with any secondary partner. The purpose of this seems to be to preclude a “romance” between them and their secondaries, rather than to create an actual triad with a relationship between the two (straight) women.

Well. Sigh.

Is this the way all this usually works??? Or is it just my luck? Because it’s not what I want.

Because I’m mostly straight, I’m not looking for a true triad. I am looking for a “v”. I would be very open to friendly communication with the woman at the other arm of the “v”, and to spending occasional social time with the couple. But I don’t want to be a couple’s tag-along sexual playmate!

What I WOULD like is to have a self-contained, emotionally UNRESTRICTED relationship with a male hinge (I don’t care if his paramour is a man or a woman). Fully disclosed to his other partner, conducted in good faith, with the goal of not detracting in any way from their relationship.

Is this something that doesn’t exist, or is not possible? This man (the woman’s partner who I talked to on the phone) seemed to think that it’s a totally unreasonable expectation. Is he right?
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