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  #1661  
Old 05-11-2013, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I say this non-judgmentally and simply as an observation:

Yes, I think you always dreamed of that. However, it seems as if you saw your "poly family" like a solar system, with yourself as the sun around which the planets (your partners) and their moons (your metamours) revolve. Now it seems as if you're just noticing that everyone has their own little solar system.


I'm not trying to start a debate; this is just the way it looks from what i've read, and what i recall.
No judgement taken.

I was the centre of the solar system. I have been for years. At least my own anyway. I didn't fully realize it was my own and not others as well. The over laps were not as evident.

I always described it as each person having a heart home. The shift in everyone concentrating their love elsewhere right now has rocked my sense of wellbeing within my heart home. Perhaps if it was just one then I would be able to manage, but all of them has been too much. Specifically Mono whom I am the most connected with (well, was). I built myself a soild foundation of ones who love me around me and I have lost faith that they do at the moment.

Last night I was able to glimpse that everything will be okay within my heart home. Concentrating on my own sense of heart home I think will be a big part of healing and grounding again. All while finding compersion for those who are building their own.
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  #1662  
Old 05-11-2013, 12:12 PM
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Mixed with my confusion is what Mono says about himself. He says that he never wants to settle with me and if we break up our household he is terrified that we will be forced to look at being primaries in a married/living together sense. He is struggling to catch up with the fact that my relationship with PN has changed and grown to a place where we parent our child and love each other in a different way than he thought.

In the midst of discovering a new way of doing relationships where he is honest and communicating he is struggling with my not having others to fall back on and that he is essentially my only partner. His sense of responsibility in that is overwhelming him and causing him his own anxiety. While he is becoming free he feels he is also becoming tied down. I told him that in my experience that feeling doesn't go away if you add partners to your life. One is not free with more partners. He needs to discover that himself though.
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  #1663  
Old 05-11-2013, 02:31 PM
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OK, let's recap. You're really floundering, RP. You've been used to being something of a poly expert, live-in V, active on here, in the RL local poly community, setting up events, having 2 lovers besides your live-ins. Now your whole poly world has fallen apart.

Mono: you loved that you were his "one and only." But you eventually rebelled against his boundary of you only being in an intimate relationship with him, your husband PN, and Derby. Despite his warnings you'd become less important to him if you got more lovers, you ignored that warning and went ahead with Ken and Brad. Then he did become distant, and got a gf and pulled away from you, just as he'd guaranteed he would. You could have trusted his initial words. He told you what would happen and you seemingly ignored it. "Mono draw away from me? That could never happen!" But it has. Maybe you'll trust him more if you remember his clear warning. He was being honest back then, and now his actions match his words.

PN: Your husband, with whom the sex had become lukewarm at best-- "married sex," you called it, as if married sex is never hot and overwhelming. Now he seems to be hot for someone else. Wants to "go mono" with her? Does that mean move out? Will there be some sort of alteration in your already basically sexless marriage?

Derby: your gf.... You never say much about her other than doing cultural things together, I don't even know if you two have sex. I've read you to say there is some kissing. Will you continue as is, without the kissing, now that you've broken up?

Brad: I never understood this relationship. It seems OK, but must not mean much to you. I mean, all your real pain seems centered around Mono getting a gf. You just dumped Brad as a bf quite suddenly with not much angst, it seems. You didn't report on his feelings of distress at being dumped.

Will PN and Mono both move out? Does Mono still want to be your bf in any way, shape or form? Do you want him at all now that he has a gf? Do you regret taking up with Ken and Brad in the first place, which set this chain of events in action?

And don't answer if you don't want to, but, do you and Mono have sex anymore? You say your connection is lost. Sometimes couples that are fighting still have hot sex (my ex h and I did), but sometimes it's the last thing one wants. So, are you horny, my dear? Would sex relieve stress or is it something you can't even contemplate?


Mono's nervous now being your only lover? Is he still your lover? Does he feel badly you don't trust him or seem to want him much now that you're not the center of his universe?
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  #1664  
Old 05-11-2013, 06:02 PM
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Oh man that's a lot of questions. Some valid and some confusing as the story you read here is not entirely what is reality. There is always so many levels and stories behind stories. I can't put across every aspect of what happens.

More later.
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  #1665  
Old 05-11-2013, 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Oh man that's a lot of questions. Some valid and some confusing as the story you read here is not entirely what is reality. There is always so many levels and stories behind stories. I can't put across every aspect of what happens.

More later.
Out of all of your relationships, I think the one with PN is most interesting to me. Not because he's your husband, but because of the apparent stable nature of that relationship which ultimately drifted into 'friends only', parenting only, etc. From your writings earlier in this blog, he struck me as a fairly buddhistic, calm oriented fellow who avoids demonstrating outward passion in general. Which says 'opposite' of you.

Was there ever any passion? Or was he simply there at a time when he fit your wants, and gradually those wants changed into what others had? I am truly curious, and trying to understand the dynamics a little better.
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  #1666  
Old 05-12-2013, 03:23 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Thanks LR.

I am taking note that you too got through this also. Did you feel your love shift away from what you knew it to be when Maca decided to try poly? I am finding I don't even recognize Mono yet he says the change occurred over a year ago and he just let me in ane admitted it entirely these past two weeks. I've always seen him as all eyes on me and now the shift to all*eyes*on whomever and specifically T is frightening and foreign. I can't believe that he still loves me in that yet I know it isn't rational. Of course he does. I am just so used to hearing him say I am his one and only.... time I guess. Time and experience.
Oh yes absolutely-and I fear it will happen again.
When he first decided to "try poly" it was VERY rough. But, when he settled into dating E things ended up stabilizing very well. I believe because she was just an amazingly graceful and caring person. She took it upon herself to really pointedly ensure that I knew she appreciated my sharing him. She would ask me if specific special dates would work in our calendar, she planned a birthday party for me in her home, she included our children and GG in her attention in a very "sisterly" manner. THAT took all of the angst out of it for me.
I did the same, from the beginning, but she has been the only one to reciprocate. It meant A LOT. I made a point of noting her birthday so I could be sure not to make plans that day, made sure to break out time for Maca and I for Mothers Day, instead of scheduling the whole day for me, so Maca could spend part of it with her (she was a single mom) etc.

However-when the next young lady came into the picture (E moved away); she was very self-centered. Maca was so caught up in her that all of the same reservations and concerns that he wasn't REALLY poly came back to a head.
That situation blew up in everyone's face and his final response was to decide not to date for now because he doesn't believe he is good at relationships.
So-I imagine it will come again and I fully expect that the nerves will re-ignite for me.


THAT SAID-I think it would probably be more similar for me to compare Mono with GG. GG has always insisted that he's mono and that he wants no one but me.
He hasn't considered dating, he doesn't even socialize without me except with his best friend (and Getsui's family). He says he's too busy, which is true, but being busy is a choice he makes and it's my impression that part of why he makes that choice is so that he CAN'T meet someone else.

I am CERTAIN that if he were to switch around and decide he wanted to be poly it would rock my world.
I have often suggested it, I have often even tried to promote it.
But, regardless of those efforts, 20 years of him being mono to me EVEN WHEN I WASN'T DATING HIM AT ALL, him suddenly finding a girlfriend would turn my "normal" upside down.

I love him. I would hold myself accountable to find my way to full acceptance and if our bond and connection wavered or was lost, I would fight to regain it-even against my own feelings of hopelessness or whatever.
But I don't think it would be easy.

I think you are grieving and probably in emotional shock too. I think you might find that if you read some on grief and the loss of a spouse-you may find some of it beneficial for dealing with your emotions right now.
EVERY TIME I read about this and what you are feeling, I think of "Marksbabygirl" (name on here) blog (not on here) about Marks death and how she is coming to terms. I think you have her on your fb. I know Derby does. Maybe go read some of that blog and consider similarities?

FINALLY-
remind yourself that growth and learning, they take time. Never the short amount of time we wish! This is A LOT to take in. A lot of change in a variety of relationships! Be patient with yourself RP. Even good changes are stress! Our minds and bodies need pauses, rest times, when dealing with stress.

I haven't seen you post anything about running or even walking in months. Just sleeping and video games and grief.
Go walk, run if you can. Let your tears flow-who cares, the wind will wash them to sea. But go get some exercise. Seriously-it helps your mind to find a new perspective.
Sleep is important-but so is exercise. Both give you different kinds of rest. Sleep gives rest to your body, exercise gives rest to your mind.

HUGS!
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  #1667  
Old 05-12-2013, 03:27 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I'm not worried about PN. I love him and want him to be happy. If monogamy creates more of that then I will be at peace. He is more of a comfort to me than intense relationship.
THIS makes sense to me. But-it's what you are faltering on with Mono.
Do you see that?

I don't know how or if it's even possible for you to find the path to this sense of confidence with Mono.
But-it caught my eye and I think it's the key to transitioning from what was, to what will be in that relationship.
Maybe
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  #1668  
Old 05-12-2013, 06:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Mono: you loved that you were his "one and only." But you eventually rebelled against his boundary of you only being in an intimate relationship with him, your husband PN, and Derby. Despite his warnings you'd become less important to him if you got more lovers, you ignored that warning and went ahead with Ken and Brad. Then he did become distant, and got a gf and pulled away from you, just as he'd guaranteed he would. You could have trusted his initial words. He told you what would happen and you seemingly ignored it. "Mono draw away from me? That could never happen!" But it has. Maybe you'll trust him more if you remember his clear warning. He was being honest back then, and now his actions match his words.
At the point I met Ken and Brad I wasn't rebelling against his boundary. He had already fallen for his friend and had not told me. He encouraged me to go out and find someone to take my mind off of the hurt and pain I felt over my break up with Leo. I took him at his word at that point and felt he was understanding, caring and accepting. It turns out he was going through a huge movement of change and wasn't telling me until months later.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
PN: Your husband, with whom the sex had become lukewarm at best-- "married sex," you called it, as if married sex is never hot and overwhelming. Now he seems to be hot for someone else. Wants to "go mono" with her? Does that mean move out? Will there be some sort of alteration in your already basically sexless marriage?
I have no idea at this point. We all want to stay in the house. Raise LB and carry on. We all work really well together. The two men fill very different roles for me and it works. So far. There is no need to make huge changes to something that is working at this point.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Derby: your gf.... You never say much about her other than doing cultural things together, I don't even know if you two have sex. I've read you to say there is some kissing. Will you continue as is, without the kissing, now that you've broken up?
I don't know what will happen. I don't generally talk about my sex life on line. A lot of people I know read here and I generally don't advertise what it is I do behind closed doors. I will say that I love Derby and the times we have spent together have been loving, fun and bonding.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Brad: I never understood this relationship. It seems OK, but must not mean much to you. I mean, all your real pain seems centered around Mono getting a gf. You just dumped Brad as a bf quite suddenly with not much angst, it seems. You didn't report on his feelings of distress at being dumped.
I don't know much about how he feels. Both him and Derby have expressed that they are sad, didn't sleep much, had a hard time eating, were confused and I'm sure a whole lot more. I ask them how they are doing from time to time, but its possible they don't want to share that with me. My lack of talking about how I feel about it is not due to my lack of caring or concern or feelings of sadness and grief.

I have talked here about my biggest concerns and have compartmentalized everything in order to look at one thing at a time. Its only been a week. There is still a lot of overwhelming feelings and distress for me. I can't look at it all at once and it will take some time for me to express how I feel about every aspect of my life.

All my relationships mean a lot to me. Just because I don't talk about one specific one often doesn't mean I am not loving them or connected to them. Actually its more the opposite, I am likely humming along quite nicely and have nothing to say as a result. This upheaval and inability to handle everything in my life does not mean I am not still loving those in my life. It's more about me and not loving and taking and caring of me that is the issue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Does Mono still want to be your bf in any way, shape or form? Do you want him at all now that he has a gf? Do you regret taking up with Ken and Brad in the first place, which set this chain of events in action?
He still wants me to be his primary relationship. I don't know if I want him as a boyfriend, but I am willing to see how things work out with him having another woman in his life before deciding. I don't regret anything and I don't think I set a chain of actions. I think the moment I met Mono change occurred for him. I was something completely different than he had ever known and it changed him over time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
And don't answer if you don't want to, but, do you and Mono have sex anymore? You say your connection is lost. Sometimes couples that are fighting still have hot sex (my ex h and I did), but sometimes it's the last thing one wants. So, are you horny, my dear? Would sex relieve stress or is it something you can't even contemplate?

Mono's nervous now being your only lover? Is he still your lover? Does he feel badly you don't trust him or seem to want him much now that you're not the center of his universe?
Mono and I haven't changed much over the years as far as sex is concerned. ha!

He feels badly I don't trust that he is doing what he says he is doing and that I am paranoid about every message he gets on his phone. Its completely consumed me these days and I am working on ways to walk through that and find some peace with it. I even get paranoid and anxious when other people are on their phone now. Its been six months of that and I would like to get past that now.
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  #1669  
Old 05-12-2013, 06:49 PM
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Default Phone Anxiety

Seriously-one of the best things we did when the anxiety about Maca's phone took hold of me,
was to agree to put them away. We scheduled "no phone" times for times we were together for sure. Also-we shut the phones off if it was other times and we were together.
Even a few weeks of that helped IMMENSELY.

Much like breaking a bone-you just have to stay off of it for 6 weeks, then you can slowly start using it again.

We made it so there was NO PHONE buzzing around me for a few weeks, then slowly integrated things back to where it's around most of the day-but not during our date, meals, sleep, shower, sexy times.
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  #1670  
Old 05-12-2013, 06:52 PM
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Thanks for clarifying a bit. It was getting hard for me to feel sympathy correctly, since I didn't really understand the dynamics of the journey too well.

As far as sex, hmmm... seems to me we got a lot more reports of RP/Mono hanky panky back in your first couple years than you may remember. I am glad you're still connecting in that way, at least.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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