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  #1  
Old 05-11-2013, 03:27 AM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
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Default He's not poly??? A year into the relationship?

After being with Darling for awhile. Dealing with his breakup with his other GF Chatty. His wife. Moving in with him. He tells me he doesn't think he is poly. That he "fell into" it. That is was easier than being mono at the time.

Effectively we have been mono since he broke up with Chatty three months ago. His wife has chilled out and they hardly have contact anymore. Now I am starting to talk to others and he has told me that he doesn't think he is poly. He is okay with me having sex with others but the thought of me having an "intimate" relationship bothers him.

I just don't know what to do.
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  #2  
Old 05-11-2013, 03:42 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Basically, your options are
  • break up,
  • stay together and stand by his monogamous requirements.
While mulling over those options, I suppose there's no reason you can't attempt some heavy-duty communication with him, and attempt to get to the root to this seemingly sudden change of heart he has had.

Sorry there's not a lot of good options here. I imagine you are reeling and feeling trapped.
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  #3  
Old 05-11-2013, 06:00 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
  • break up,
  • stay together and stand by his monogamous requirements.
People change for all kinds of reasons; it's just part of being a person. Sounds like he thought he had changed his worldview to one of being poly and found that he was actually mistaken. As frustrating as that is, it happens.

While kdt listed two options for you I personally think you would be doing yourself a disservice if you chose the second option.
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  #4  
Old 05-11-2013, 06:20 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Your bf had 3 partners, you, Chatty and his wife?

His wife doesnt live with him, but you do? Or she's chillin in the house somewhere but not hanging our with her husband or you much?

You moved in with him when Chatty moved out? Or she didn't live with him?
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me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
Robin, 60 (mono)
and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s
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  #5  
Old 05-11-2013, 08:17 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Your bf had 3 partners, you, Chatty and his wife?

His wife doesnt live with him, but you do? Or she's chillin in the house somewhere but not hanging our with her husband or you much?

You moved in with him when Chatty moved out? Or she didn't live with him?
This is the one where the guy bought the house next door to his wife's house for the OP to live in with her kids after she spent her inheritance to pay off her ex so he would let her take the kids out of state. Now she has no money and this Darling is supporting her and her teenage kids, one of which needs expensive medication. Meanwhile, the wife is keeping track of every cent "darling" spends, and won't let the OP decorate or hang family photos in the new house in which the OP lives.
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  #6  
Old 05-12-2013, 10:00 PM
El186 El186 is offline
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I know that this is probably NOT what you want to hear, but I have been in a poly relationship for 3 years and have just NOW figured out that it probably is not for me. I too am in a predicament...trying to decide if I should stay and try to live within those constraints or call it a day and go home. It is VERY painful. I hope you can figure out what will work best for you. Good luck.
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  #7  
Old 05-13-2013, 02:42 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Now I am starting to talk to others and he has told me that he doesn't think he is poly. He is okay with me having sex with others but the thought of me having an "intimate" relationship bothers him.

I just don't know what to do.
You could reflect what you just heard him say he wants for himself back to him to clarify.

You could tell him what YOU want for yourself at this point in time. And you could both sort it out between you and propose solutions for how to deal with it.

"Thank you for telling me where you are at. This is what I think I heard:

1) You have decided you are monoamorous after all? Are you wanting YOU to be polysexual or YOU want monosexual with just me?

2) You are ok with ME being polysexual with others. You are not OK with my being polyamorous with others. Is that a hard limit or a soft limit?

3) I want this ________ at this time. Let's discuss and if not now, then set a time to discuss more deeply.

Agenda: What are suggestion for making this work between us? Here's mine. (If he didn't have to consider or deal with YOU having others before... could consider one possible approach.)

If we cannot agree or that's a hard limit for you when I want polyamorous relationships, then we could talk about how to best part ways."

What else is there?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-13-2013 at 02:09 PM.
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  #8  
Old 05-13-2013, 10:53 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazenBurn View Post
Now I am starting to talk to others and he has told me that he doesn't think he is poly. He is okay with me having sex with others but the thought of me having an "intimate" relationship bothers him.
Maybe he feels that paying a second mortgage for you to live next door means you should belong to him.
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  #9  
Old 05-15-2013, 02:54 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
This is the one where the guy bought the house next door to his wife's house for the OP to live in with her kids after she spent her inheritance to pay off her ex so he would let her take the kids out of state. Now she has no money and this Darling is supporting her and her teenage kids, one of which needs expensive medication. Meanwhile, the wife is keeping track of every cent "darling" spends, and won't let the OP decorate or hang family photos in the new house in which the OP lives.
I went and read your other thread. What a pickle. It's a shame you were lead down the garden path.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
Robin, 60 (mono)
and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s
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